The Vampire Obsession and Me.

I’m a fan of many things. But I’ve never been a “super fan” of anyone or anything. Unless owning at one time all of Mariah Carey’s c.d.’s a “super fan.” I’ve never sent a fan letter, I never had her picture up all over my walls. In high school I was “obsessed” with *ahem* Tiger Woods. And even went so far as to put him on the “guest list” for one of the dances as a joke. I had his pictures in my locker. I loved playing golf and followed his rise to domination. Then I found real men to obsess over in college. ha!

I’ve always been intrigued by vampires and vampire stories. I know a lot of people who don’t like Ann Rice but I have always liked her writing and devoured almost all of her books in the Vampire Chronicles. It wasn’t so much that I wanted a vampire to bite me or fall in love with a vampire but it was just a good book to read that didn’t make me have to think about anything.

I read the Twilight books because my sister had one and said they were good. So I read it. And yes at first I did “fall in love” with Edward. But as I kept reading I could tell that these were not well written books, the characters were not very developed and they just seemed kind of hollow. They were super easy for me to read, because well, they’re for teens. But I kept reading because I wanted to know how it was going to end. I borrowed the last couple of books from my old neighbor and read them in an afternoon. They left me with no sense of anything really and I’ve forgotten most of it. I tried to watch the first movie and had to fast forward and kept getting up to do other things. And I also kept trying to change the channel yet I was watching it on a DVD. Anyway I have yet to get to watch the second one. It’s in my queue but I keep pushing it down because really I don’t have an interest in it.

So after hearing so much about True Blood on twitter I decided to put it at the top of the queue and check it out. And now I’m hooked. I get two disks at a time that usually have 2 to 3 episodes on them and I watch them all at once. They keep me going because I want to know what the hell is going on! They totally threw me off, usually I can figure out “who did it” pretty quick and I had no idea until the episode where they reveled it who the “killer” was. That impresses me. I’m now addicted to True Blood. It has sucked  me in; to be punny.

So now I wait, I sit and wait probably until Monday to get my next two videos. And when I get done with the second season I will sit and be sad that I don’t have HBO to watch the third season.

In other news: We’re looking into Weight Watchers, Barb, and I. She has a couple co-workers who are doing it and losing weight and looking good, and now we want to try it out. I know so many people that it’s worked for that I just have a feeling that if we do it, it will work for us.
Oscar had his 4 year old check up yesterday. He’s 41 inches tall and 41 lbs. A pound an inch! He did really well and didn’t freak out until the two nurses came in and we had to lay him down to get four shots. So today he’s being pretty mellow and has a bit of a fever which is to be expected. And pretty nice for me that I don’t have to worry about him messing around.

 

Life/Game Changer

I have a co-worker who is a volunteer EMT nurse.

Today I had chest pains at work, and I was short of breath. This isn’t a new thing for me. It happened yesterday and it’s happened before. I just don’t mention it because I don’t like to be a whiner and I don’t like to have people worry. Because to me it either feels like an anxiety attack. Or sometimes it feels like indegestion. I don’t want to go to the ER and have them say “Oh it’s just indigestion, you’re fat, stop eating.” So I don’t say anything.

Usually.

Today I said something. And I got visited by 10. Swear to God 10. EMTs. Apparently it was slow and they had nothing to do. I got a free EGC. I got told to go to the ER. Because something happened. Not today. But at sometime something happened to my heart, the EMT said that it looked like something had happened but he couldn’t tell. And that I should go get blood work and an EKG and that they were worried that if I didn’t and that if I went back to work I would drop dead. I shouldn’t say that. Because it just didn’t seem like that dramatic. They really wanted to put me on the stretcher and take me in the ambulance. But I wouldn’t let them. I can’t do that. I don’t care, unless I’m unresponsive I won’t take an ambulance to the hospital. I already owe the damn hospital 6 grand. And I know it’s my health.

What it comes down to is I have to do something. I have to somehow change. I wish that this was my wake up call and I just all of a sudden change my life around and turn into a long distance runner. And loose 100lbs in a year. But that’s not going to happen. How am I supposed to go for walks after work when I can barely stay standing at work because my feet hurt so bad. Even with the amazing insoles that I have now my feet still are unbearable by the end of a shift. I’ve already stopped drinking soda. I’ve stopped replacing it with sweet tea. I’ve cut down my portions. I haven’t seen a change. I’m going to get a pedometer to show people how much walking I do during my shifts. I jog around the damn store. People see me doing this. I have to do this to get around quicker because usually when I have to do a price check its at the other end of the damn store. Have you been to a Walmart lately?! THEY’RE HUGE! So why does nothing change? I don’t eat candy. I don’t eat cake. I don’t eat fast food every day. Actually I haven’t had fast food in a couple weeks or more now.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t just start seeing a doctor. I can make an appointment with the community health care clinic and hope to get in before the pain magically stops or before I have to make a trip to the ER. But I know what they’re going to say. They’re going to say: “You’re 100lbs over weight.” “You’re stressed out and possibly have anxiety issues.” I know all of this. So why pay someone to tell me this. When they can’t fix it. They can’t fix my weight problems, unless I can get emergency liposuction. They can only prescribe pills that I can’t afford for the anxiety. So why go when I already know what’s going to happen?

So I came home from work and told Jesse and he says “let’s go to the hospital.” I’m the one saying no. Because I know what is going to be said to me. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand going to the ER and sitting and waiting and crying because I know how much it’s going to cost. I don’t cry because it hurts or I’m worried about my health. I cry because I know how much it’s going to cost. And yes I know how much a possible “heart attack” will cost to my body. Ugh.

I know.

I know.

I know.

 

So Here I Go!

I did something desperate on Monday…I signed up for a membership at a gym. I KNOW!! I announced it on Facebook already so this is probably old news for most of you. Okay all of you…But I am finally at a point where I’m done just looking at myself and hating me and nothing else. I’m ready to actually do something about it.

I went in today and rode a bike for 42 whole minutes. My legs were jelly and it was boring as hell but I did it. Tomorrow I am going to do some Wii dancing because I won’t be able to make it there before I have to go to work. But I like dancing so it’s all good. Oscar kinda dances with me at the start but then lets me go on my own. I’m finding new favorite songs to dance to and getting more and more high scores. But that’s easy because it’s just me playing the game.

I’m not going to turn into a marathon runner. I’m not even going to turn into a 5K runner, because that is not what I am. I have never in my life been a runner and that won’t change.

I’ve decided that it’s time for me to be healthy again. It’s time for me to be less fat. It’s time for me to be able to look at myself in the mirror with out a digusted look on my face. It’s time to get back to me. This, this fat body, isn’t me. I’m not a cute fat chick. I will never be comfortable buying clothes with butterflies and sparkles. I’m tired of trying to convince people that yes I am fat. I AM FAT. But I am not proud of it. I’m tired of it.

It’s going to be a series of baby steps to get me out of this fat body and back to the body that I remembered way back when. It didn’t take me long to gain it. And I can’t blame it on my kid. So I’m going to try my hardest to do this.I won’t talk about it every post. So no worries on that…I’m still working on some stuff and trying to get the words out of my brain and on to the computer. It’s been tough though. Most of the stuff I want to talk about is pretty tough for me to talk about and well I still don’t like hurting people’s feelings…I also want to write more crazy talk and just flow of conscious writing but again it’s scary to write that way.

Oh! Crazyness! I had 44 hits on my blog yesterday and it was all because of my hoarder post! WEIRD!

I’m thinking about adding a page and doing almost a daily diary of my life at the Mart. Just to show people that it’s not crazy all the time. Or I might just have to do a new blog all together for it and make it anonymous so I don’t get “fired” if they can do that.

Alright it’s late and Oscar will be up at the crack of dawn tomorrow. Because that’s how he rolls.

 

UpDate On The “Burn”

Well apparently I’m not able to take Jillian’s Fat Burner Pills. I took the recommended dosage before work and well yeah, talked 10xs faster then normal and thought I was having a heart attack. Not willing to give up I tried just one pill the next day. I went to work feeling a little hungover from the previous day and then all of a sudden I felt a lump under my chest and thought I was going to die. So much so that I felt that I needed to call my mom and let her know that I was dying and that I loved her. It was the weirdest feeling ever, I talked myself out of it. I figured it was best so I didn’t start crying at work, because I also felt that if I started crying I would never stop.
So the next day I did not take any more fat burner pills. They’re not for me. So now I have to do something “real” for this whole weight loss thing and realize that there are no fast ways (besides lypo) to get rid of fat. Okay so honestly I knew this before all of my talk, but I think I’m just coming to terms with it now.

 

Jillian Wants My Fat To Burn…

Today I start the second week of my 14 day cleanse and burn. And while I didn’t really feel like I cleansed I’m ready to get burnt. We’ll see how it goes. Today I start taking a probiotic and two fat burners a day. Usually fatburners are just a crap load of caffeine that makes me all cracky and hurts my stomach. I’m hoping this is a little different. Reading the directions though, I’m a little worried. I don’t drink coffee at all. Well I do, once a month or so, because it messes with my stomach and gives me headaches. Maybe this is because when I do drink coffee I over do it. But Anyway I’m willing to give it a chance. Hell it might give me more energy and that in the end is was I really need. Considering I have a boy that gets up at 7 and then I pass out on the couch while he watches Umi Zoomie for half hour increments.

So we’ll see what happens. Keep your fingers crossed that I don’t end up acting like a meth head at work today!!

Oh and if you’re wondering, during the “cleanse” I gained a pound. Yay! I think I just need to quit eating all together. That sounds like a good idea. (I’m being sarcastic)

 

Apparently I’m already Clean?

So I’ve decided to actually start being proactive about my weight. To start this whole new journey I got this: Mostly because Jillian looks crazy mean and she really wants me to be cleansed. Then burnt. And because it’s been recomended to me by Jillian to use before starting any weight loss program. I figure the 14 days will give me some time to think about seriously starting a weight loss program. I started my first 7 days which is the cleanse on Friday. And can I tell you that nothing has really happened. Except for some weird little things that I contribute to reading about what is supposed to happen. No big fireworks in the bathroom to signal that I’m going to lose 20lbs of crap from my bowels. All I’m doing at the moment it peeing. A LOT. And I think this is because I have dry mouth and want to drink all the time. I read on some sort of chat page that the cleanse pills take away your water and your electrolytes which worries me, because don’t I need those things?! So I’ve been drinking more water, and it goes right through me. So maybe my kidneys and urinary system is getting a good cleanse but my digestive system is just going as it usually does. Which isn’t a lot. I’m not giving up on it though. I give up on everything. And if this is going to be the start of something, I’m not going to quit. Oh and the directions don’t tell you what to eat. So I’m eating the same things, I just started eating LESS of what I already am. Well except that box of Velveeta Shells and Cheese…that was gone. I don’t even know what happened there…I swear to God.
After getting done with the 7 day cleanse it’s on to the 7 day probiotic replenishment and “burn” where the pills now give me back all the probiotics I lost during the cleanse in my digestive system. And then the “burn” pills SAY that they relase the mature fat cells in my body. That would be nice because these fat cells are going on 12 years and I’m done with them! Move out mature fat cells! Go to college or something already!! Oh and I’m doing this all before my friend V comes to visit me because I want to lose like 100lbs in two weeks. Because that is totally realistic. (And I’m totally being funny right now)

Anyway the whole point of this is that I want to be fit and healthy again. I keep looking at fit and healthy women and think “I want to be like that.” I’m tired of not being healthy. And to be politically un-hip I’m tired of being FAT. There I said it. I am not a cute fat girl. There are very beautiful large women who don’t have health problems and are comfortable and lovely and I wish WISH I was one of them. But I’m not. I have a fat ugly potato face and my body is an odd shape. I miss being athletic. I miss being able to walk from the front of a store to the back with out being out of breath. And a bit of TMI but I’m tired of not being able to “groom myself” because I can’t see anything down there with out lifting a big fold of fat. I know that I wrote a post about my weight before, and my view of myself. But this is a progression. I think I am now ready to actually DO SOMETHING about it. I’m getting it done. Who knows where I’m going to end up. I hope that I end up healthy. I’ll keep saying healthy. Because I know that I am not at a healthy place right now. Body wise. Mind-wise…well that’s a whole different post.

And now it’s time to get off the computer and get going on some real world errands.

 

Stupid Body

This is going to be short, because I’m in pain. My uterus after four months or so decided to make its exit. Okay maybe I just started my period after four months. But it feels like my whole lower quadrant is leading a revolt. Which doesn’t lend to writing so well. Oh my god why am I talking like this?! I’m sounding like I’m trying way too hard when I should just go lie down. And I think that’s just what I’m going to do. I really wanted to get out of the house with just Jesse and the Punkass. But nope. It’s a lay around and moan day.

Oh and I signed up at sparkpeople.com to see if that can motivate me to lose weight. My target weight for right now is 190lbs and my target date is Sept. (They wouldn’t let me try for an earlier date) We’ll see how it works!