Truthful Tuesdays…

I have abandoned my blog. Right when I wanted to get on and do video blogs and be all awesome. But then I gave in to another temptation on the web. I’m sorry. I don’t know how much I’ll be posting here. Maybe more if the inspiration strikes me. Or if I get the balls to actually do a video blog. I probably won’t though.
So on a truthful Tuesday I just want to say sorry. I’m a terrible blogger.

 

Head Shake

I haven’t gotten the courage to do a video blog. Mostly because I’m a bit of a perfectionist and if it’s not perfect then I just cannot be bothered. (that’s a line from a movie btw)

But seriously I haven’t had the courage yet to do it. Plus I have to figure out how to hold it and what not since I don’t have a tripod and I don’t know if I want to have Jesse hold the camera for me. And having Oscar hold it is out of the question. Obviously. I want it to be just right and I don’t want to sit there and say and and uhm the whole time. Because I did take an advance public speaking class in college so it bothers me to see other video blogs where all you hear is and and ums and then sometimes you can’t even hear the person talk in the first place. You see where I’m going with this? I’m talking myself out of it.

I have been doing my pilates in the mornings almost regularly. I did them yesterday but not today because I had to be up at 5:30. But today I went and conquered my fear of the trainer and went with my co-worker and worked out with a trainer at the base. He was very nice to me and I didn’t kill myself. And he didn’t kill me. I think we are going back tomorrow. We both have goals and we both want to achieve those goals! He was actually very nice and we did mostly just cardio to get us started. We even got to play a little soccer as a warm up. Which is amazing! I love any kind of sport. Except softball. The ball is too big. Sorry. So tomorrow we’re going again to the gym by ourselves to keep us moving. We both have tomorrow off which is a rare occurrence.

Someday soon I will do a video for all to see. Someday. But for now my words will have to do.

 

Soon…Very Soon…

I got myself an HD video recorder today. And now you all are in big. BIG trouble. Prepare for bad v-blogs and ever worse videos of Oscar doing nothing at all…

BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA

I’m kidding. Mostly.

I’m super excited about this whole thing. I hope that I can do it. I just have to figure out how to hold the camera steady on myself when I’m talking to myself. yay!!

And! I have been doing pilates almost daily. I didn’t do it yesterday because well the night before sucked and then yesterday was even worse. But I got up before 7am today to do the am work out. It’s not tough work but it’s a good way to ease my fat body into cooperating. I am not going to do a “biggest looser” workout and kill myself and then never want to work out again. I even got up the day after going out and drinking to do my work out. I was impressed with myself.

So I did 5 days out of 6. And I am going to get up tomorrow and try a different routine that I found on TV that I’ve been recording. As long as my feets don’t hurt.

OH! And I got new shoes today!! They’re New Balance and so far I love them. I will put them on and workout tomorrow in the morning. My feet were singing. Even though they were still hurting from the day they didn’t hurt MORE. They actually kind of hurt less. Which was amazing. I have good feelings about it. GOOD feelings. Which is new for me.

On another note I did eat WAY too much today…I had a gigantic burrito for lunch and then we had to go to Red Robin for stinking Jesse, and I had a french dip sub that I really didn’t need because I was still full from lunch. But I’m a work in progress. I’m holding on to the fact that I am doing something of a work out and that I’m going to start eating better. And today? I didn’t have any soda. Which is pretty impressive because usually I have at least one a day.

So when my video camera is up and running I’m going to do a “before” video. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

 

Yeah Yeah, You Heard It All Before…

So I was talking on twitter today to someone new and we were discussing different ways to loose weight without paying for it. (i.e. weight watchers) And she suggested a weight loss blog. Now you know my history with blogging about my weight and how awesome I am at keeping going. But she suggested teaming up with another blogger to keep us motivated and what not. And then she gets the idea to start TODAY. And I think “YIKES!” Because I like to say I want to do things and then not do them. But I figured that today was a good day to start because this morning I got up and did a workout program my mom suggested I try.

I did it. And it was totally 80s awesome. The guy’s name is Gilad. And he’s oily and muscley and you know he didn’t get that way by doing aerobics with big haired ladies and an old guy. I have a couple of the shows taped so I can go through them as I please. And it will get me up and going in the morning which is something that I need to do.

I haven’t weighed myself since that last weigh in Wednesday that I did forever ago. And I’m a little worried to do so now. But I will do it. Just tomorrow since I want to keep to the Wednesday thing.

Okay!! So enough back and forth. I want to introduce you to my hopefully partner in this if we can get it going.

http://mistermamasir.wordpress.com/

She is wonderful. I just met her like I said and had to go and read through her blog and she’s young and a mom and I think amazing. I’m trying not to get down on myself already but she is so pretty! And probably only needs to loose 10lbs unlike my 100lbs. hahah!

So with our tax returns I’m going to get myself a flip camera and do something embarrassing to keep myself on track. I’m going to post a video blog twice a month, so I can show everyone what I’m doing. What I’m ACTUALLY doing. And I will warn you it won’t be pretty. I’m thinking on the lines of while I’m working out video taping the ugliness happening. And then maybe after a while it won’t be so ugly. I’ve also played with the idea of taking pictures of my food. Which I think I will start tomorrow. I’m going to buy myself a NEW water bottle for work since some asshole threw away my other one. And I will get better at drinking water.

Please bear with me on this. I know I keep doing this and sound like a broken record. But I’m tired of this body. And I want to be able to move again. I’m starting to believe that being fat is kind of an addiction. Being lazy is tough work to do but after a while it’s easier to be lazy then to do what you need to do. And it’s hard. I have never in my life been self motivated. The only reason I did anything in high school was because I loved playing basketball and I had to lift weights for the sport. I had to run to play. And I couldn’t quit. Even when I wanted to because I had a mom who wouldn’t let me quit. I had a mom telling me what to do and when to do it all the time. In college the only reason I walked to class was because I didn’t have a car. And once I got that car? I would drive. DRIVE three blocks to get closer to the school…instead of walking. I think I was predestined to be fat…it just didn’t happen for a while.

So here it is. Here I go again on my own…well not on my “own” this time. I just wanted to say a line of that song. I think I’m done rambling for the moment.

I might be more coherent later…who knows.

 

IDEA!!

OMG. I figured out that every time the show Hoarders comes back on my views for that ONE post spikes. Well first off I have to say that yesterday my little bloggy blog had 123 views. Over 100 visits! CRAZY PANTS! And then I was thinking it was because of the whole “search engine optimising” or whatever it’s called when you say a “key” word over and over again. But I didn’t say Hoarders that much, and I said it way more in the last post I just did…and that didn’t get any hits really at all. Just the normal amount. SO I FIGURED IT OUT! it’s this picture!

It’s all about this picture! So I was thinking maybe I should just put this picture in EVERY SINGLE POST. And then maybe I would get visitors all the time.

And then I calmed down and remembered I honestly don’t give a shit if 100 people are just looking at one post. Because it only matters that REAL people are reading and enjoying my nonsense. Because that’s really what it’s all about here in my brain vomit. Nonsense.

I wish that I could say that I have a reason for doing all of this but I don’t. I’ve been over this a thousand times already and I just need to quit it already.

I think we’re headed to the gym with Julie today again. I have to take Oscar because ever since he spied the pool there he has been begging to go swimming. So I think that’s what we’ll be doing today. Which is a good non-stress workout for me. My feet have been killing!! I can’t wait for my taxes to get back so I can buy some new shoes. My nike’s are way past their expiration date.

 

Hoarders…It’s back on…

A long time ago I posted about a show called Hoarders. And I even put up one picture. For some reason this post about hoarding is the ONLY post that gets any hits. As of right now it has 49 views, just for today. I don’t know if they are from real people or not. Because the post in itself ended up being about my eyebrows and not about hoarding at all.

I still watch hoarders when I get a chance…but I have to watch it alone because it bugs Jesse too much to watch dysfunctional people. My thoughts are that it hits too close to home. nudge nudge wink wink.

I can always tell when Hoarders is back for a new season because my views spike. I don’t have regular enough posts to have that many people interested in my lovely life. I just wonder what people think when they’re googling Hoarders and hit on my post and then see pictures of my eyebrows before and after. “I want to read about hoarding! aaww aww! It’s just some weirdo talking about her facial hair…boooo”

Even better people are googling “badgers” and coming up with my post about a badger being in my hoohaa. The internet is a beautiful thing.

 

This is MY Version

I can’t tell you why I believe what I believe. If someone were to pin me down I would have to say because I don’t know…I don’t know what happens after we die. And I would like to hope and think that SOMETHING happens. Because what’s the use of being here? Just to be here? I guess that’s okay. We can be on this earth and live our lives and then just die and be done with it. And I know that I have a faith in some sort of God. My version of God is a lot different then other peoples. I truly have this “faith” in a God that loves EVERYONE, and EVERYTHING. And yes bad shit happens. And I bet that there is possibly no reason for it. There is no good reason why people have to die. Unless you know they’re really old…lol… There is no good reason why babies die. And God has yet to answer that. I can’t possibly wrap my head around the idea that “He wanted them with him.” Really? Really…God was like…”Hey you know, Randa, you REALLY didn’t need to have that baby, so I just…you know…I’m gonna take it off your hands…kay thanks bye” Plus the fact that I lost the baby at 10 weeks so really it was still not formed so what is God going to do with a blob? AND if there is a heaven is that blob going to be up there hanging out when I get there!? What would I say to that? I mean really?

Think about it. All those aborted babies, most of them in the very first weeks of life, just a jumble of cells hanging out with Jesus. That totally makes sense. And what would they look like? I mean would they be spirits? Do spirits have shape? I just don’t get any of it. I guess that’s why I like to imagine my own thing, instead of someone else’s version of heaven.

I really have a problem with people who have been “saved” because it all seems so false to me. I don’t have to be born again to have any sort of relationship with “my god.” To me it’s my own thing and I don’t need anyone telling me how to do what I do. I don’t need a hypocritical religion or “leader” on tv telling me how to be a good person. I know how to be a good person. I believe that I am a very good human. I am good to my neighbors. I treat people with respect. Yes I talk shit. Yes I judge. But I never ever thing about anyone and say “well they’re going to hell.” Because how the fuck do I know? All I know is that my version of heaven and hell is a lot different than anyone in any Christian denomination. And thank GOD for that. Because while their being boring in their non cussing, no fun having heaven. I will be cussing like a trucker with Jesus in Mine.

 

I’m only posting on Wednesdays now…

I don’t have anything else to say except that I got very good advice from a co-worker.

“just cut your calories down. You can eat whatever you want…just not as much.”

OH MY GOD YOU SIR ARE A GENIUS!!!! I DIDN’T EVER EVEN THINK OF THIS!! YOU SHOULD BE A DOCTOR OR SOMETHING! HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU ARE AMAZING!!

And then I flipped him off and walked away. No, no I didn’t. I just said “yeah, Mark I know…I’m not an idiot.”

Anyway I didn’t lose any weight, but I didn’t gain any. So I guess that’s a good thing. I need to do something to move my body more.

This week? I will be doing more zumba.

 

Heavy

I have been watching A&E’s new show Heavy which is, to me, like intervention but for people with weight issues.

It makes me cry every time. I would love so much for someone to come into my life and say “Miranda, come to this retreat for a month, where we will have two trainers for you to work out with, and a nutritionist to show you what to eat and how you eat it.” “And then? We’re going to send you home and in 5 months we’re going to give you a personal trainer and all the tools to keep losing weight.”

I do not have the amount of weight to lose like these people. I never catch how tall these people are but they out weigh me by 100lbs at least. But me?

I outweigh myself by at least 100lbs. Now don’t tell me I’m wrong. My senior year of college I weighed 140lbs. Today, I weigh 245.

I keep talking and talking about the weight and that I’m sick of it. I’m sick of myself. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate my pictures. I can’t stand the over hang that is happening. It makes me cry. It makes me hate that I used to be healthy and I was never happy with myself then and took it for granted. I never once thought that I would be this big.

I’m changing. On my own, I’m doing something about this.
Without a trainer.
Without the fancy resort.
I’m doing this now.

I hate working out. I HATE IT. I don’t like to lift weights. I don’t like to walk on a tredmill. And DON’T even tell me to start running. You can suck it and go straight to hell. I will never be a marathon runner.
I’m sucking it up and trying new things…
I’m doing some dancing.
I’ve talked a friend into letting me sneak on the base and go swimming.
My portion sizes are going down.

I’m looking at these people who have more weight than me to lose and instead of looking in the mirror and saying “I could never do that.” I’m finally saying…

I’m going to reclaim my body.

It’s mine, and it’s going to be healthy again.

I am going to do this.

 

The Purpose Driven Life Day 4: Made to Last Forever

The thing that I have the hardest time with is death. I get antsy thinking about it. My palms sweat and I can feel my heart start to beat faster. Because sure I know that there has to be something after this life but WHAT?! I HATE the unknown. I hate suspenseful movies for this. I fast forward through them to find out what happens. I read the end of books to find out if the main character makes it. I have to. Death bugs me for this reason. I don’t know EXACTLY what is going to happen when I die. And no matter how much “faith” I have in God or Religion isn’t going to stop me from wondering this and being apprehensive about it. It’s not even a comfort to know that your soul goes on forever after this. Because what do you do? Do you just hang out? NO ONE KNOWS! You can’t tell me that this guy writing this book knows definitively what goes on after we leave this world. And if this life is just a precursor to a much better place then why place so much importance on getting ahead in this life? Why not just be content on where you’re at? And why if we leave this earth and move on to a different plane would it matter what we did here? If everything starts over, why not a clean slate? We don’t take our bodies with us, so I won’t be fat in heaven right? OR WILL I?!

“This world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever.” 1 John 2:17(NLT)