(Un)Righteous Indignation

If you hang around and read enough blogs you come to find out that more people are indignant then happy. Everyone has a cause that they are fighting for. They always have something to bitch about and it seems the more time on their hands the louder they are and the less they do about the problem. They sit on their blogs and write and pour their hearts out about their righteous indignation and how it’s not fair, or right or proper, no matter what the topic. As long as it offends their fragile sensibilities weather it be something that is a big matter or something just fleeting. The point being is no matter the size of the matter they will blow it to catastrophic proportions.

What do I do when I’m not writing my daily nonsense? I’m either working or watching tv. I lead a very full life. I also, in between feeding my child the wrong food and drink, read a lot of blogs. I have a good mix I feel but sometimes I look at my reader and say to myself “everyone is writing the SAME THINGS!” And they’re all indignant about the same things that to me don’t seem to matter all that much.

I read post on facebook and feel the same way. Everyone always does the same thing, says the same things, they all have to do the “meme” of the day. “Everyone post thankful things this month!” Yeah I get it it’s nice to see “positives” on facebook. But if you look? Everyone is trying to out positive everyone else. It’s tiring. I should spend less time on facebook and on blogs and on twitter. This would probably fix all these issues I’m having. But then what would I have to be indignant about?

Since most of you (family) don’t read a lot of blogs did you know that there are people out there who write stuff every day about their everyday nonsense and get paid for it? They post over developed over photo shopped pictures and talk about fancy things and they get paid for it. And did you know that EVERY OTHER blogger out there is trying to get paid to blog? Every blogger is a writer in training or something. Or they’re already a writing they’re just expanding. I like reading blogs that talk about wanting to start making money off of their blogs. And they’re crap…I mean crap. I read and I keep wondering why I have the blog in my reader. Because what I write? Is crap. It’s my crap, but at the end of the day I’m not looking to be published. I’m not looking to make money off of this…ever. I’m never going to write a book, memoir, or novel. It’s not in me to do. Firstly because my English writing skills are not up to par at all. I don’t want to delude myself into thinking that anyone besides my family who want to know what I’m up to and my inner thoughts would want to read what I have to write. And secondly because I don’t have the patience or attention span to actually sit down and write anything.

If I ever want to do anything else in my life beyond working at Wal-Mart I would want to go back to school and take writing classes, I’m not talking about just creative writing I want to take grammar classes. I want to be able to write a coherent sentence that makes sense to a reader, with out the help of a grammar check. I think that I write the way that my thoughts are, which are mostly scattered. I don’t really feel like I write the way I speak. You can correct me on this if you want. But I feel that most of the time this is directly out of my head and not out of my mouth.

I will never be a popular blogger. And I don’t have great dreams of becoming one. I honestly just write this for who ever wants to read it. It’s an extension and a censored journal. It’s a journal that I wouldn’t be afraid of my mom reading. Because she obviously does. I think at this point in my life I don’t have that much more to hide. I’ve never been one to hide much though. You know this. Obviously because I’m narcissistic enough to have a blog and believe that people want to read what I have to write.I’m obviously not writing this for my child to read later on. Because you know? That’s a reason why some people start their blogs. For their kids to read later on. REALLY? I don’t get that. Sure he might read it. But listen, I’m hoping that I will be able to instill a good sense of self worth and self assurance in my kid that he won’t care that I told embarrassing stories about him. Because my mom did…and you know what? She didn’t have a blog to write all those stories about me being Wonder Woman, but she had friends, and she had family to tell. And that is essentially what this is. The kid is going to be tortured enough being in this family…my little stories about how he came into my room with his shirt on his legs this morning isn’t going to affect him in the slightest.

I think I’m done apologizing for not writing every day or every week. Because that’s not me. I’m not a writer. I’m me. And I’ll do this blogging thing on my own time when I want to. And you can choose to read it, or not. But I know you will. Because you hang on every word that I write out. I know you do.

 

Paranormal Hobo Ghosts Cats Glee Halloween!

You got that?

I didn’t sleep much last night. You wanna know why? Because I watched Paranormal Activities before I went to work. And then! I watched two episodes of Paranormal State. Which is way worse then the movie because IT IS REAL PEOPLE! Ghosts are real mmkay. And all night I kept waking up expecting some invisible hand grab my leg and drag me out of my bedroom. And what’s worse? Is that if that did ever happen…Jesse would probably sleep through the whole thing. That scares me. I would be drug out to the back yard and killed by hobo ghosts and he would wake up in the morning all refreshed. Jerk. And then when I tell him that I didn’t sleep at all and why he says that he’s not going to tell me anymore because he has before and I ignore his warnings. I have a problem. I have a scary story problem. I’m ready to admit this. Yet I’m not ready to stop listening to the stories.

Another problem that I have with the night time is two cats who have been named…get this…they’re very very original names: “Oscar’s Cat, and Oscar’s OTHER cat.” Yup. I tried to name one Chowder, but Oscar vetoed it. “NO THAT IS OSCAR’S CAT! NOT CHOWDER!” They like to fight with each other all night long. I have scratches on my hands from them trying to hold on when I fling them off my bed. So it looks like the ghosts have attacked me in my sleep but I really know that it was actually my stinking kitties.

My love affair with the show Glee is slowly burning out. I’m just not impressed and dazzled anymore. Now its just like a bad show about high school with songs thrown in. And most of the time the music isn’t all that great. The last new episode I didn’t know any of the songs. Lame. And I’m worried after reading the reviews about the newest one that they do an homage to Rocky Horror Picture Show. I’m not a huge fan of the movie, but I liked it enough to know when it’s been done wrong. So there’s that.

I have to work the mid shift on Halloween. I’m not too upset about this because Barb wants to take Oscar out trick-or-treating which is great because I hate it. I have always hated it. I don’t like getting dressed up and I definitely don’t like going to other people’s houses unannounced and asking for things. We just don’t have a costume for him. He wanted to either go in his jammies or go as “Lightnening” and when I said “Lightening McQueen?” (from Cars) he said “NO! LIGHTENING GUY!!” Who is a character from a PS3 game his dad plays. The guy doesn’t have much of a costume. Just a leather jacket and jeans. Oh and electricity shooting out of his hands…I don’t know how we would do that for a 4 year old. So he might just have to pick one out at the store. I wanted him to go as a fairy princess…but he shot me down. The boy does not love me at all. On another note I apparently really need a baby girl in my life. Anyone wanna donate one to me? ha!

I have finally stepped it up and got myself a blue tooth for my phone. But my blue tooth is pink. So I call it my pink tooth. I wore it all day even though I didn’t talk on my phone that much. Okay I didn’t wear it ALL day, because in all honesty it kinda hurts my ear. I don’t know how people can keep those in their ears all day.

We took a terrible turn as parents and put an old playstation in Oscar’s room. He loves it. I had to work until 10pm the first day he had it and the next morning he crawled in bed with me and told me he played his game “all night long!” and I said “all night?! did you sleep?” and he said “Yes mom…I was playing my new battle game FINAL FANTASY!!” And he threw his fists in the air. Adorable that I’m raising such a game nerd. My future is bleak. He doesn’t play it all day long though which is good. And I know, we’re terrible parents. I get it. We’re rotting his brains.

I had a co-worker tell me that she doesn’t want kids because they’re all annoying. And I agreed with her. My son? Annoying. But then she had to talk about how he was annoying at this party we went to because he kept going in and out of the house. And then even more annoying…he kept calling for his mom! I mean the NERVE of that three year old! Calling for his mother?? Can you imagine?! I don’t know what she expects.  I get it. I get that people don’t want kids. But what does she expect? So I tell her all the annoying things Oscar does to convince her even more not to have kids. I didn’t really want kids either, but it happened. And I love him to death, I do. But if any parent tells you that they’re kid isn’t annoying at times…is a fat liar. Kids are a pain in the butt. The only person I know that didn’t have a problem with any kid is my mom. And she’s a freak of nature. Or a saint. I’m leaning towards freak of nature though. She still I’m sure thought that we were annoying at times. Just ask her about my sister throwing screaming fits…hahah!

So there’s my update. Nothing new to note. Just that I am SUPER FREAKING EXCITED about Thanksgiving. It’s going to be tons of fun. I love being with my family. Maybe I’ll be able to get a flip camera before then to document the craziness.

 

 

Respect and Love

Yesterday I wrote about what I love about myself and the fact that I empathize with other people and feel what they feel and so on.

I don’t remember my mom sitting me down and saying “You HAVE to love all people, no matter what.” I don’t remember her saying “He’s gay, but you still have to like him.”

I do remember when in high school a boy in my class was clearly gay. But of course couldn’t come out and say it for reasons of well…religion, small town politics, and other bully bullshit. But I remember one of the other boys in class saying “Yeah I think he’s gay, but it doesn’t make a difference, I still like him.” But then, once he did come out after graduating, I heard all sorts of nasty words from people, I didn’t understand. Coming out and being who he truly is didn’t CHANGE him. It didn’t make him a different person. It made him complete, in my mind. It didn’t change my view of him, I still thought he was a wonderful person. It gave us a chance to compare notes about boys in high school a little more open though. 😉

My mom never said to us, “he’s gay and you have to like him.” I don’t remember what she told us, I guess by that time I had already made up my mind about him. I wasn’t there when he lived at our house to tell you what my brothers thought about it, but they too, I thought, accepted him for him. Because you don’t accept people based on outside appearances, or who they love. You accept people for who they are on the inside. Just like I can’t accept Glen Beck because on the inside, if you really listen to his words, is a hateful scared man, and in my opinion the epitome of a bully. I will never be able to accept people like that.

What it comes down to is what we show our children. If I tell Oscar “this man is gay and you have to like him.” It won’t do anything for him. But if I SHOW him that I don’t care whether that man is gay and his being gay has no bearing on whether I like him or not, I hope that he will be able to do the same. I hope that by me being accepting and showing love to everyone (except bigots and bullies) it teaches my son that he can do the same. My mom never sat me down and said “treat everyone how you want to be treated.” She lived it. She is wonderful to EVERYONE, and I lived with that, and I soaked it in, and I feel like my siblings do the same.

Sure I judge people, and harshly, and probably wrongly. But whether a crack head or a saint comes through my line at work, I say the same things to both of them. I say “How are you today?” and “Have a good day.” I don’t change my tone, I don’t change my words. Because if you treat one person decently who’s to say that they don’t turn around and treat someone else nice because of it.

I don’t read the bible. I don’t go to church anymore. But I do believe in the core beliefs of Jesus. I still remember the large plaque at the back of my church. I would read it over and over again while the priest was giving his sermon. It said “A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so must you love one another.” I don’t remember if these are the exact words. Every time I go home and go to church with mom I look to the back of the church, but the plaque is no longer there…and I wish it still were. More then ever now, people of church communities need to remember that.

He said “Love one another…” not just the straight people, not just people that believe the same thing as you. “LOVE ONE ANOTHER.”

This is what I want to live by, and what I want Oscar to live by.

To love and understand people.

To embrace the differences in life.

To love.

 

Loving Myself.

I’m doing a 30 days sort of deal but not all at once because I can’t think that much. So you’re getting them when I wanna give them to you. So “day two” is

“Something you love about yourself”

I love that I have empathy for people. Well almost all people. Like my high school AP History Teacher said: “I am only bigoted towards bigots.” It’s hard to have feelings for everyone, it’s hard to look at someone and say “I haven’t been through what you’ve been through but let me feel for you.” I like that I can do that. I like that when a person yells at me for empty shelves at a store I have no control over and tells me that their battling cancer, all I focus on is the fact that they’re battling cancer, and forget that they’re mad at “me.” and I like that all I really wanted to do was hug that woman. And tell her it was going to be okay, and that she was a strong brave woman. I love that I’m sitting here crying about it just typing it out.
I love that I I can take people’s pain into my own. And that I can listen to people, and really feel emotions.

Something else I love about me? I can let go of things. I truly look at things as “small things” and tend to let go. Sure I will bitch and complain for a bit. But then after I get all that out, I will let go. Unless it’s a big deal. If it’s something near and dear to my heart I will not let it go. I will hold on to it in my heart and not let anyone know it is bothering me until I explode. Which isn’t something that I love, but it’s something I do.

I love that I can deal with any type of person. I have a high tolerance for stupidity. I will talk shit about the stupid person. But I will tolerate them. Why? Because sometimes it’s just easier. I don’t look for fights but if a fight comes to me I won’t back down. I also like that about myself.

I like that I will have the ability to teach my son tolerance, and love. I love that I will be able to tell him honestly that it’s better to love everyone then to carry hate and to bully. I love that I can smile on days when all I want to do is sit and cry for the world. It’s hard to do, but I do it. I smile all day long and try my hardest to make at least one person feel better.

 

My Own Fortress of Solitude

Don’t get me wrong. I love the sound of my boy’s giggle, and squeal as much as the next mom. But sometimes? I just want to be alone.

I saw a quote that said something to the effect of “You can be with someone (or people) and still be alone.” But what happens when you’re with people…and you just want to be alone?

I’m with people all day. Angry people, happy people, broken people, crazy people, normal people. I get tired of it. I just want to be alone now. I just want to stay in my room and not have to listen or talk or feel for a day.

The only way I can try and just be with me and no one else is to put on head phones and ignore the shouts from Oscar and the wrestling that goes on with him and his dad. Most of the time this doesn’t work. But I can try my best to pretend.

My hormones are out of control all of a sudden. I’m blaming it on hearing about “someone” starting their period. Because my body instantly threw me into this haze of anger and emotion right after she mentioned it. It’s like my uterus heard that and said “OH! That’s what I forgot!” So I know why I’m doing all this, but I continue to do it. I continue to make side handed remarks and little jabs at Jesse out of sheer meanness and frustration. I sit here worried about every mistake I’ve made the past month with money and everything else.

If this was a scene in a movie it would have me just sitting here still with blurs of Jesse and Oscar running in and out behind me. They’re playing. And I’m ignoring. I can’t seem to join in with them, I’m an outsider looking and watching the joy and hearing the screams of laughter. While listening and hoping Pandora plays me something to feed my soul and fill the hole that sometimes only a song will fill.

And then it fills that gap…
“Can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars. I could really use a wish right now.”

And I think that maybe it’s an okay thing that I live right by an airport. There’s a lot of wishes up in my night sky.

 

We all Have Struggles

(Written Monday, just to get you in the mind set.)

What I really want to do is sit here and type out all the ways I hate a certain Fox “News” person and how he’s a hateful mean spirited fear monger. But apparently only a couple people actually want to read and or comment on my political posts. Which is fine. I honestly don’t mind debate and when people don’t comment I just assume I have rendered all of you speechless. Or you all agree with all of my point and cannot simply add more to what I have already eloquently stated.

We ALL have problems with money.

The odd thing is the way that the money has been coming into the house lately, I shouldn’t have a problem. But because I don’t have a problem I tend to say “It’s okay to get this, because we have money.” And then we end up with a problem. But now I have a goal. I have to ask for the time off today at work. But I have a plan to go visit a friend who I have been missing for a while and I haven’t been able to see. And I rudely stood her up because of a new job way back in December. So I’m going to try and make it up to her and save money and go down to visit her and her family. I am beyond hopeful about this trip.

I’m actually thinking of postponing Oscar’s birthday to save the money. I wouldn’t do that! Yes I would. He won’t know anyway. He gets too many things as is. Yet if I don’t do his birthday I will feel like I’m not doing my job as a mom. Because every year my kid requires a cake and people around him singing him a song. But this year is different. I don’t have my sister here. I don’t have my wonderful neighbors. It’s just us. And that should be sufficient yet, most of the time I feel pretty lonely.

It always circles back to me doesn’t it?

Work has finally broken me down. It had stopped being fun, and apparently we’re not allowed to have fun anymore which is usually what happens at the jobs I’m at. We get out of control and have to be reeled back in. But whatever. The biggest thing for me is my feet. They hurt so bad from the concrete that I can’t be nice anymore. I feel like raging at people. I was going to get new shoes but we needed groceries instead. So I had to think: “food or shoes?” and food won. Of course. Stupid food. All it does is make me fat anyway.

I got sidetracked by a job opportunity. I just filled out the application now I have to do a new resume, again. Because since I had to reboot my computer I lost my last resume. No “good luck” necessary, I’m just filling out things and hoping for a chance. It’s a part time job at the City Council as an assistant. But it would pay me more than the 32 hours a week that I work at WM for just 28 hours a week. Make sense? And hopefully the opportunity to get benefits and to get my “foot in the door” as it were.

And I got side tracked some more by work. I’m home now. Work wasn’t terrible tonight, but I think that’s because for most of it I ignored my “real” work and just did what people told me to do. It was a little less crazy in the store tonight compared to the last couple of nights. I like Mondays for that reason. So now I’m sitting back and drinking a beer. Thinking about going to bed. Because tomorrow might be a long day. Work from 11am to 7:30. And then one more shift and I’m off for two days in a row. And I will tell you now that those two days will fly by, even if I do nothing at all. Because that’s what days off do.

 

Conflicted

I’m a little torn on why I do all this writing. Some days I wish that hundreds of people would find my blog and read it and soak in its glory and wonder. And then other days I’m just glad that my family and friends read it. But most days I’m happy that I have found a couple of other people outside my small circle that read and quite possibly enjoy what they read. I don’t know what my “style” of blog is beyond just random nonsense. But I would love to actually pin-point a style. And then stick with it. That’s the big thing. I guess I am sticking to the “randomness” of it all too. So that’s good right?
I wish that I had a better memory of conversations and write them out like some blogs I read. I wish that I had a better grasp of imagery to convey a better picture like other blogs that I read. And then I read some and say “Do I sound like that?” because I don’t like those blogs and I don’t want to sound anything like them. Like a person desperate to get in with the “cool” kids. So desperate that they have to sound like the people they idolize. I wish that I could write like the bloggers that I idolize. And that list keeps getting bigger by the way. I have found my way to some new ones that I love and makes me wish that I majored in English instead of Public Relations…I doubt I would have passed those classes though. Considering my D in English 101. Man that woman hated commas. And I figured that out WAY too late in the semester to get my grade back.

I read a blog out loud to Jesse at dinner. It was funny, it’s my new favorite blog. The author was interviewing her 8-year-old daughter. Jesse’s response is “hey do you want me to remember the conversations I have with the guys at the shop? You can write those down and blog it, they get pretty sick though” Yeah that’s what direction I want to take. Hey everyone! It’s a construction worker’s day!! Lots of talk about balls and big tittied women! I want to write the conversations that I have with Leslie because she’s hilarious. But apparently only to the two of us.

I want to write about a lot of things. The disdain I have inside boiling right under the surface. The “snark” just begging to come out. But about what? About co-workers? Meh. Most of the people I work with are alright, and the others aren’t worth it. The customers that I have to deal with? Again not really worth it. Other bloggers? My audience would have no idea what I was talking about. The twitter wars that I watch like a wallflower? Again, there would be no connection. So do I reach out to get a bigger audience to talk about these things? Or do I just keep the status quo?

At this point in time there’s really  nothing more that I can blog about. I don’t have a lot of drama going on. I can’t snark on people because I don’t like to hurt feelings. I can’t honestly blog about a big thing that is going on because of certain people and again I don’t want to hurt feelings…

But I do have something in the works. And I hope that it will come out like I want it to. And I do want an audience to read it. And if it’s just my small audience I will be okay with it. Because maybe those people who read it will pass it along to people who need to hear this story. I know I’m being totally vague at the moment but like I said it’s in the works. It might take a bit to get going too, so I don’t want to give too much away until I get it going.

 

Budgeting is a lot like Weightloss

Okay so I have a problem with my weight, we know this. I also have a problem with my bank account. Jesse and I combined really don’t make as much as other people. But we manage to pay our bills and we’re able to get things here and there for us that we need. Sometimes I forget that we don’t have an unlimited supply of money and I go and buy things that I “think” I need. Like shorts. I know! I don’t NEED shorts. I could just wear my jeans all summer, or my yoga pants or whatever. So that money goes away. Or I decide that it would be in our best interest to not let Jesse go by himself all the way to Astoria and I spend way too much money going to see my dad.

And then I wake up in the morning and my cell phone won’t work. YAY! I forgot to pay the bill when we had money! And oh yeah that awesome “personal trainer” yeah I’m still paying for him…$79 every other week! I have to figure out when that finally stops. I hope soon. Oh and I have to get Barb and I together to go in and cancel the whole thing because you have to sign a paper and I’m pretty sure that if I go in there by myself they’ll want to see Barb too. That means we have to take Oscar in there as well. Which is always fun.
Anyway. The point is. I can’t seem to control my spending as I can’t seem to control my weight. Well my weight is holding steady at a point where I don’t want it to be.

So now what I need to do is figure out how to stop spending money and budget. The only thing is Jesse’s income is STILL erratic and I never know what he will make. And mine won’t cover everything to be able to budget accordingly. My bank has this nifty thing on line but all it does is make me feel worse because every month it says we’re living outside our means. It says “You’ve spent ___ in the past 15 days, see where it went!” Oh I know where it went alright, I just don’t want you to rub it in.
Maybe what I will do is just take my paycheck and pay the bills with it. What bills I can, when I get paid and then with Jesse’s I will supplement that and also use it to you know…feed us. I have to stop taking time off and actually work so I can get better pay checks.

I took my second test for the Police Radio Dispatch and it went okay. Not as good as I hoped but I got confused on the whole “Is this house on the north side of the street or the south side, or on the west or east side of the street” I think I went dyslexic on it and well yeah, that was the only tough part. Usually I’m the first one done with those tests but man! There were like 4 people who got done before me! I was amazed!  I can only hope that they did worse than me. I am now on a list and I guess they’ll call me when my name gets to the top.
In the mean time I am going to work on getting better at not spending money. Which is hard, because I have money. I should be able to spend it but then I have to remind myself that I don’t actually have money.

*Photo at the top has nothing to do with the post except I kinda feel like that kid sometimes. (I got it from photobucket if you need to know)*

 

A Whole Lot of Nonsense

Life in a dumptruck

It’s what you’ve come to expect from me right? I know I haven’t been blogging as much as I should be. But my anxiety has peaked up a bit and I’ve worn all my ideas out on Twitter. Blame Twitter. Don’t join twitter though. Well wait do, but only if you’re sick of farms and cafes on Facebook. If your tired of ranting religious freaks and blah blah blah. Because on Twitter, they can follow you, but you don’t have to follow them in return. You don’t have to be friends on Twitter. Which is awesome.

Uhm okay so none of you that actually READ my blog read other blogs right? Except the few that do, and you know who you are, and you know why then I am going to scream for a moment. But my favorite blogger in the whole world is The Bloggess. She is wonderful. Go read her if you haven’t. If you have then you know what I am talking about. She honestly is what I wish I could be on my blog. Fearless and fearful all at the same time. Okay the point of this paragraph is: Jenny The Bloggess commented on my last post. I almost peed my pants. And then I was mad because I didn’t see it the day she posted it for some reason. (work) And then I was excited because she COMMENTED on my blog. It’s like I have arrived.
I read today on another blog at Mom-101 about blogging not being a contest. But if it were a contest I am now a participant because a blogger that other bloggers know and love commented on my blog. Not just emailed me like some have before when I email them, but COMMENTED. Because commenting is a big deal to bloggers. And since I blog, I want comments. This means YOU people. I know I don’t really open up in my posts to deserve comments but really. If you read, why not say “Jesus your a freak, Randa.” or something! Because in this contest of comments and awesomeness I am losing big time. And you know that in my competitive nature I also have this fatalist side that says “If I’m not winning then I shouldn’t be playing at all.” (OH MY GOD I HAVE DERAILED.)
Main point…I don’t know how many times I can say this but I felt really just “wow” and “holy fuck” about this one comment. And if I started getting more comments I think I would be like that all the time. (I’m kinda begging here now aren’t I?)

So I made new Twitter friends and a new Twitter Friend was bragging talking about all her ideas that she has for her blog and she has to write them all down. And I have those ideas but they never translate. I should just do a video blog. But then I think I’m more funny in a team than just by myself. So I don’t know how I would work so well just talking to a camera. One day I might just try it.

I applied for a job. I know I just got “promoted” but whatever. This job is better. It pays more then double what I make at WalMart. I have to take a typing test and a map test next Tuesday for it. I just tested myself on line and passed at 71 words a minute. Not too shabby. All they want is 40wpm. I think I can handle that. Oh and the map thing. I think I’ve been living in Spokane a total of 10 years or so, so I think I can figure out the streets. If not then how the hell have I been getting around all these years?! Still they suggested to study a map of Spokane. I don’t know what to study for, so I’ll just look at a map for a while and call it good. Oh the job is for Police Dispatch. There is only one position open so I think I have to score pretty damn good on the test to even be considered. Good thing I don’t get too nervous about these things.

Uhm what else is on my mind…I downloaded a whole bunch of new music. My iTunes are like a top 40 station now. Suck it. I like most of the top 40 aight? I am kinda glad Glee is over. I was getting to where I wasn’t liking it so much. And then ending was just a “meh” for me in general. I do love Idina Menzel (if you don’t watch look her up she plays in Wicked). Maybe I’ll do a whole post on it because you know that you have to hear my opinion about that show.

Oh, my brother is coming into town, I’m excited. I might actually get to see some basketball at Hoopfest this year. If they give me time off. Which they should because I’ll be working 6 days straight before the new schedule comes out and I will throw a fit if they make me work more then 6 days in a row. I will. I’m a Diva like that. Speaking of work. Man I really like not being on a register, or standing at the door. And I have been told by several co-workers that they are glad that I got the spot, and that I have the right personality for it. Which is always nice to hear. I also thought that I lost 10lbs in the first couple of days just because of all the running around crazy like and sweating like a pig, but no. No weight loss.

I am going to talk to my trainer, soon…about maybe switching up the training. Because I have to pay for the training sessions no matter if I quit the gym or not, which is BULLSHIT. But I think I’m going to talk to him about maybe meeting me at a bigger club and just playing basketball for an hour. Because I would much rather do that then lift weights while he stares at me. It creeps me out. I would also probably lose just the same amount of weight playing b-ball vs. lifting weights in front of a mirror at a place where everyone else is skinnier then me. I would pay someone to play basketball with me. This is what I have come to.

My new favorite song, that is playing right now is: Airplanes by B.o.B. featuring Haylie Williams of Paramore. (Who I LOVE!). I don’t know how to add music because I’m an idiot. But I think I can type out the chorus and first verse while listening, I am almost a trained transcriber you know…

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

I could use a dream or a genie or a wish to go back to a place much more simpler than this.
‘Cause after all the partying and smashing and crashing and all the glitz and the glam and the fashion and all the pandimonium and madness there comes a time when you fade to the blackness.
And when you stairin’ at the phone in your lap, you hopin’ but them people don’t call you back
But that’s just how the story unfolds.
You get another hand soon after you fold.
And when your plans unravel and they’re saying ‘what would you wish for’ if you had one chance.
So airplane, airplane sorry I’m late, I’m on my way so don’t close that gate, if I don’t make that then I’ll switch my flight and I’ll be right back at it by the end of the night.
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

I think I’m done. Maybe I’ll have more direction if I post more often then once every other week.

 

I Think I’m BiPolar…or something…

If I were a psychologist I could probably diagnose myself a little better.

I’m up!

I’m down!

I’m this way!

I’m that way!

I want to work out and get in shape and be healthy!

I want to sit on the couch and cancel my gym membership!

I don’t mind working at Wal-Mart!

I HATE working at Wal-Mart!

I want to be a basketball coach!

I want to do something ANYTHING with my life.

I don’t want to work at Wal-Mart forever. I don’t even want to work there for the next couple of years. I look at that and get depressed. Seriously.

I’m getting mini anxiety attacks every day that I have to work. These are starting to worry me. I get nervous stomach and then want to eat a lot.

Deep breath now, I’m going to just start typing things that are going on in my head at this very moment…

I found a blog of a woman who named her son Oscar. This disturbs me greatly. Because that kid does not look like Oscar at all. I look at my boy and see “Oscar” I look at her boy and see a weird kid that kinda resembles an alien. I’m a little possessive about these things. I found out that a neighbor’s friend named her son Oscar last year and that kinda made me angry. Weird right? It shouldn’t bother me. But when I named him I kind of was hoping that there wouldn’t be that many out there and that I would have a harder time running across that name. Don’t get me started on seeing my name in comment sections of blogs that I read. Who’s the impostor?! Me or the other Miranda/Randa?

I had a dream last night that Oscar drowned in a gigantic bath tub. I saved him, but Jesse was in the other bathroom taking a shower and I was yelling and screaming for him to help me and he just kept taking his shower. I had a bad feeling that I would have a dream like this before I went to bed because Oscar’s sick and even though I don’t show it very often I tend to worry that he’s going to die in his sleep. Because that happens, you know.

I don’t think I talk about my parenting and my child as much as other bloggers that I read, and I wonder if I don’t take enough joy and wonderment out of my situation as other people. When Oscar turned two I didn’t write a post saying goodbye to his baby-hood. I didn’t really even notice. I’m just not that kind of parent I guess. I do miss him being a baby and not being able to move around as much I’ll give you that. I guess I’m just not a sap or something. Maybe because I have no direction to this blog. I guess it’s my own inferiority complex at play here. Man I need to get back to a counselor/therapist or something. I’m losing it.

I just yelled this at my son: “You EAT the Jello! You don’t PLAY with the Jello!”
And with that I have to clean up a blue jello mess! This is parenting. It is not glamorous, it’s not pretty. But it’s not all that hard.

People make a big deal about parenting. Like it’s the hardest thing that you’ll ever have to do in the world. It’s not. It’s fun at times it sucks at times, just like any job. I just haven’t found out if it’s “worth it” or not yet.

Oh and I have a plan for the future. I’m going to work until Jesse gets a good job after going to school and then I’m going to have babies. Lots and lots of babies. I might start late but I’m going to do it. HAHAHHA. This sounds like a good plan doesn’t it? V? You know you love this plan.