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What if I Have no Passion?

One of my twitter “friends” said this to me today: “Whatever you’re passionate about go for it!” And I’m sitting here thinking to myself

“What am I passionate about?”

Sleeping. At the moment that’s all I want to do, even though caffeine is running wild through my anxiety ridden body all I want to do is take a nap. I didn’t get up until 9 today. When Oscar was finally tired of watching TV in my bed. Then I ate and fell asleep on the couch until noon. I’m a complete mess. I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know how to take all the advice from people to help.

I hate working out. I hate it. I can’t stand walking on a treadmill or even in the open air. I walk all the time at work. I jog at work. I hate it. I hate lifting weights. I don’t want to “work out” I don’t know why people keep telling me that it is so wonderful. I don’t feel better after working out I feel worse. I don’t like being like this, like a big baby of “I don’t wanna!” but honestly if I want to be a more in shape person I need to work out. But when I find no joy or anything but pain in doing something why should I do it?

I really don’t want to go to work. I mean REALLY don’t want to go to work.

I don’t know if Jesse is going to go to school or not. I’m trying to figure out how to talk to him without him getting defensive about it. Because I apparently come off as attacking him every time I ask him about it. So today I’ll hopefully get to ask him a little bit about it to see if he even wants to go or if he’s discouraged about the stupid selective service deal. Which he never turned in so he doesn’t even know if it hurts or what. Ugh.

I shouldn’t be sitting at the computer. I should be running around and doing something. Anything but I don’t want to. I just want to sit and do nothing. I’m passionate about doing nothing.

At the moment.

Ask me again in a day or two I will be passionate about eating. Or looking into doing something else. Who the fuck knows. I’m all sorts of messed up.

The worst thing is no one can fix me. I know this. I know that I’m the only one that can fix me. But I feel like I’m incapable of doing this.

I just wish I didn’t hurt all the time. I wish that just one day my hurt would just stop.

 
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Posted by on September 15, 2010 in Depression, family, General Nonsense, Uncategorized

 

We all Have Struggles

(Written Monday, just to get you in the mind set.)

What I really want to do is sit here and type out all the ways I hate a certain Fox “News” person and how he’s a hateful mean spirited fear monger. But apparently only a couple people actually want to read and or comment on my political posts. Which is fine. I honestly don’t mind debate and when people don’t comment I just assume I have rendered all of you speechless. Or you all agree with all of my point and cannot simply add more to what I have already eloquently stated.

We ALL have problems with money.

The odd thing is the way that the money has been coming into the house lately, I shouldn’t have a problem. But because I don’t have a problem I tend to say “It’s okay to get this, because we have money.” And then we end up with a problem. But now I have a goal. I have to ask for the time off today at work. But I have a plan to go visit a friend who I have been missing for a while and I haven’t been able to see. And I rudely stood her up because of a new job way back in December. So I’m going to try and make it up to her and save money and go down to visit her and her family. I am beyond hopeful about this trip.

I’m actually thinking of postponing Oscar’s birthday to save the money. I wouldn’t do that! Yes I would. He won’t know anyway. He gets too many things as is. Yet if I don’t do his birthday I will feel like I’m not doing my job as a mom. Because every year my kid requires a cake and people around him singing him a song. But this year is different. I don’t have my sister here. I don’t have my wonderful neighbors. It’s just us. And that should be sufficient yet, most of the time I feel pretty lonely.

It always circles back to me doesn’t it?

Work has finally broken me down. It had stopped being fun, and apparently we’re not allowed to have fun anymore which is usually what happens at the jobs I’m at. We get out of control and have to be reeled back in. But whatever. The biggest thing for me is my feet. They hurt so bad from the concrete that I can’t be nice anymore. I feel like raging at people. I was going to get new shoes but we needed groceries instead. So I had to think: “food or shoes?” and food won. Of course. Stupid food. All it does is make me fat anyway.

I got sidetracked by a job opportunity. I just filled out the application now I have to do a new resume, again. Because since I had to reboot my computer I lost my last resume. No “good luck” necessary, I’m just filling out things and hoping for a chance. It’s a part time job at the City Council as an assistant. But it would pay me more than the 32 hours a week that I work at WM for just 28 hours a week. Make sense? And hopefully the opportunity to get benefits and to get my “foot in the door” as it were.

And I got side tracked some more by work. I’m home now. Work wasn’t terrible tonight, but I think that’s because for most of it I ignored my “real” work and just did what people told me to do. It was a little less crazy in the store tonight compared to the last couple of nights. I like Mondays for that reason. So now I’m sitting back and drinking a beer. Thinking about going to bed. Because tomorrow might be a long day. Work from 11am to 7:30. And then one more shift and I’m off for two days in a row. And I will tell you now that those two days will fly by, even if I do nothing at all. Because that’s what days off do.

 

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Pictures To Go Along With The Story

So we had a wonderful half a week in Portland. It was good to see my dad. I should have gotten some pictures of him, but that probably wouldn’t be very nice to photograph a sick man. At least he wouldn’t be able to chase after me! I did however get some excellent shots of his view from the fourteenth floor.

Isn’t that beautiful?! I want to just take that view with me everywhere. I wish I would have been there for the Fourth of July. Dad said a nurse came in and made him get up to watch and he saw the whole city light up with fireworks all the way around.
So there is a Sky Tram that goes from the hospital down to a building for doctors.

This is on our way back up. I couldn’t get any pictures on our way down because Oscar had a death grip on me and was sweating because he was so scared. I think that a fear of hights is maybe inhereted because my hands were sweating the whole time too. I felt like I was flying though. I have a fear of heights but apparently it’s not crippling because I am able to go on rides like this one with out having panic attacks. The good thing though if I did have a panic attack I was going right back to a hospital. Oscar loved it right after we got off of the tram. He wanted to go right back up again.

Someone had an unfortunate accident.

Here’s the station up at the top. The nice thing was that since we were visiting a cancer ridden dad we got to ride the tram for free. Oscar really liked his tickets, and held on to them very tightly.

While visiting dad was nice, it also gave me a chance to visit my friend Leslie, who I only get to see once a year or so, like most of my friends.We met her family on the beach at Pacific City. Thanks to GPS on my phone the trip was fairly uneventful. Except for one “make a legal uturn as soon as possible.”

The Oregon Coast is always cloudy isn’t it? Or is it just when I go?

Here’s Oscar, Aiden, Leslie’s Husband Bryan and Laila. Oscar is totally amused at the moment.

Leslie and I tried our hands at cloud bursting and it worked, but it took almost until we had to leave for the sun to come out. My shins got burnt. Laila loves me. She drug me into the waves, and then out of the waves. I love her, because she made me run. Not many people can do that. We actually got to park on the beach which was a first for me. Thankfully Bryan brought my car down for me but then it was up to me to get it back up. Scary stuff!

He’s totally playing dead. I swear!

 
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Posted by on July 10, 2010 in cancer, dad, family, Oscar

 

Having Fun with Family.

My brother came to Spokane for Hoopfest this past weekend. Hoopfest is the “world’s biggest 3 on 3 basketball tournament. And it was a lot of fun. It’s been years since we went and spent a whole day downtown. Aba’s team didn’t do so hot but they had a lot of fun. And I got the privilege to hang out with four boys on a Saturday night. And let me tell you the things I saw. Ohhh boy the things these eyes saw would amaze you. This picture was taken at the end of the night. You can’t tell we were drunk at all can you? I walked my big butt all over downtown that night and I didn’t care at all. Because I was pretty stinkin’ drunk and having tons of fun. My brother almost got arrested for kicking over signs, and being a sassy pants to officers. I made best friends with a random gay dude. And OH! I saw a guy from Gonzaga that I haven’t seen since the night of my 22nd birthday. I think you might remember that story…hahahah. I freaked the fuck out. I called and left my friend a message. SCREAMING into the phone about seeing him. He did not see me. He probably wouldn’t have recognized me if he had, considering I’m 100lbs more then I was back then. I was pretty ruined for the rest of the night. I also called her again later from my brother’s phone because mine died, and I guess I was whispering. I don’t remember. I had some pretty funny texts to her too from my brother’s phone. Aba was glad that I clarified that it was me and not him talking about all the beautiful black men. Oh I also saw something that has been burned in my memory probably for the rest of my life. Some woman with a skirt barely passed her ass decided to kick off her shoes and then bend over to pick them up…from the waist…and yeah I found out that she had no underwear on and I possibly caught crabs. I’m not too sure though. I wish my phone had a longer battery life so I could have had picture of the night. Here are some more pictures from the day though:

This is another thing I cannot un-see. The first team they played had to wear the shortest shorts they could find. I had that big white butt in my face more then I care to recall.

Here's Baba. Doesn't he look larger than life? That's because I'm sitting on the ground...

And here's Jesse giving Baba a pregame pep talk.

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Oscar taking a break from the heat in the fountain downtown

It was a good weekend. And! It ended with my brother buying me sandals! I don’t have girly sandals because well I just don’t and since he was at Macy’s I figured he’d better just buy me some sandals. so he did! Yay!

 
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Posted by on June 30, 2010 in basketball, family

 

My Letter to Dad

Dad and Oscar

Dad,

I know that Father’s Day is tomorrow. I was going to get you a card and send it to you for the first time ever. But then I haven’t had a chance to just look through all the cards at work and find the best one that says exactly what I want to say to you. I want it to be funny and witty like I am. I want it to be heartfelt and tear jerking because that’s how I feel right now. I would end up sending you 10 cards I think. Because people can usually say how I feel better then I can.
10 years ago I wouldn’t be able to say this. Because 10 years ago I didn’t really know you. Not that you weren’t there, but you know. I saw you in bits and pieces and you were working. You worked so hard to give us the life that we had. You worked so hard at your business to make us as comfortable as possible. I had a co-worker ask me what you did for work and I told him and he said “So you came from money then?” And I never thought that. I never thought “Man we have a lot of money.” We never worried about it. We never thought about money. I told him. “We weren’t rich, we had enough.” and he said “That’s what upper middle class people say.” And then I said “Well we grew up in a trailer house, if that makes a difference.” I didn’t mention the addition. I didn’t mention how I had a car when I was 16. I thought that was just something that happened with everyone. I didn’t mention how I went to Gonzaga and I’m not drowning in student loans now.
You and I didn’t have a relationship until after I got out of college. I know that we’re a lot alike. I remember looking at the office down at the shop and how your desk was and how mine was exactly the same. A BIG MESS. (to other people) But we knew where things were. Man I hated you sometimes. You were the worst boss ever. You would leave me alone for weeks and then micromanage the shit out of me out of nowhere. But working for you, I think, made us grow closer then we would have otherwise.
I remember in high school playing my ass off in basketball and just wanting some sort of feed back. And it broke my heart not to see you in the stands. I played because you did. I played because I loved it. I played to get some sort of pat on the back from you.
I buy GMCs because you do. I do a lot of what I do because of you. I don’t try and get mom’s attention and affection because I know that I have it. I never knew that I had yours.
In high school I took a pschology class and we talked about the Oedipus complex. This is when little boys hate their dad and love their moms. This happens with little girls but of course the opposite. I raised my hand and said “I didn’t do this” and Mr. Thomas looked at me and said “Really? why?” And I said “because I don’t remember my dad when I was little.” And this teacher, who worked with my mom, and knew my whole family had to ask “Are your parents divorced?” and I responded. “no, dad just works. As soon as I was born, he had to get to work, he had three kids, and then two more came and he didn’t have time to be with us.”
Being here when you’re leaving to go through all that shit again breaks my heart. Because I remember what happened the first time. I remember that I was there last time. I was in the mix I was in the middle of everything I was a part of it. I got fired. Remember that? And now? Now I’m 8 hours away, getting updates from Facebook and the occasional call from mom. And all I want to do is just hug you. I want to tell you that I know that you’ll make it through all this just like you did last time. I want to tell you that I am not worried. I want to tell you that last time that you went through all of this you looked a little like Yoda. Except 10x taller.
I want to tell you that I love you.
I want to tell you that my life wouldn’t be the same without you.
I want to say thank you for being my dad. For doing all that you did. Good and bad.

There is so much more that I want to say, but I’m a bit emotional at the moment.

Oscar and My Dad's hands

 

Heartburn Pretty Much Ruins Everything

Deciding to blog about nothing is pretty tough. There’s a lot of ideas rolling around in my brain but they never seem to translate on to paper. Or screen as it is. And I know the picture has nothing to do with the title. And the title has nothing to do with what I’m writing but again. It’s my blog deal with it.

So that rose came out of our pretty rose bush out front. Oscar has decided that he now has to bring me in flowers. Thankfully he has a grandma who knows how to cut them. I have gotten a handful of grass as a “flower” and was forced to put it into a “vase” and I use that loosely because it was actually a cleaned out chocolate milk jug from McD’s. Yup we’re class. Don’t tell me you’re white trash and you have a vase. Because we don’t. I also don’t own any curtains. What? You know what else I don’t have? Throw pillows. And I’ve lived with white walls for so freaking long I couldn’t even imagine what color on my walls would look like. I don’t have any decoration in my bathroom. And we have no matching towels. I have a closet full of towels, and most of them are old. I think we have 6 towels that we actually bought ourselves. Yup.

Oscar got a new little play area in the back yard. Jesse actually worked in the yard. It was amazing to see him not playing video games. I kid. I do. Okay maybe I don’t. Barb was the busiest in the yard though. She got all the stuff she wanted done even through bad joint pain. The woman amazes me. Oh and I helped. I DID! I put rocks around the front garden. That was my contribution. I know shocking that I can help out a little.

See all those rocks?? Yup that was ALL me. That’s pretty much the extent of my yard skills. I didn’t want to do anything else, you know show anyone up. So if all goes according to plan we will have uhm veggies in our front yard!

 
 

Typing Quick Before the Kid gets into anything else…

Seriously I haven’t been on the Computer in two days. Because every time I tried Oscar would get into shit. Like right now? Okay a little bit ago, he was in his grandma’s bathroom, elbows deep in the toilet playing with a toy. Awesome! Before that he was in her room messing with god knows what. He said he was “drinking water” but I don’t believe it for a second. At this moment I have no idea what he’s doing. And that scares the crap out of me.

I don’t know what’s up with me but I haven’t been liking being on the net or the computer lately. I think it’s because I’m mad at my Medical Transcription class. They’re total bitches about grading and make me feel like I was never taught how to write a sentence. I have even reread their chapter on grammar 5 times now to figure out what the fuck I’m doing wrong every assignment. I have yet to figure it out. Seems as though they change the rules for EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ASSIGNMENT. So why train at all? If the rules are different for EVERY different transcription what the hell am I doing here?? And the shit that they get me on is REDICULOUS and doesn’t change the structure or meaning of the fucking sentence.

I apologize for all the f bombs. I know I don’t really throw them around that much, but as you can see I’m super angry at the moment. If it wasn’t an online class I would go into someone’s office and punch a bitch right in the face. I swear to God.

Other then that life has been super fantastic. Everyone is home with my parents except me. So I’m throwing myself a pity party here. I’m a saaaddd Randa. We’re supposed to go over to my Aunts for Christmas dinner so that should be interesting fun. Work is going splendidly I got notice that I am now a permanent employee, and my mother already has her delusions of grandeur for me. “You’ll be upper management in no time!” She’s the only mom who would be proud that her daughter is a manager at a W.M. So yeah, I still like going into work, everyone at this one is actually pretty pleasant to work with. So I guess that’s a plus. And paying bills feels really good.

I got a new camera from a super cool Twitter friend, that I can not stop bragging about. It’s been tons of fun taking pictures, and I’ve already sucked a set of batteries dry. Which apparently isn’t hard to do! But hey I’ve got a lot of random picture of Oscar now! YAY! He hates loves the camera.

Anyway I need to get going, I typed this furiously and fast to get it all out there, and now it’s back to chasing and yelling at a kid who doesn’t seem to want to just sit still for just half a freaking second.

 
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Posted by on December 22, 2009 in family, Self esteem, twitter, unicorn farts