One of my twitter “friends” said this to me today: “Whatever you’re passionate about go for it!” And I’m sitting here thinking to myself
“What am I passionate about?”
Sleeping. At the moment that’s all I want to do, even though caffeine is running wild through my anxiety ridden body all I want to do is take a nap. I didn’t get up until 9 today. When Oscar was finally tired of watching TV in my bed. Then I ate and fell asleep on the couch until noon. I’m a complete mess. I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know how to take all the advice from people to help.
I hate working out. I hate it. I can’t stand walking on a treadmill or even in the open air. I walk all the time at work. I jog at work. I hate it. I hate lifting weights. I don’t want to “work out” I don’t know why people keep telling me that it is so wonderful. I don’t feel better after working out I feel worse. I don’t like being like this, like a big baby of “I don’t wanna!” but honestly if I want to be a more in shape person I need to work out. But when I find no joy or anything but pain in doing something why should I do it?
I really don’t want to go to work. I mean REALLY don’t want to go to work.
I don’t know if Jesse is going to go to school or not. I’m trying to figure out how to talk to him without him getting defensive about it. Because I apparently come off as attacking him every time I ask him about it. So today I’ll hopefully get to ask him a little bit about it to see if he even wants to go or if he’s discouraged about the stupid selective service deal. Which he never turned in so he doesn’t even know if it hurts or what. Ugh.
I shouldn’t be sitting at the computer. I should be running around and doing something. Anything but I don’t want to. I just want to sit and do nothing. I’m passionate about doing nothing.
At the moment.
Ask me again in a day or two I will be passionate about eating. Or looking into doing something else. Who the fuck knows. I’m all sorts of messed up.
The worst thing is no one can fix me. I know this. I know that I’m the only one that can fix me. But I feel like I’m incapable of doing this.
I just wish I didn’t hurt all the time. I wish that just one day my hurt would just stop.