February 20, 2005 A found blog…

February 20

A found blog…

This is what happens apparently when I have two blogs…sometimes they get mixed up…no idea  SO!  here’s the lost one that I typed and then got mad when it was gone and blah blah blah.
I’ve got nothin…seriously I’m all out.  I dont really have anything to say and nothing on my mind.  Sure I have work to do, do I do it though?  Nope because I don’t want to work today.  I wish I could have called in sick and layed in bed all day long.  That would have been nice.  My streak has ended.  I’m back to feeling crappy.  Its all aba’s fault talking about dog puke and ugh.  That was yesterday and I can still gag just thinking about it.  So I need new thoughts on my brain.  NEW THOUGHTS!  I am currently listening to my 80s station.  They’re playing Def Leppard right now.  I remember listening to Def Leppard while mowing the lawn, with my sister’s walkman and my red fanny pack that I got from gramma Elaine for christmas.  The only time I used that thing I swear!!
So I’m at week 12…the baby is growing and looking more like a baby and I’m still sick.  I cant wait for these hormones to subside and make me not want to throw up all the time.  My sister in law is having a baby…any day now.  She wants it to come early so she doesnt have a big baby, apparently the doctor told her she cant have it weighing over 8 pounds.  good luck with that.  If it gets any of our genes.  But my sister had two kinda small babies so maybe she’ll be lucky.  Mom keeps telling her to keep that baby cooking in there for as long as she can.  Its better for the baby.  I dont care what my aunt jane says I’d rather have my baby in my body then in an incubator.  I’m really hoping for a boy though.  I have that name.  I cant for the life of me get a girls name.  I like Olivia, but its too close to Olive.  And I like Isis, but that’s too Egyptian…and too powerful a name.  Thats as far as I can get.  I still wish I were having twins.  I’ve got that down.  Oscar and Olivia.  I think that would be just wonderful.  I dont know why but I’ve always like the name Oscar.  The boy is going to be Samuel Oscar, because well then his initials will be SOB hahahaha.  terrible.  I know its against the baby naming rules but its just too priceless.
My aunt/advisor has decided that Jesse and I should just go down and get a civil ceremony to get married.  He and I have this response “meh”  because really we’re too lazy and if we leave anyone out of even just signing a peice of paper heads are going to roll.  I talked to my main advisor (mom) about it and she’s really just about the same as me… “meh”  “if you want to, just tell everyone when it will be and if they really want to be there they’ll be there”  But she’s not so gun-hoe on the whole thing, which is amazing…the Catholic in her is being subdude somehow.  My dad was wondering way back when…if and when we were going to get married and I told him “when we’re 40”  he didnt really like that answer.  Apparently he wants Jesse to make an honest woman out of me.  the oldschool dad in him I guess.  At least he hasnt sat jesse down for a “talk” yet.  I am honestly surprised in my mom’s lack of “yes do it and do it now”  I mean growing up I was told not to live with a guy until your married, not to have sex till your married and god forbid if you did both and had a kid!  without being married!!  She has mellowed out in her old age.  My sister can attest.  I remember hearing “what!?! YOU NEVER LET ME DO THAT WHEN I WAS HER AGE!”  and even I have said that about my younger brothers.  I think after five kids and however many randoms she’s had through the house she’s gotten lazy in her morals.  or just kept them under her hat.  Because I wasnt going to listen to the whole “not living together till your married” after she didnt care about Alex living with a girlfriend.  That’s just bull right there.  How can she go from being mad at my oldest sister for living with a man and then eloping to vegas but then when my brother does it its okay?!  My sister Mel I think is the only one that actually followed mom’s rule with the whole living together thing.  Katie didnt do it the second time around, but Mel is the model kid!  She didnt live with her husband until they got married.  I really wanted to be that kid when I was growing up.  I wanted to shine in my mothers eyes.  I wanted to do everything perfect for her.  I wanted to not have sex till I was married.  But when I wasnt married by 20 like her or my sister mel…Those rules seemed to far fetched for me.  How was I supposed to know if i really liked a guy unless he stuck around after having sex.  I mean what do you do, you save yourself till marriage then you have sex with him and what if its terrible?  What if your completely incompatable in bed?  What if he decides that he doesnt like it and goes and finds someone else,  What if that “love” that you thought you had with this man wasnt really there.  Man if I would have tried to stick around with the first guy I did it with I would be in bad shape.  He was a terrible person.  I thought he was okay until I found out how he treated me “after the deed was done”  I couldnt stick around for that!  Then I figured it wasnt such a big deal really.  Sex was just sex to me.  It wasnt a love thing, it was a fun thing to do, and yeah I really didnt love any of the guys I had sex with.  But I was doing it right when I met them.  So how can you love someone right off the bat?  This was all well and good for me until I saw the boy at the gas station.  then it was all over.  Jesse was the only guy that I actually talked to for more then a day before doing it.  We actually waited…(not my choice) for a month almost…it was a painful month.  And then I found out why sex is called making love.  I know I know cheesy shit.  but seriously.  I honestly couldnt see myself with anyone else after that.  after a month of getting to know a person and then doing it is soo much different then just going out and dancing with a guy and taking him home.  (that was fun, and sometimes I miss the hunt) But I’m old now…old and so much fatter then those girlies out in the club.  When I think about it I dont remember trying too hard to get a guy, its fairly easy…but now god I dont even know if i could do it.
Holy crap! where did that all come from?!  I think that was someone else.  haha.  I get all introspective on you’re asses all of a sudden.  So yeah getting married…It really comes down to the fact that we dont need a peice of paper to tell us that we’re going to be with eachother for the rest of our lives.  and really it will only be for the parents.  but if the parents arent in a rush to see this peice of paper then why are we?  I remember one of the first things Jesse’s mom told me when I met her “Live with eachother for at least 5 years before you get married, you really get to know someone in that amount of time, you can find out if he turns psycho or you turn psycho”  I honestly think that was really good advise…and that’s why I love Jesse’s mom to death, and I can’t wait until she moves up here.  Am I one of the weirdo’s that actually enjoy the inlaws? and dont really think of them that way?  they’re not inlaws they’re my family, and they’re wonderful.
Alright why do the baby web thingies always call babies “her”  cant they use gender nutral words?  because my baby is not a girl! haha.  and if she is a girl then she’s in for big trouble.  being raised by a tom boy and a well he’s just yeah.  She’s got no hope for survival in girl world.

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