Category Archives: sick

Update…trying TRYING to see the postives

So our LOVELY rental agent lied to us. She said it was a three+ bedroom house, meaning three bedrooms in the house with an additional “room” off the back of the attached garaged. No, she lied. Its two bedrooms, with an additional room off the back of the garage. So I have lost my office space. We went over and painted yesterday. We thought that there would be power to the place since they have to clean it and all still. No no power. So no entertaining Oscar while we worked. I heard a lot of “I wanna go home!” I don’t want to hear anymore of it. So Jesse went today to finish up since, and I quote “You did such a good job yesterday.” Does that sound like he’s patronizing me? Because I feel patronized…I’m just not sure. Apparently I have fooled him into believing I can’t do anything until yesterday when I painted both bedrooms, hallway, and living room, plus all the baseboards in the house. What did he do? He put protective plastic down on the floor…apparently that is a very hard job. (insert sarcastic emoticon here) So. It’s a much smaller house, but the kitchen is bigger then this one here. There’s a WORKING fireplace, just in case we don’t want to pay for gas heat this winter, which I am all for. (insert shaking fist at Avista Utilities here) Uhm what else. OH! There’s a really nice park just down the block, with a skate park, so I can practice my moooves on my long board. HA HAHA HAHAHA. Oscar really liked it though. There’s a school on the other end of the park so if IF we are still in the neighborhood when Oscar goes to school its right there for him. The thing is…there’s a school here in this neighborhood the same distance away…whatever. I’m nitpicking now. Uhm Oh it will only take Barb 3 minutes to get to work, which is nice, and probably only a half a gallon of gas instead of a quarter of a tank. So until she gets her car up here, which might someday happen, she can take it easy on our gas gage.
I’m not feeling any better about the move. I’m just getting better at pushing the emotions aside to get shit done. I could still burst into tears at any moment. This is what I don’t like about me and depression. I’ll back track a bit. When I was going to counseling, at first, I cried every session. After about a month or so I had a handle on things and wasn’t breaking down at every second, thanks in large part to my prescription, and a small part on my counselor telling me not to take everything to heart and showing me coping skills. Anyway so I had to at one time see another counselor who told me “you’re very happy for being depressed.” Which makes me wonder what people think about depression. I mean if a “professional” thinks that just because I’m not bawling hysterically I’m not depressed what do normal people thing. Just because I can cope and push aside certain things one day doesn’t mean that I’m not depressed. My valleys are really low when I get in them and they take me a bit to get out of them, a lot of self talk and a lot of thinking, but I can get out of them. It does take help from meds most of the time. And then when I get out of them I stay out for a while, until like recently, stressful situations hit me and hit hard. I just wish people wouldn’t think that just because one day I paint a house with no problem or I’m smiling doesn’t mean that I’m not feeling like shit on the inside. I’m pretty damn good at masking my feelings, I’ve done it my whole life. Because if I’m honest with myself, I’ve been depressed since high school. I just never let people know. And it wasn’t difficult for me to hide it until I couldn’t control it due to certain circumstances. Anyway I have learned that depression is tricky, and you don’t get “over it” really ever. It’s something that I have to cope with and control probably my whole life. And hopefully like the last time I was on the medicine I can wean myself off of them again.
Thanks for the helpful comments. I do appreciate them. And yes I have read “Eat, Pray, Love” and I enjoyed it.
And now I’m going to go and find some tea, because I somehow got a cold from somewhere, even though I haven’t left my house in a week or so. (well before yesterday)
OH! Crap, no I have to tell you. PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING!!!!!!!
So painting…they haven’t gotten in to clean the house yet, and they’re doing that after we paint, but HOLY CRAP. Is it just me or does no one else clean up rentals before they leave them. EVERY place we’ve ever rented has been trashed before we get in, and they have to spend like a week cleaning it. These people didn’t EVER clean. When I see dirt on doors in my house, visible dirt, I clean it off. When there is VISIBLE dirt and food on the walls, I clean them. I’m not a psycho cleaner, I’m just not a pig. The people that lived in the house, must have NEVER EVER cleaned the whole time they were there. It was so gross, and apparently they had a cat or something because there was animal hair all along the baseboards. And I know I KNOW this is probably terrible, but I didn’t clean them before I painted, I just painted them…terrible. Oh and the master bathroom’s door was so gross it was yellowing. Who lives like that?!?! Oh and then I made the mistake of opening up the refrigerator. Holy crap I almost died. So freaking nasty. Ugh, I don’t get it.
Okay now I’m off to herbally medicate myself.

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Posted by on October 4, 2009 in Depression, moving, sick


"Homo Loving Commie"

I honestly don’t have much to write, I’m dying of the plague and this might be my last post… Okay I’m being dramatic.

My friend Leslie hates Twilight. I told her I saw a Twilight shirt in the mall and I was going to send it to her, she said she would wear it to the gym. I said people would ask her who her favorite character is and she would say “the vampire? what are you talking about? I thought this shirt was about night time.” And then she would say she hates Twilight but she loves Harry Potter and that she’s an awesome wizard. And anytime anyone says something about Twilight she’s going to say a Harry Potter spell. But pronounce it wrong. “Alhoa amora!” “Ahora Magora!”
This was just an excerpt of our phone conversations. I’m sure the FBI loved it. They love our talks about our cat terrorists. I’m sure we’re being recorded by the FBI because one day we said Terrorist over 40 times in one conversation, just to get their attention. Then they’re forced to listen to our everyday banter about Harry Potter and making porn.
Our idea’s on the phone range from talks of t-shirts:
“Its like gay porn but with a vagina”
“That’s what she said” (which I was very sad to see was already on a shirt being sold at JC Penny)
The it shifts to things like ohh our cats being terrorists, Leslie’s cat Arlowe is the leader and my sister’s cat is a go to kinda cat because she gets to leave the house. They somehow get messages back and forth to each other by a very complex system of cat hair on coats. Leslie swears that she’s seen Arlowe in a turban at one point in time. Tinkerbell as I am told her name is…has been spotted on the phone several times no doubt plotting their next move.
Then we get into talking about our crazy dreams which could fill an entire blog by itself. I honestly should just start my own little spin off “dream blog” which would just be my dreams from the night before. Yes I remember almost all of my dreams. And they are in color and mostly like movies. I’m not a real believer in my dreams telling me anything because they usually don’t make any sense at all. Or their too real to even be trying to tell me anything. My dreams are always half lit too, like the lighting is off, so in the day time I have to have lights on or else I think I’m stuck in a dream and it kinda freaks me out. I have dreams where I was dreaming in a dream and had to wake myself up in the dream and then wake up from that dream. Or sometimes I figure out that I’m dreaming and I change things in my dream to go the way I want it to go.
Our newest talk has been about how Republicans love babies and guns and hate “the gays.” And we’ve decided that they are soon to develop a baby cannon so they can eradicate “the gays” with babies. I know it sounds counter intuitive but most of the Republican ideals are. OHH! BURN!

I spend a lot of time looking on Craigslist at the postings in the Political section to get a good laugh in now and then. Usually there is stuff from a paranoid schizophrenic about being “gang-stalked” I have yet to google this word hmm maybe I will now!
“Gang stalking is a psychological harassment that can completely destroy a persons life, while leaving little or no evidence of the perpetrators.” This definition come from gang stalking I’m a little scared to click on the link because I think its a slippery slope. I’ll see if Wikipedia has anything more…
And they don’t. They just have information on Stalking. Lame.

Sometimes when I say something I want to quote lines from movies. I’ve been doing this since high school. I tend to think that I’m rather witty when I do it because I chose the exact moment to use the line. I don’t just spit out phrases. My brother has a friend who does this and its annoying, he talks completely in movie quotes but usually they have nothing at all to do with the situation. He just says them. When I first heard him do this I thought to myself “do I sound this dumb?!” I can’t! And then I was listening to a radio morning show and the female on the show said that why men talk in movie quotes is because they can’t think any original thoughts. And that threw me because 1. I am not a man. and 2. I swear I have original thoughts!! My best showing of using phrases from movies was once when I was with my mom and one of her friends they sent me in somewhere real quick to grab something and I turned and said “If I’m not back in 5 minutes…Just wait longer!” (Ace Ventura Pet Detective). It was a crowning achievement for me, they laughed hysterically. My other friend at school and I would have to quote the name of the movie after we said a line at times because people wouldn’t know what we were talking about. My friend Leslie and I can quote the entire movie of Tommy Boy. I once did a scene from the movie at dinner in front of several people. At the urgent request of my friend, and because there were dinner rolls available.

Well this turned out to be quite interesting. I was going to write the story behind the main title to show that it just didn’t come out of nowhere, but now I’m tired, and I need to take some sudafed and go to bed. Jesse actually has work tomorrow which means I actually have to hang out with my boy child. Ugh. Yeah I liked that he works because we need money but it was really nice to have someone else here to change diapers.

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Posted by on March 2, 2009 in Crazy Talk, movie quotes, sick


Word to your Mother

I have Ice Ice Baby stuck in my head all of a sudden. I had to switch titles. My title was boring me. Not of this post but as you can see of the whole thing. No more talk of depression. That’s depressing. I’m on to being weird and obnoxious. Yay! I went to a scrapbooking store today and spent way too much money. Its like a candy store but for ladies in dog/horse sweaters. That’s what I think anyway. I have yet to get my dog/horse sweater, I’m waiting for my friend to knit me one. She’s also knitting me a bikini, yeah because they have patterns for bikinis…they do!! I bought a whole crap load of scrapbooking shit and I got to work tonight making some more pages. I’m awesome.

We had our very last b-ball game tonight and the girls surprised me with a card and a gift certificate to get my nails done! YAY! I teared up a little bit. I did, you know I did. And Emily said “YOU BETTER USE IT!” and I said “Oh I will, check out these terrible nails, you know I will!” and her mom laughed for me. Seriously this was the best thing ever for me. I am so happy that I did it, my mental state is worlds better then it was three months ago, I’m losing weight! I went from 242 to 225 since November! That’s almost 20lbs people!! And I want to keep going, I wish I had more basketball to play. I wish I could just keep going back to the school. We’re having a pizza party next week though so I will get to see all the girlies again. We had a good season, we didn’t win a damn game but we learned a whole bunch. So now I get to get my nails done and possibly my eye brows! Which have never been done before.

I’ve been in good moods a lot lately, and I’ve been remembering to tell my brain to quit it when it starts thinking crazy thoughts. I’m getting excited for Melly to move on and get out truely on her own. I am praying that she makes it and that her kids make it. And that she doesn’t kill them or they kill her.

Jesse has yet to work…three weeks now! And no unemployment! Uhm why am I in a good mood?? I have no idea. The unemployment office made a mistake and they have to take 3 weeks at least to fix it, the good thinkg is that he will get all the back pay from the weeks that he called in and didn’t get a check, we just don’t know when that will be. In the mean time our tax returns are holding us over…by a thread. I keep looking at our dwindling supply and wonder “why did I pay off the couch so soon??” But its okay, things will work out, I have my positive thinking cap on and I will continue to do so, almost annoyingly. I’m almost ready to by a lotto ticket, we have to be one of those stories “they only had $10 left in their bank account, they found $5 and decided to make a bet…” And then we will have millions of dollars and live happily ever after! I do have to say that if we ever did win the lottery people would be hard pressed to try and find us…we’d be traveling…a lot. I think we would be nomads for a while, just so we could see everything we’ve always wanted to see, and spend time with people we can’t spend time with now. And my friends would be well cared for, that’s for sure.

Enough dreaming, I have to shower and go to bed. This cold is going to kill me. I will though, if its still around on Monday, call the doctor, I like to wait till its good and serious before bugging the professionals.

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Posted by on February 26, 2009 in basketball, Scrapbooking, sick