(Un)Righteous Indignation

If you hang around and read enough blogs you come to find out that more people are indignant then happy. Everyone has a cause that they are fighting for. They always have something to bitch about and it seems the more time on their hands the louder they are and the less they do about the problem. They sit on their blogs and write and pour their hearts out about their righteous indignation and how it’s not fair, or right or proper, no matter what the topic. As long as it offends their fragile sensibilities weather it be something that is a big matter or something just fleeting. The point being is no matter the size of the matter they will blow it to catastrophic proportions.

What do I do when I’m not writing my daily nonsense? I’m either working or watching tv. I lead a very full life. I also, in between feeding my child the wrong food and drink, read a lot of blogs. I have a good mix I feel but sometimes I look at my reader and say to myself “everyone is writing the SAME THINGS!” And they’re all indignant about the same things that to me don’t seem to matter all that much.

I read post on facebook and feel the same way. Everyone always does the same thing, says the same things, they all have to do the “meme” of the day. “Everyone post thankful things this month!” Yeah I get it it’s nice to see “positives” on facebook. But if you look? Everyone is trying to out positive everyone else. It’s tiring. I should spend less time on facebook and on blogs and on twitter. This would probably fix all these issues I’m having. But then what would I have to be indignant about?

Since most of you (family) don’t read a lot of blogs did you know that there are people out there who write stuff every day about their everyday nonsense and get paid for it? They post over developed over photo shopped pictures and talk about fancy things and they get paid for it. And did you know that EVERY OTHER blogger out there is trying to get paid to blog? Every blogger is a writer in training or something. Or they’re already a writing they’re just expanding. I like reading blogs that talk about wanting to start making money off of their blogs. And they’re crap…I mean crap. I read and I keep wondering why I have the blog in my reader. Because what I write? Is crap. It’s my crap, but at the end of the day I’m not looking to be published. I’m not looking to make money off of this…ever. I’m never going to write a book, memoir, or novel. It’s not in me to do. Firstly because my English writing skills are not up to par at all. I don’t want to delude myself into thinking that anyone besides my family who want to know what I’m up to and my inner thoughts would want to read what I have to write. And secondly because I don’t have the patience or attention span to actually sit down and write anything.

If I ever want to do anything else in my life beyond working at Wal-Mart I would want to go back to school and take writing classes, I’m not talking about just creative writing I want to take grammar classes. I want to be able to write a coherent sentence that makes sense to a reader, with out the help of a grammar check. I think that I write the way that my thoughts are, which are mostly scattered. I don’t really feel like I write the way I speak. You can correct me on this if you want. But I feel that most of the time this is directly out of my head and not out of my mouth.

I will never be a popular blogger. And I don’t have great dreams of becoming one. I honestly just write this for who ever wants to read it. It’s an extension and a censored journal. It’s a journal that I wouldn’t be afraid of my mom reading. Because she obviously does. I think at this point in my life I don’t have that much more to hide. I’ve never been one to hide much though. You know this. Obviously because I’m narcissistic enough to have a blog and believe that people want to read what I have to write.I’m obviously not writing this for my child to read later on. Because you know? That’s a reason why some people start their blogs. For their kids to read later on. REALLY? I don’t get that. Sure he might read it. But listen, I’m hoping that I will be able to instill a good sense of self worth and self assurance in my kid that he won’t care that I told embarrassing stories about him. Because my mom did…and you know what? She didn’t have a blog to write all those stories about me being Wonder Woman, but she had friends, and she had family to tell. And that is essentially what this is. The kid is going to be tortured enough being in this family…my little stories about how he came into my room with his shirt on his legs this morning isn’t going to affect him in the slightest.

I think I’m done apologizing for not writing every day or every week. Because that’s not me. I’m not a writer. I’m me. And I’ll do this blogging thing on my own time when I want to. And you can choose to read it, or not. But I know you will. Because you hang on every word that I write out. I know you do.

 

Everything is Tomorrow

Last night before I went to bed I said to myself: “Self, you are now 31 years old. Tomorrow is a new day, the first full day of 31, tomorrow is the day of change.”

Today I got our bill for our water/sewer in the mail. It went from $109 last month to $171.
YAY FOR CHANGE!
Today I opened what I figured would be Jesse’s unemployment check for last week of not working. No, apparently their denying him because according to them he worked.
YAY FOR CHANGE!
Today I sit and wonder when the fuck are we going to catch up? When am I going to get a break? What more can I take?
I’m 31 and I’m crying like I’m 13. I’m crying like I can’t handle this. Like I’ve never had to handle money problems before. I’m crying because I got a nice birthday check from my mom today in the mail but it had to go towards rent instead of fun birthday things. I’m crying because I want this to end. I want this to change. But I don’t know how to change it.

I want to stop eating fast food.
I want Oscar to stop eating crap food.
I want to be able to pay my bills ON TIME.
I want to be able to buy shorts and t-shirts and not find out the next day that I shouldn’t have bought all those shorts for $1.50 a piece because we can’t even afford that.

So today was the last day Oscar gets McDonald’s. I told him this. He’s not happy about it.
Today was the last Frappuchino that I get. (It was also the first in about a month).
Today is the day that I sit and write out all these things for people to witness that I want to change.
I’m going to re-start making meals again.
I’m going to take time to figure out how to be a working mom.
I’m going to drink more water, and no more soda.
I’m going to change things.

I have to change.
I don’t want to set myself up to fail. Because that’s what I do.
I want to succeed.
I want to “make it”
I want to DO THIS. Whatever “this” is. I want it.

I can’t keep going the way I’m going. If I do I’m not going to make it.

So here’s the start of my list.
This week, I’m done drinking soda. No more soda.
I’m making a list of good things to eat for breakfast lunch and dinner.
We will not eat fast food this week.

There. So we’ll check back in later this week and see how I’m doing.

While I was complaining and crying on my blog I found out that a girl I knew lost her mom this past weekend. And it puts shit in perspective. My heart breaks for her, even though we weren’t close, we just knew each other. I knew her mom, she was a counselor at our school growing up. I always liked her, she was a wonderful sweet woman. And I would just like to send out my good thoughts and prayers to her and her family.

 

I Think I’m BiPolar…or something…

If I were a psychologist I could probably diagnose myself a little better.

I’m up!

I’m down!

I’m this way!

I’m that way!

I want to work out and get in shape and be healthy!

I want to sit on the couch and cancel my gym membership!

I don’t mind working at Wal-Mart!

I HATE working at Wal-Mart!

I want to be a basketball coach!

I want to do something ANYTHING with my life.

I don’t want to work at Wal-Mart forever. I don’t even want to work there for the next couple of years. I look at that and get depressed. Seriously.

I’m getting mini anxiety attacks every day that I have to work. These are starting to worry me. I get nervous stomach and then want to eat a lot.

Deep breath now, I’m going to just start typing things that are going on in my head at this very moment…

I found a blog of a woman who named her son Oscar. This disturbs me greatly. Because that kid does not look like Oscar at all. I look at my boy and see “Oscar” I look at her boy and see a weird kid that kinda resembles an alien. I’m a little possessive about these things. I found out that a neighbor’s friend named her son Oscar last year and that kinda made me angry. Weird right? It shouldn’t bother me. But when I named him I kind of was hoping that there wouldn’t be that many out there and that I would have a harder time running across that name. Don’t get me started on seeing my name in comment sections of blogs that I read. Who’s the impostor?! Me or the other Miranda/Randa?

I had a dream last night that Oscar drowned in a gigantic bath tub. I saved him, but Jesse was in the other bathroom taking a shower and I was yelling and screaming for him to help me and he just kept taking his shower. I had a bad feeling that I would have a dream like this before I went to bed because Oscar’s sick and even though I don’t show it very often I tend to worry that he’s going to die in his sleep. Because that happens, you know.

I don’t think I talk about my parenting and my child as much as other bloggers that I read, and I wonder if I don’t take enough joy and wonderment out of my situation as other people. When Oscar turned two I didn’t write a post saying goodbye to his baby-hood. I didn’t really even notice. I’m just not that kind of parent I guess. I do miss him being a baby and not being able to move around as much I’ll give you that. I guess I’m just not a sap or something. Maybe because I have no direction to this blog. I guess it’s my own inferiority complex at play here. Man I need to get back to a counselor/therapist or something. I’m losing it.

I just yelled this at my son: “You EAT the Jello! You don’t PLAY with the Jello!”
And with that I have to clean up a blue jello mess! This is parenting. It is not glamorous, it’s not pretty. But it’s not all that hard.

People make a big deal about parenting. Like it’s the hardest thing that you’ll ever have to do in the world. It’s not. It’s fun at times it sucks at times, just like any job. I just haven’t found out if it’s “worth it” or not yet.

Oh and I have a plan for the future. I’m going to work until Jesse gets a good job after going to school and then I’m going to have babies. Lots and lots of babies. I might start late but I’m going to do it. HAHAHHA. This sounds like a good plan doesn’t it? V? You know you love this plan.

 

Blogging Cured Me!

So after I wrote that whole blog about how I feel like shit. The next day, I felt wonderful! Isn’t that just creepy? I’m not expecting it to last, I feel pretty good today, tired but good. And while I was on the phone with Leslie I thought of a whole bunch of funny things I COULD have said to the CT scanner guy after he asked me if I was pregnant or not. Oh and I’m not by the way…so yeah. Except again last night Jesse tried to pin the whole “want a baby thing” on me, because I again was accosted by adorable babies at work and mentioned in passing how I tried to steal one…that’s neither here nor there…And so he says: “Do you have the baby bug or something?” and I says(hehe): “Maybe, maybe I just need a little lump to hold on to every so often. I really need to get my hours cut at work so I have more time to spend with my friend who’s sister is fostering a brand new baby, because I know she would let me hold him! I really want to ask women who have babies at work to just let me hold them for a little bit. So I can smell them. I just want to smelly your baby. Is that so wrong?

Oh and Katie, for your information, I got the CT scan back, and here is the image that the doctors saw…

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HE HAS RETURNED! I knew it was him all along!

 

Did you miss me? Because I miss me.

So there’s something going on with me. I don’t know what, but something. I haven’t had the urge to blog, which probably means I’m depressed again and not paying enough attention to it. My sister who is now my “health care professional” brought me up some meds called Pristiq when she came to visit. I took one. And then forgot to take more. I think I’ll start taking them. But I’m a little worried because I don’t have a large supply of them so if I take them and they help how will I continue?? Nothing else is really suffering except my over all health.

I had to take a trip to the ER last week. Tons of fun. Actually got in pretty quick. The reason: I had a little man inside my pelvic region stabbing me with a hot poker. And the pain was radiating down my right leg and making it feel all prickly. Oh and only on the right side. The pain would be really bad at times and then tolerable at times. One day I took 5 ibuprofen before work, 4 at lunch and 4 more at bed time. Yeah. My kidneys loved me that day. Don’t tell me I already know what it can do to my kidneys. So the second day it was in pain I went to the Urgent Care out here, which apparently only gives out flu shots, because after visiting with the wonderful Nurse Practitioner there I was gently sent on my way because “We don’t deal with abdominal pain here.” W-T-FUCK?” So I went home, and took some more advil and went to work. So I let the pain go for a couple more days until I couldn’t stand it and went to the ER after complaining to EVERYONE about it. Yeah I get to the ER and bawl like I’m not a 30 year old woman because I’m envisioning the terrible bill…and oh yeah that little guy with the hot poker?? He disappeared. It hurt before I went, because that’s why I went, and then it was gone. I got to have a CT scan though, that was fun! I was even given the opportunity to get IV pain killers. With no scrutinizing glances! I did not take them up on it because well, I had to drive and couldn’t think of anyone to come pick me up b.c. well our car situation…So I got to hang out for a couple hours and just chill. When I left? Yeah the pain came back. It’s still hanging around. Added to it now is a really nice sinus infection, I believe, and or an ear infection. My head is killing me, and I’m dizzy. My nose is no longer stuffed up though, so that’s a plus.

So that’s my explanation on what I’ve been up to instead of blogging. Oh and I now know why people go on twitter while in the ER. Because you can get on the internet on your phone in the ER but not on your phone to CALL people. Well at least that’s what happened for me. I was bored out of my mind!! So yeah I’m still considering calling the community health center here to see if they can get me in, but I don’t think they can tell me anything else then what the ER did, which was basically nothing wrong with me. Yay!

That’s all I got in me, I’m exhausted. Apparently Oscar is too engrossed in Adventure Time to yell for me, which he usually does around this time at nice. My head is killing me and I’m ready for bed already. It’s not even 8:30.

I’m a big whiny baby.

 

The Sparrow, oh and some other Angry Shouty things…

All I have to say is read it. Go get it right now and read it. It was amazingly heartbreaking and wonderful. I sent a text to my brother that said “Holy crap that was a good book (I’m so eloquent!) I’m still a little upset about it.” and he said: “I know right! I’m reading the sequel now and it’s pretty amazing too. It’s called Children of God.”
Me: “There’s a sequel?? I’m getting on Amazon right now! (And I did, while in the bathroom, have I mentioned that I love internet on my phone)
Him: “Ya get the sequel, it’s awesome so far.”
So I did and it’s on it’s way. I’m starting “The Meaning of Darkness” and it is pretty damn good too.
The Sparrow is still haunting me. Oh and that day something else upset me. Apparently in Uganda they have decided that if you’re gay and you have sex you deserve to die. Or if you decide to get married or even tell anyone that you’re gay you get put in jail for at least 7 years. Now I understand about different cultures and if you’re rasied in a culture that believe certain things, it’s just how it is. BUT. THIS. IS. WRONG. (You know that I don’t write like this normally, this is how mad I am about this. Capitals paired with periods, I’m angry!)
http://abcnews.go.com/WN/anti-homosexuality-bill-uganda-global-uproar/story?id=10045436

And what gets me is that these men from AMERICA who hate gays went over there and basically pushed this over the edge and then said “Oh no! It wasn’t us!” It was also on Dateline, and it was basically just the article acted out, and it didn’t make me feel any better. It kinda made me worse. I’m still upset about it.

Okay! So and then! Today this go me…Some family in Tenn. lost their 3 year old today to a gun. Yeah the dumb ass step dad left a LOADED UNLOCKED GUN on the freaking coffee table and then to make it even better they blamed it on the Wii by saying “well it looks just like the Wii gun that we have. UHM NO if you leave anything new or different around, a three year old is going to pick it up. I don’t know how many times I’ve told Oscar not to touch my freaking phone and he still does. Because he’s 3! And he doesn’t know! What made it worse was that the mom was right there, on the computer, so of course they’re going to say it was her fault for not paying attention. But I want to put most if not all of the blame directly on the fucking stupid fucker that left the fucking gun out, loaded, with the safety off, ON THE FUCKING COFFEE TABLE!! Knowing full well that he had not one but two children in the house. Sorry for all the f words. I’m angry. It raises my hackles. big time, ugh. I honestly don’t think they can blame it on the Wii controller, which they are, wholeheartedly doing. http://www.newser.com/story/82873/toddler-kills-self-with-gun-she-mistook-for-wii-gadget.html

Anyway so that’s all I have for now. Except that we got our tax returns…so now I get to FINALLY GET CONTACTS AGAIN! YAY!

Man I was shouty in this post. I’ll be back to normal later…

 

Mushy Makes Me Uncomfortable

I don’t like romantic things. I don’t like “mush.” I hate seeing people make-out. I saw a couple walking in front of my house one day and they stopped, RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE and kissed…for a good 10 second kiss, and then continue on their walk, arm in arm all wrapped up. First off. Why? And second, HOW? How did they manage to go on a walk all wrapped up like that? I am not mushy. I don’t like romantic movies, I can barely handle romantic comedies. I just got done watching Whip It and the whole time she was falling for the cute boy in a band, it made my head hurt. I didn’t watch those parts. I don’t know why. I don’t remember my mom and dad making out in front of us all the time. I don’t remember them sitting on the couch together cuddling. I do remember them kissing on occasion when dad would get home. And maybe this is why. Ugh and I hate when my brother and his wife lay on the couch together in a spooning position. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable then that. I don’t like outward expressions of love. I don’t kiss Jesse all the time. And I don’t feel less loved because of it. Sure he tells me he loves me before I leave or he leaves. But I think our show of love is a little different. It’s a slap on the ass or a pillow in the face, then an “OH I’M SORRY!” when a corner gets an eye. I don’t feel less loved because of this either. I don’t hold hands with him because my hands sweat all the time. And they get worse around extra body heat.
I can’t handle seeing people express their love in mushy ways. I hate seeing my friends hold hands with their significant others. It just throws me back to days of when I was the single one and everyone was holding hands and I wanted that. And then when I got it, well I didn’t do it, because of the sweating problem.
Sometimes I worry about Oscar and if he’ll be stunted by this, but I don’t hold back my love on him. He gets hugs and kisses all the time. Even from his dad.
I don’t ever expect special presents for Valentines Day, I never got them growing up, and I never really intended on starting. So I never really nag Jesse to get me anything. If he does, I’m surprised and then I give him shit for it. I don’t get flowers, I don’t get candy. And I don’t honestly care about it. Valentines is just another day for me. Maybe because every day with out having out ward mushy signs of it, I know that everyone in my life loves me.

 

The Great Baby Debate

I have a sneeking suspicion that Jesse wants a baby. Yeah that’s right, I don’t want one, JESSE does. I swear. Okay maybe it’s because there’s baby fever going around and fifty million women are pregnant and happy. But my heart is for some reason really really suffering from baby fever. And they stare at me at work, by the way. Any time a woman with a baby under one comes through my line the baby looks at me and smiles. I SWEAR TO GOD! And they whisper to me. “Raaannnnddddaaaa you know you want a baby!” And I say “NO BABY! I DON’T WANT ANOTHER ONE!” And then Oscar doesn’t cuddle with me and I want a baby.

Okay so I don’t want to go all mushy on you or freak you out but I’ve been feeling less then whole lately. You know that feeling that religious people always talk about and then they have a spiritual movement or something? That’s what’s going on right now, in my heart. Yeah I said it. I’m a little worried about putting this out there for the ridicule I will endure from friends and relatives. But this is what is going on. I feel like it’s time now, it’s time to add to my heart. I have been thinking even about adopting but I know we can’t afford that, and we can’t foster because we only have a three bedroom house and apparently rules here in WA are that the foster kid has to have their own room. What is that all about?? I think though I am going to keep yearning for a baby and keep my IUD in place for a while. Like I said in the previous post, I want to get back into shape. I want to be healthy, and I think I’ll do that and get some good habits in place before subjecting my body to that again, and maybe the next time I’ll cope better. Who knows. All this is are thoughts that run through my head. And I have to get them out there so they don’t drive me crazy.

So I know everyone has an opinion on when to have babies. What do you think is a good age spread? I honestly am thinking of taking my mom’s advise and waiting until he’s at least 5, because as she says Oscar demands attention, and if I had one now who knows what he would do. And I would end up being a haggard mess.

 

Apparently I’m already Clean?

So I’ve decided to actually start being proactive about my weight. To start this whole new journey I got this: Mostly because Jillian looks crazy mean and she really wants me to be cleansed. Then burnt. And because it’s been recomended to me by Jillian to use before starting any weight loss program. I figure the 14 days will give me some time to think about seriously starting a weight loss program. I started my first 7 days which is the cleanse on Friday. And can I tell you that nothing has really happened. Except for some weird little things that I contribute to reading about what is supposed to happen. No big fireworks in the bathroom to signal that I’m going to lose 20lbs of crap from my bowels. All I’m doing at the moment it peeing. A LOT. And I think this is because I have dry mouth and want to drink all the time. I read on some sort of chat page that the cleanse pills take away your water and your electrolytes which worries me, because don’t I need those things?! So I’ve been drinking more water, and it goes right through me. So maybe my kidneys and urinary system is getting a good cleanse but my digestive system is just going as it usually does. Which isn’t a lot. I’m not giving up on it though. I give up on everything. And if this is going to be the start of something, I’m not going to quit. Oh and the directions don’t tell you what to eat. So I’m eating the same things, I just started eating LESS of what I already am. Well except that box of Velveeta Shells and Cheese…that was gone. I don’t even know what happened there…I swear to God.
After getting done with the 7 day cleanse it’s on to the 7 day probiotic replenishment and “burn” where the pills now give me back all the probiotics I lost during the cleanse in my digestive system. And then the “burn” pills SAY that they relase the mature fat cells in my body. That would be nice because these fat cells are going on 12 years and I’m done with them! Move out mature fat cells! Go to college or something already!! Oh and I’m doing this all before my friend V comes to visit me because I want to lose like 100lbs in two weeks. Because that is totally realistic. (And I’m totally being funny right now)

Anyway the whole point of this is that I want to be fit and healthy again. I keep looking at fit and healthy women and think “I want to be like that.” I’m tired of not being healthy. And to be politically un-hip I’m tired of being FAT. There I said it. I am not a cute fat girl. There are very beautiful large women who don’t have health problems and are comfortable and lovely and I wish WISH I was one of them. But I’m not. I have a fat ugly potato face and my body is an odd shape. I miss being athletic. I miss being able to walk from the front of a store to the back with out being out of breath. And a bit of TMI but I’m tired of not being able to “groom myself” because I can’t see anything down there with out lifting a big fold of fat. I know that I wrote a post about my weight before, and my view of myself. But this is a progression. I think I am now ready to actually DO SOMETHING about it. I’m getting it done. Who knows where I’m going to end up. I hope that I end up healthy. I’ll keep saying healthy. Because I know that I am not at a healthy place right now. Body wise. Mind-wise…well that’s a whole different post.

And now it’s time to get off the computer and get going on some real world errands.

 

Probably going to Piss My Sister Off…Why I’m Leaving Facebook

I don’t get it. I have a love hate relationship with Facebook and I’m one stupid status update away from just canceling it all together. I do enjoy “reconnecting” with “old friends” from high school and keeping up with family members and friends that are far away from me. But there are a lot of annoying things about Facebook. And now. Sorry to my eldest sister…but when my nephew joined…who is 11ish? Or soon to be 11 and yes I did accept his friend request, because he’s my nephew and well, yeah I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I just feel like I’m done with it all. I don’t understand why 11 year olds need Facebook. I think they have enough socialization at school and really how much more do they need? What do they gain from Facebook? Am I old fashioned and out of it? When Oscar turns 7 or 8 and asks to join the Facebook of his time will I let him? I hope that I don’t go back on this, but I will ask him why. And he’ll have to give me a decent enough reason.
I have locked down my facebook page. Only my friends can see my pictures. Not friends of friends, just friends. Not because my pictures are that awesome, but because if I want to share them, I want it to be my decision. I’m honestly considering just stopping it all together. I don’t like it when politics get on facebook. It makes me uncomfortable to hear people’s opinions with no basis or knowledge behind the statements. I hate worrying about my status updates and thinking that someone is judging me for what I wrote. I hate just sitting here thinking “oh god I really need to write something funny.” And wondering how many people have just hidden me from their pages. Which also makes me wonder why they want to be friends with me in the first place. I have cleaned out my page on several occasions. Once when I was done playing a huge game and I ended up with way more friends then I needed. And then again when I was even more tired of other people who didn’t have any bearing on my life. And now I want to do another one and just put it down to family and friends. And by friends I mean people that I love. People I communicated with on a regular basis.

I’m not writing this as a veiled threat to get the “please don’t quit” comments. Which I’m not sure I would get anyway. But I’m writing this to get it out of my head and on to something else. And then I wonder why this even effects me this way. Why can’t I just let Facebook be? Why can’t I just let it go? Because it is important to me. I am very much a voyeur, I like peeking in. This is why I love blogs and blogging.

My nephew chatted with me today, and I fell into talking to him like I would anyone else. Forgetting that he’s 10 or 11. And telling him exactly what I was doing, instead of just saying “oh things.” I told him I was texting my friend, checking twitter, and thinking about what to blog. He only asked “what does blog mean?” And I laughed. Because what does “blog” mean? I told him. “It’s kind of like a public journal, I talk about what I’m doing and people in my life can read it, it’s pretty pointless actually but good if you want to just write.”

I don’t know at this point if I am going to leave Facebook. I know that I am probably not going to be on it very much. And I’m going to take it off my tweetdeck for a while. I think what I need is a break. To figure out why I’m on Facebook.

I don’t really need a reason from my sister why she let her son have a Facebook account. I’m sure it’s just because his older brother has one, and he sees the games he can play and why not? Everyone else has one. I still love her, and I think what ever she does with her kids is her business. And honestly I want to thank her for allowing him to join. Because it’s given me something to think about. And finally a release on my writers block.