Category Archives: dad

Pictures To Go Along With The Story

So we had a wonderful half a week in Portland. It was good to see my dad. I should have gotten some pictures of him, but that probably wouldn’t be very nice to photograph a sick man. At least he wouldn’t be able to chase after me! I did however get some excellent shots of his view from the fourteenth floor.

Isn’t that beautiful?! I want to just take that view with me everywhere. I wish I would have been there for the Fourth of July. Dad said a nurse came in and made him get up to watch and he saw the whole city light up with fireworks all the way around.
So there is a Sky Tram that goes from the hospital down to a building for doctors.

This is on our way back up. I couldn’t get any pictures on our way down because Oscar had a death grip on me and was sweating because he was so scared. I think that a fear of hights is maybe inhereted because my hands were sweating the whole time too. I felt like I was flying though. I have a fear of heights but apparently it’s not crippling because I am able to go on rides like this one with out having panic attacks. The good thing though if I did have a panic attack I was going right back to a hospital. Oscar loved it right after we got off of the tram. He wanted to go right back up again.

Someone had an unfortunate accident.

Here’s the station up at the top. The nice thing was that since we were visiting a cancer ridden dad we got to ride the tram for free. Oscar really liked his tickets, and held on to them very tightly.

While visiting dad was nice, it also gave me a chance to visit my friend Leslie, who I only get to see once a year or so, like most of my friends.We met her family on the beach at Pacific City. Thanks to GPS on my phone the trip was fairly uneventful. Except for one “make a legal uturn as soon as possible.”

The Oregon Coast is always cloudy isn’t it? Or is it just when I go?

Here’s Oscar, Aiden, Leslie’s Husband Bryan and Laila. Oscar is totally amused at the moment.

Leslie and I tried our hands at cloud bursting and it worked, but it took almost until we had to leave for the sun to come out. My shins got burnt. Laila loves me. She drug me into the waves, and then out of the waves. I love her, because she made me run. Not many people can do that. We actually got to park on the beach which was a first for me. Thankfully Bryan brought my car down for me but then it was up to me to get it back up. Scary stuff!

He’s totally playing dead. I swear!

Leave a comment

Posted by on July 10, 2010 in cancer, dad, family, Oscar


Hospitals are too quiet

Dad is sleeping. I just heard Oscar out in the hallway. It is too quiet in here. He’s too excited about life. Oscar not my dad. Typical three year old never concerned about all the cancerous men and women on the floor. He just wants to WASH HIS HANDS!!!

When you enter the floor you have to call in and then someone on the other end opens the doors for you. Then you go through another set of doors and there’s two sinks and you wash your hands. Dad’s room is just opposite of this little station so I can hear Oscar yelling at Jesse “ARE YOU ALL DONE!?” Now he’s in here doing his best stage whisper. He’s such a good boy. Just outside the door, his voice returns to normal.

I am very germ free at the moment. All you do is wash your hands and sanitize your hands. And don’t for the love of GOD sneeze or cough. Oscar sneezed…twice the first day we visited. I told him he was killing his Poppa. He took me very serious. Today he had to start coughing because he choked on his own spit. He’s got plans to get at dad’s money or something. I don’t know why he wants to kill him so bad.

Dad, to me, is doing very well considering what is going on. He does a lot of sleeping and then sits up and talks with me and jokes with the nurses and they walk out not knowing what he was talking about because apparently they weren’t taught sarcasm in Nursing School. The one doctor on Dad’s “team” that I keep seeing is awesome. She’s very up beat and fast-moving and looks at everyone in the room when she’s talking. Not just dad. She includes everyone when she is telling us what is going on. I haven’t seen any other doctors so I can’t compare but I find that quality very comforting.

Jesse’s job in Astoria only lasted two days. We thought it would be three. He’ll be back soon to do the rest of the “phases” So basically his working for two days just paid for the trip. Which I think was worth it. It’s good to see dad. I was really worried given our money situation and what nots that I wouldn’t have been able to see him. Oh I will be adding pictures as soon as I get home. Or doing a whole post with pictures when i can down load them off my phone. I got to go to Pacific City yesterday to meet my friend Leslie and her family for some fun on the always sunny Oregon Coast. (That was sarcasm) It was not sunny, not until about an hour before we left. I still managed to get sunburnt. We had a good day though. It was nice to see her. Even if only for a little while.

I also got to spend an evening out with another friend from GU and have some beers and have a wonderful time just talking. Life problems were sovled! haha! Kidding. But we did have a very good conversation. It makes me miss my friends so much, and makes me wish we were all back together again.

We’re now waiting for my sister and brother to get into town tonight. And then we will head back to Spokane tomorrow. Then it’s back to work for me. BOOO. I really like not working. I’m such a lazy ass.

Leave a comment

Posted by on July 9, 2010 in cancer, dad, Uncategorized


My Letter to Dad

Dad and Oscar


I know that Father’s Day is tomorrow. I was going to get you a card and send it to you for the first time ever. But then I haven’t had a chance to just look through all the cards at work and find the best one that says exactly what I want to say to you. I want it to be funny and witty like I am. I want it to be heartfelt and tear jerking because that’s how I feel right now. I would end up sending you 10 cards I think. Because people can usually say how I feel better then I can.
10 years ago I wouldn’t be able to say this. Because 10 years ago I didn’t really know you. Not that you weren’t there, but you know. I saw you in bits and pieces and you were working. You worked so hard to give us the life that we had. You worked so hard at your business to make us as comfortable as possible. I had a co-worker ask me what you did for work and I told him and he said “So you came from money then?” And I never thought that. I never thought “Man we have a lot of money.” We never worried about it. We never thought about money. I told him. “We weren’t rich, we had enough.” and he said “That’s what upper middle class people say.” And then I said “Well we grew up in a trailer house, if that makes a difference.” I didn’t mention the addition. I didn’t mention how I had a car when I was 16. I thought that was just something that happened with everyone. I didn’t mention how I went to Gonzaga and I’m not drowning in student loans now.
You and I didn’t have a relationship until after I got out of college. I know that we’re a lot alike. I remember looking at the office down at the shop and how your desk was and how mine was exactly the same. A BIG MESS. (to other people) But we knew where things were. Man I hated you sometimes. You were the worst boss ever. You would leave me alone for weeks and then micromanage the shit out of me out of nowhere. But working for you, I think, made us grow closer then we would have otherwise.
I remember in high school playing my ass off in basketball and just wanting some sort of feed back. And it broke my heart not to see you in the stands. I played because you did. I played because I loved it. I played to get some sort of pat on the back from you.
I buy GMCs because you do. I do a lot of what I do because of you. I don’t try and get mom’s attention and affection because I know that I have it. I never knew that I had yours.
In high school I took a pschology class and we talked about the Oedipus complex. This is when little boys hate their dad and love their moms. This happens with little girls but of course the opposite. I raised my hand and said “I didn’t do this” and Mr. Thomas looked at me and said “Really? why?” And I said “because I don’t remember my dad when I was little.” And this teacher, who worked with my mom, and knew my whole family had to ask “Are your parents divorced?” and I responded. “no, dad just works. As soon as I was born, he had to get to work, he had three kids, and then two more came and he didn’t have time to be with us.”
Being here when you’re leaving to go through all that shit again breaks my heart. Because I remember what happened the first time. I remember that I was there last time. I was in the mix I was in the middle of everything I was a part of it. I got fired. Remember that? And now? Now I’m 8 hours away, getting updates from Facebook and the occasional call from mom. And all I want to do is just hug you. I want to tell you that I know that you’ll make it through all this just like you did last time. I want to tell you that I am not worried. I want to tell you that last time that you went through all of this you looked a little like Yoda. Except 10x taller.
I want to tell you that I love you.
I want to tell you that my life wouldn’t be the same without you.
I want to say thank you for being my dad. For doing all that you did. Good and bad.

There is so much more that I want to say, but I’m a bit emotional at the moment.

Oscar and My Dad's hands


According to Astrazenica I am indeed Bipolar.

Okay maybe they need to have better then yes or no questions. But if I had a doctor I would definitely talk to him about being maybe just a little bipolar. And discuss why I have chest pains, that I consider to be indigestion. I’m sticking with that. But feel free to kick my ass if I die in the middle of the night. I also have wicked heart burn going on right now but that’s because I can’t stop eating enchiladas. Is anyone rolling their eyes at me right about now? Because I am.

I’ve decided why I’m writing this blog. And it might just become more personal. I’m writing to remember things. The weird thing is that I kept a journal all through high school and most of college and the things that I have in that journal are pointless things that I didn’t need to remember. But I remember important events that happened in my life.

Like the first boy to break my heart into thousands of pieces and made me realize that I didn’t need to throw myself into non committed relationships so easy. I remember that, I didn’t write it down anywhere. I remember hiding under my desk in my dorm room bawling about it. I didn’t write that in my journal. I did write how I cried. I don’t remember what he looked like though. I don’t remember what most of the boys I was with look like. Huh. Yeah out of all the boys that I was “with” I remember what maybe two of them looked like. Is that blockage? Or a bad memory? The guy that I lost my big V to? No idea what he looked like. I remember that he was a little shorter than me. But I can’t remember his face. Hell I didn’t even know his last name.

So if I start writing more about the weird things that Oscar says or does just skip over it. Because I kind of want to remember that last night I was on the phone with my brother Baba and I told him that Oscar is now saying “What-EVER” to me like a 13 year old girl. And right after that Oscar started saying “Blah blah blah” and flapping his hands in that weird hand talking motion. Apparently I really do have a 13 year old girl. Maybe what I’ll do is set up a page just with weird things that Oscar does. So that I don’t have to torture everyone.

Things I found out by reading other blogs:
Sunscreen is bad and doesn’t work at all. Your Mama
I will probably not watch Sex in the City 2 with out a lot of self loathing. BurkasNBirkins
Everyone has a reason to blog, except me. Wait I do now! Blogging for Blogging
You need to have your own Red Dress. I’m still looking for mine. The Traveling Red Dress

Things that are bugging me on Twitter:
When people talk shit about someone like they’re talking to them but they aren’t really because their tweeting about it.

Oh and a last thing. I think I will be blogging about my dad again soon. Mom says they’re getting ready to do his second T-Cell transplant next month some time. You know what a T-cell transplant entails? Well it’s when they take a huge dose of chemo and kill off your immune system and all the bad cancer cells then wait a bit then put your t-cells back into your system and cross their fingers. Basically. Dad told mom that she could stay at home since he’s been through it before. Guess what my mom said? Well now, after a couple of months of him being on steroids I wonder if she’s thinking about staying home. I would. hahaha! Sorry mom!


Posted by on May 27, 2010 in blogging, cancer, dad, twitter


Two for Wednesday

So I have to do another post today for missing yesterday. And I need to update everyone on situations that I have previously written about.
I went in and had my interview with Wal-Mart and it went good, I was offered a job and will be a part-time temporary employee for up to 120 days. Which will be nice and help us while I’m working on getting done with my Medical Transcription. Which I am happy to say that I’ve gotten an assignment done, Monday! And waiting for them to get it back to me to re-do because I have to get 80% or better and there were many words that didn’t make sense and I couldn’t find on any data-base. And if it were in real life I’d be able to go up to the doctor and say “What the heck were you saying?!” So I’m not too worried. I have made my mind up to just not worry about it and get it done and get it in. What is really making me mad though is all the “practice assignments” other then the one that I have to turn in are all under 3 minutes long. BUT the assingment that I have to turn in is 6 minutes long! Thanks! Because it takes longer then 6 minutes to type out because well I’m fast, but not that fast!
So anyway! Sorry for the tangent. I went in yesterday and took my drug test, which I would hope I pass since I haven’t done any drugs in years! So I’m pretty much just waiting for the phone call now after they run my stellar background. They’re paying me $9.55 an hour which is more then what I made the last time I worked which is nice! And will help, at even 20 hours a week. It will definatly help out our money situation. As long as Jesse continues working.

So there’s that.

My dad update. My mom had posted a status update on facebook saying this:

Okay so Mike starts a new thing for the multiple myeloma, it is a thylidomide derivitive called revlimid. The clinic in Bend called, well their financial planner called, not a good sign and not especially if you are a real positive personality like my Mikie. So I have been told to drive the piss out of the new car ’cause it is going back. So who wants to see me? Sign up now!!

So this worried me, so I called to ask what the heck was going on. They found out that dad’s meds would cost him. $5,000 a pill. A PILL. And he has to take them once a day! For at least 3 weeks!! Oh and my dad has been on partial disability now for a year because his work has gone down since his first round with his cancer. So he’s on Medicare, and Medicare being AWESOME won’t, that’s right WON’T cover the medication because it is a chemotherapy. Sooo now they’re waiting on what my mom’s insurance will cover and whatever that won’t cover they are trying to get on different programs to help with the payment. My dad needs this so his bones will stop dissolving. This is his life. So I don’t want to hear anymore from people saying we don’t need health care reform. My mom and dad have health care. My mom pays half her pay check a month to her health insurance. So why doesn’t it help them?!?! It makes me sick.

So there you have it. Questions, comments? Good!

Leave a comment

Posted by on November 4, 2009 in dad, updates


My body image.

So a quick update on the Dad situation. He didn’t call the doctor yesterday. I talked to my brother and he said this “The cancer never went away.” Uhm okay I’m not listening to him but drawing my own conclusion. The way dad’s cancer works is that it went dormant and stopped forming tumors, but apparently it still dissolves bones. This is why dad has to get Zomeda which is a bone strengthener. And apparently his cancer has started to dissolve his ribs and according to my brother it has completely taken one rib out. (I will wait to hear from my mom to take this as fact) So today I’m researching and I will be most likely making a huge involved confused blog about it later.

So I know that I’ve been over this, and over this. But I am not happy with my body. I don’t know if I’ve ever been happy with it. I think I was a little apathetic towards it until after college. And then I started hating it. I remember it was right after college when I saw my first stretch mark. My body didn’t couldn’t wait until I had kids to give me these scars. And I really don’t like when people just blame stretch marks on childbearing. I also hate that people blame weight gain on having kids. I lost 20 lbs during the first five months of my pregnancy and only gained those 20lbs back in the last four months. Then when I went in for a check up two weeks after I had my boy I found that I lost 30lbs. I was ecstatic. And then in the year following I gained 50lbs. The heaviest I’ve been is 250lbs. I’m 5’9″. So 250 to me is different then 250 for someone say a normal 5’5″ but it’s still fat. People didn’t know I was THAT fat, just big, and everyone in my life is too nice to me to say “dude, you need to do something.”
I know in my head and heart that I need to do something about my weight. I just have a hard time finding the motivation in myself in my own heart and head to DO something about it. I know at one point I’m going to hit a breaking point and just say “that is it” and have my own little “Today Show” moment and lose 100lbs but I want to know when. I want to know when I’ll actually hit bottom with this problem. Sometimes and this is probably going to sound sick but I want Jesse to tell me he doesn’t think I’m attractive anymore. I wonder if that might jump start something, because all this self loathing isn’t working.
I also wonder that if I had money to get a personal trainer if that would work for me. I think I do need outside motivation to do this. Because personally I don’t care. I’m not in the public, I avoid it, and when I do go out I dress as nondescript at possible.
I would like to say though, without people saying back to me “nooo that’s not true” that I feel in my own impression that I am not cute as a fat girl. There are many women that are “large women” that I thing are ADORABLE. But myself? No I’m not I have a potato face and and ugly set up to a body. Not that I was a super model when I was skinny, but hey I got ass when I was. I look at old pictures and wonder why I didn’t use it to my advantage sooner. Or why I didn’t keep it. Why did I let myself get like this? What happened? What in my brain broke and made me stop doing anything to keep in shape?
All of this comes down to the fact that my friend is coming to visit in February and we have plans to “relive our 20s” and to do that, I need to be a lot lighter. Because I was 135lbs in my 20s. And now at this moment I am 240lbs. Can you do math, because I can. I know it is totally unrealistic for me to lose 105lbs in 4 months but I do want to do something. For some reason when I try to work out or ‘eat less’ it lasts for three days and then I’m right back to the eating huge portions and eating all day and sitting on my ass.
So tell me life planners out there how do I motivate myself? How does a person who has no money to join a gym or buy a Wii or ABSOLUTELY no will to “jog” to get into shape? Or just get less fat??
Anyone? Anyone?

Leave a comment

Posted by on October 29, 2009 in dad, Depression, fat