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Category Archives: Introspection

(Un)Righteous Indignation

If you hang around and read enough blogs you come to find out that more people are indignant then happy. Everyone has a cause that they are fighting for. They always have something to bitch about and it seems the more time on their hands the louder they are and the less they do about the problem. They sit on their blogs and write and pour their hearts out about their righteous indignation and how it’s not fair, or right or proper, no matter what the topic. As long as it offends their fragile sensibilities weather it be something that is a big matter or something just fleeting. The point being is no matter the size of the matter they will blow it to catastrophic proportions.

What do I do when I’m not writing my daily nonsense? I’m either working or watching tv. I lead a very full life. I also, in between feeding my child the wrong food and drink, read a lot of blogs. I have a good mix I feel but sometimes I look at my reader and say to myself “everyone is writing the SAME THINGS!” And they’re all indignant about the same things that to me don’t seem to matter all that much.

I read post on facebook and feel the same way. Everyone always does the same thing, says the same things, they all have to do the “meme” of the day. “Everyone post thankful things this month!” Yeah I get it it’s nice to see “positives” on facebook. But if you look? Everyone is trying to out positive everyone else. It’s tiring. I should spend less time on facebook and on blogs and on twitter. This would probably fix all these issues I’m having. But then what would I have to be indignant about?

Since most of you (family) don’t read a lot of blogs did you know that there are people out there who write stuff every day about their everyday nonsense and get paid for it? They post over developed over photo shopped pictures and talk about fancy things and they get paid for it. And did you know that EVERY OTHER blogger out there is trying to get paid to blog? Every blogger is a writer in training or something. Or they’re already a writing they’re just expanding. I like reading blogs that talk about wanting to start making money off of their blogs. And they’re crap…I mean crap. I read and I keep wondering why I have the blog in my reader. Because what I write? Is crap. It’s my crap, but at the end of the day I’m not looking to be published. I’m not looking to make money off of this…ever. I’m never going to write a book, memoir, or novel. It’s not in me to do. Firstly because my English writing skills are not up to par at all. I don’t want to delude myself into thinking that anyone besides my family who want to know what I’m up to and my inner thoughts would want to read what I have to write. And secondly because I don’t have the patience or attention span to actually sit down and write anything.

If I ever want to do anything else in my life beyond working at Wal-Mart I would want to go back to school and take writing classes, I’m not talking about just creative writing I want to take grammar classes. I want to be able to write a coherent sentence that makes sense to a reader, with out the help of a grammar check. I think that I write the way that my thoughts are, which are mostly scattered. I don’t really feel like I write the way I speak. You can correct me on this if you want. But I feel that most of the time this is directly out of my head and not out of my mouth.

I will never be a popular blogger. And I don’t have great dreams of becoming one. I honestly just write this for who ever wants to read it. It’s an extension and a censored journal. It’s a journal that I wouldn’t be afraid of my mom reading. Because she obviously does. I think at this point in my life I don’t have that much more to hide. I’ve never been one to hide much though. You know this. Obviously because I’m narcissistic enough to have a blog and believe that people want to read what I have to write.I’m obviously not writing this for my child to read later on. Because you know? That’s a reason why some people start their blogs. For their kids to read later on. REALLY? I don’t get that. Sure he might read it. But listen, I’m hoping that I will be able to instill a good sense of self worth and self assurance in my kid that he won’t care that I told embarrassing stories about him. Because my mom did…and you know what? She didn’t have a blog to write all those stories about me being Wonder Woman, but she had friends, and she had family to tell. And that is essentially what this is. The kid is going to be tortured enough being in this family…my little stories about how he came into my room with his shirt on his legs this morning isn’t going to affect him in the slightest.

I think I’m done apologizing for not writing every day or every week. Because that’s not me. I’m not a writer. I’m me. And I’ll do this blogging thing on my own time when I want to. And you can choose to read it, or not. But I know you will. Because you hang on every word that I write out. I know you do.

 

Everything is Tomorrow

Last night before I went to bed I said to myself: “Self, you are now 31 years old. Tomorrow is a new day, the first full day of 31, tomorrow is the day of change.”

Today I got our bill for our water/sewer in the mail. It went from $109 last month to $171.
YAY FOR CHANGE!
Today I opened what I figured would be Jesse’s unemployment check for last week of not working. No, apparently their denying him because according to them he worked.
YAY FOR CHANGE!
Today I sit and wonder when the fuck are we going to catch up? When am I going to get a break? What more can I take?
I’m 31 and I’m crying like I’m 13. I’m crying like I can’t handle this. Like I’ve never had to handle money problems before. I’m crying because I got a nice birthday check from my mom today in the mail but it had to go towards rent instead of fun birthday things. I’m crying because I want this to end. I want this to change. But I don’t know how to change it.

I want to stop eating fast food.
I want Oscar to stop eating crap food.
I want to be able to pay my bills ON TIME.
I want to be able to buy shorts and t-shirts and not find out the next day that I shouldn’t have bought all those shorts for $1.50 a piece because we can’t even afford that.

So today was the last day Oscar gets McDonald’s. I told him this. He’s not happy about it.
Today was the last Frappuchino that I get. (It was also the first in about a month).
Today is the day that I sit and write out all these things for people to witness that I want to change.
I’m going to re-start making meals again.
I’m going to take time to figure out how to be a working mom.
I’m going to drink more water, and no more soda.
I’m going to change things.

I have to change.
I don’t want to set myself up to fail. Because that’s what I do.
I want to succeed.
I want to “make it”
I want to DO THIS. Whatever “this” is. I want it.

I can’t keep going the way I’m going. If I do I’m not going to make it.

So here’s the start of my list.
This week, I’m done drinking soda. No more soda.
I’m making a list of good things to eat for breakfast lunch and dinner.
We will not eat fast food this week.

There. So we’ll check back in later this week and see how I’m doing.

While I was complaining and crying on my blog I found out that a girl I knew lost her mom this past weekend. And it puts shit in perspective. My heart breaks for her, even though we weren’t close, we just knew each other. I knew her mom, she was a counselor at our school growing up. I always liked her, she was a wonderful sweet woman. And I would just like to send out my good thoughts and prayers to her and her family.

 
 

I Think I’m BiPolar…or something…

If I were a psychologist I could probably diagnose myself a little better.

I’m up!

I’m down!

I’m this way!

I’m that way!

I want to work out and get in shape and be healthy!

I want to sit on the couch and cancel my gym membership!

I don’t mind working at Wal-Mart!

I HATE working at Wal-Mart!

I want to be a basketball coach!

I want to do something ANYTHING with my life.

I don’t want to work at Wal-Mart forever. I don’t even want to work there for the next couple of years. I look at that and get depressed. Seriously.

I’m getting mini anxiety attacks every day that I have to work. These are starting to worry me. I get nervous stomach and then want to eat a lot.

Deep breath now, I’m going to just start typing things that are going on in my head at this very moment…

I found a blog of a woman who named her son Oscar. This disturbs me greatly. Because that kid does not look like Oscar at all. I look at my boy and see “Oscar” I look at her boy and see a weird kid that kinda resembles an alien. I’m a little possessive about these things. I found out that a neighbor’s friend named her son Oscar last year and that kinda made me angry. Weird right? It shouldn’t bother me. But when I named him I kind of was hoping that there wouldn’t be that many out there and that I would have a harder time running across that name. Don’t get me started on seeing my name in comment sections of blogs that I read. Who’s the impostor?! Me or the other Miranda/Randa?

I had a dream last night that Oscar drowned in a gigantic bath tub. I saved him, but Jesse was in the other bathroom taking a shower and I was yelling and screaming for him to help me and he just kept taking his shower. I had a bad feeling that I would have a dream like this before I went to bed because Oscar’s sick and even though I don’t show it very often I tend to worry that he’s going to die in his sleep. Because that happens, you know.

I don’t think I talk about my parenting and my child as much as other bloggers that I read, and I wonder if I don’t take enough joy and wonderment out of my situation as other people. When Oscar turned two I didn’t write a post saying goodbye to his baby-hood. I didn’t really even notice. I’m just not that kind of parent I guess. I do miss him being a baby and not being able to move around as much I’ll give you that. I guess I’m just not a sap or something. Maybe because I have no direction to this blog. I guess it’s my own inferiority complex at play here. Man I need to get back to a counselor/therapist or something. I’m losing it.

I just yelled this at my son: “You EAT the Jello! You don’t PLAY with the Jello!”
And with that I have to clean up a blue jello mess! This is parenting. It is not glamorous, it’s not pretty. But it’s not all that hard.

People make a big deal about parenting. Like it’s the hardest thing that you’ll ever have to do in the world. It’s not. It’s fun at times it sucks at times, just like any job. I just haven’t found out if it’s “worth it” or not yet.

Oh and I have a plan for the future. I’m going to work until Jesse gets a good job after going to school and then I’m going to have babies. Lots and lots of babies. I might start late but I’m going to do it. HAHAHHA. This sounds like a good plan doesn’t it? V? You know you love this plan.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on May 20, 2010 in Crazy Talk, Introspection

 

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Blogging Cured Me!

So after I wrote that whole blog about how I feel like shit. The next day, I felt wonderful! Isn’t that just creepy? I’m not expecting it to last, I feel pretty good today, tired but good. And while I was on the phone with Leslie I thought of a whole bunch of funny things I COULD have said to the CT scanner guy after he asked me if I was pregnant or not. Oh and I’m not by the way…so yeah. Except again last night Jesse tried to pin the whole “want a baby thing” on me, because I again was accosted by adorable babies at work and mentioned in passing how I tried to steal one…that’s neither here nor there…And so he says: “Do you have the baby bug or something?” and I says(hehe): “Maybe, maybe I just need a little lump to hold on to every so often. I really need to get my hours cut at work so I have more time to spend with my friend who’s sister is fostering a brand new baby, because I know she would let me hold him! I really want to ask women who have babies at work to just let me hold them for a little bit. So I can smell them. I just want to smelly your baby. Is that so wrong?

Oh and Katie, for your information, I got the CT scan back, and here is the image that the doctors saw…

….

…..

HE HAS RETURNED! I knew it was him all along!

 
2 Comments

Posted by on April 7, 2010 in Crazy Talk, Introspection, Uncategorized

 

Did you miss me? Because I miss me.

So there’s something going on with me. I don’t know what, but something. I haven’t had the urge to blog, which probably means I’m depressed again and not paying enough attention to it. My sister who is now my “health care professional” brought me up some meds called Pristiq when she came to visit. I took one. And then forgot to take more. I think I’ll start taking them. But I’m a little worried because I don’t have a large supply of them so if I take them and they help how will I continue?? Nothing else is really suffering except my over all health.

I had to take a trip to the ER last week. Tons of fun. Actually got in pretty quick. The reason: I had a little man inside my pelvic region stabbing me with a hot poker. And the pain was radiating down my right leg and making it feel all prickly. Oh and only on the right side. The pain would be really bad at times and then tolerable at times. One day I took 5 ibuprofen before work, 4 at lunch and 4 more at bed time. Yeah. My kidneys loved me that day. Don’t tell me I already know what it can do to my kidneys. So the second day it was in pain I went to the Urgent Care out here, which apparently only gives out flu shots, because after visiting with the wonderful Nurse Practitioner there I was gently sent on my way because “We don’t deal with abdominal pain here.” W-T-FUCK?” So I went home, and took some more advil and went to work. So I let the pain go for a couple more days until I couldn’t stand it and went to the ER after complaining to EVERYONE about it. Yeah I get to the ER and bawl like I’m not a 30 year old woman because I’m envisioning the terrible bill…and oh yeah that little guy with the hot poker?? He disappeared. It hurt before I went, because that’s why I went, and then it was gone. I got to have a CT scan though, that was fun! I was even given the opportunity to get IV pain killers. With no scrutinizing glances! I did not take them up on it because well, I had to drive and couldn’t think of anyone to come pick me up b.c. well our car situation…So I got to hang out for a couple hours and just chill. When I left? Yeah the pain came back. It’s still hanging around. Added to it now is a really nice sinus infection, I believe, and or an ear infection. My head is killing me, and I’m dizzy. My nose is no longer stuffed up though, so that’s a plus.

So that’s my explanation on what I’ve been up to instead of blogging. Oh and I now know why people go on twitter while in the ER. Because you can get on the internet on your phone in the ER but not on your phone to CALL people. Well at least that’s what happened for me. I was bored out of my mind!! So yeah I’m still considering calling the community health center here to see if they can get me in, but I don’t think they can tell me anything else then what the ER did, which was basically nothing wrong with me. Yay!

That’s all I got in me, I’m exhausted. Apparently Oscar is too engrossed in Adventure Time to yell for me, which he usually does around this time at nice. My head is killing me and I’m ready for bed already. It’s not even 8:30.

I’m a big whiny baby.

 

The Sparrow, oh and some other Angry Shouty things…

All I have to say is read it. Go get it right now and read it. It was amazingly heartbreaking and wonderful. I sent a text to my brother that said “Holy crap that was a good book (I’m so eloquent!) I’m still a little upset about it.” and he said: “I know right! I’m reading the sequel now and it’s pretty amazing too. It’s called Children of God.”
Me: “There’s a sequel?? I’m getting on Amazon right now! (And I did, while in the bathroom, have I mentioned that I love internet on my phone)
Him: “Ya get the sequel, it’s awesome so far.”
So I did and it’s on it’s way. I’m starting “The Meaning of Darkness” and it is pretty damn good too.
The Sparrow is still haunting me. Oh and that day something else upset me. Apparently in Uganda they have decided that if you’re gay and you have sex you deserve to die. Or if you decide to get married or even tell anyone that you’re gay you get put in jail for at least 7 years. Now I understand about different cultures and if you’re rasied in a culture that believe certain things, it’s just how it is. BUT. THIS. IS. WRONG. (You know that I don’t write like this normally, this is how mad I am about this. Capitals paired with periods, I’m angry!)
http://abcnews.go.com/WN/anti-homosexuality-bill-uganda-global-uproar/story?id=10045436

And what gets me is that these men from AMERICA who hate gays went over there and basically pushed this over the edge and then said “Oh no! It wasn’t us!” It was also on Dateline, and it was basically just the article acted out, and it didn’t make me feel any better. It kinda made me worse. I’m still upset about it.

Okay! So and then! Today this go me…Some family in Tenn. lost their 3 year old today to a gun. Yeah the dumb ass step dad left a LOADED UNLOCKED GUN on the freaking coffee table and then to make it even better they blamed it on the Wii by saying “well it looks just like the Wii gun that we have. UHM NO if you leave anything new or different around, a three year old is going to pick it up. I don’t know how many times I’ve told Oscar not to touch my freaking phone and he still does. Because he’s 3! And he doesn’t know! What made it worse was that the mom was right there, on the computer, so of course they’re going to say it was her fault for not paying attention. But I want to put most if not all of the blame directly on the fucking stupid fucker that left the fucking gun out, loaded, with the safety off, ON THE FUCKING COFFEE TABLE!! Knowing full well that he had not one but two children in the house. Sorry for all the f words. I’m angry. It raises my hackles. big time, ugh. I honestly don’t think they can blame it on the Wii controller, which they are, wholeheartedly doing. http://www.newser.com/story/82873/toddler-kills-self-with-gun-she-mistook-for-wii-gadget.html

Anyway so that’s all I have for now. Except that we got our tax returns…so now I get to FINALLY GET CONTACTS AGAIN! YAY!

Man I was shouty in this post. I’ll be back to normal later…

 
1 Comment

Posted by on March 12, 2010 in Angry Ranting, Crazy Talk, Introspection

 

Mushy Makes Me Uncomfortable

I don’t like romantic things. I don’t like “mush.” I hate seeing people make-out. I saw a couple walking in front of my house one day and they stopped, RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE and kissed…for a good 10 second kiss, and then continue on their walk, arm in arm all wrapped up. First off. Why? And second, HOW? How did they manage to go on a walk all wrapped up like that? I am not mushy. I don’t like romantic movies, I can barely handle romantic comedies. I just got done watching Whip It and the whole time she was falling for the cute boy in a band, it made my head hurt. I didn’t watch those parts. I don’t know why. I don’t remember my mom and dad making out in front of us all the time. I don’t remember them sitting on the couch together cuddling. I do remember them kissing on occasion when dad would get home. And maybe this is why. Ugh and I hate when my brother and his wife lay on the couch together in a spooning position. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable then that. I don’t like outward expressions of love. I don’t kiss Jesse all the time. And I don’t feel less loved because of it. Sure he tells me he loves me before I leave or he leaves. But I think our show of love is a little different. It’s a slap on the ass or a pillow in the face, then an “OH I’M SORRY!” when a corner gets an eye. I don’t feel less loved because of this either. I don’t hold hands with him because my hands sweat all the time. And they get worse around extra body heat.
I can’t handle seeing people express their love in mushy ways. I hate seeing my friends hold hands with their significant others. It just throws me back to days of when I was the single one and everyone was holding hands and I wanted that. And then when I got it, well I didn’t do it, because of the sweating problem.
Sometimes I worry about Oscar and if he’ll be stunted by this, but I don’t hold back my love on him. He gets hugs and kisses all the time. Even from his dad.
I don’t ever expect special presents for Valentines Day, I never got them growing up, and I never really intended on starting. So I never really nag Jesse to get me anything. If he does, I’m surprised and then I give him shit for it. I don’t get flowers, I don’t get candy. And I don’t honestly care about it. Valentines is just another day for me. Maybe because every day with out having out ward mushy signs of it, I know that everyone in my life loves me.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on February 14, 2010 in Angry Ranting, Introspection, My Kind of Love