My Own Fortress of Solitude

05 Oct

Don’t get me wrong. I love the sound of my boy’s giggle, and squeal as much as the next mom. But sometimes? I just want to be alone.

I saw a quote that said something to the effect of “You can be with someone (or people) and still be alone.” But what happens when you’re with people…and you just want to be alone?

I’m with people all day. Angry people, happy people, broken people, crazy people, normal people. I get tired of it. I just want to be alone now. I just want to stay in my room and not have to listen or talk or feel for a day.

The only way I can try and just be with me and no one else is to put on head phones and ignore the shouts from Oscar and the wrestling that goes on with him and his dad. Most of the time this doesn’t work. But I can try my best to pretend.

My hormones are out of control all of a sudden. I’m blaming it on hearing about “someone” starting their period. Because my body instantly threw me into this haze of anger and emotion right after she mentioned it. It’s like my uterus heard that and said “OH! That’s what I forgot!” So I know why I’m doing all this, but I continue to do it. I continue to make side handed remarks and little jabs at Jesse out of sheer meanness and frustration. I sit here worried about every mistake I’ve made the past month with money and everything else.

If this was a scene in a movie it would have me just sitting here still with blurs of Jesse and Oscar running in and out behind me. They’re playing. And I’m ignoring. I can’t seem to join in with them, I’m an outsider looking and watching the joy and hearing the screams of laughter. While listening and hoping Pandora plays me something to feed my soul and fill the hole that sometimes only a song will fill.

And then it fills that gap…
“Can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars. I could really use a wish right now.”

And I think that maybe it’s an okay thing that I live right by an airport. There’s a lot of wishes up in my night sky.


Posted by on October 5, 2010 in Angry Ranting, Crazy Talk, Uncategorized


3 responses to “My Own Fortress of Solitude

  1. subWOW

    October 5, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    The way you described how music fills the hole inside us? Nicely done. I love the ending paragraph too.

  2. kris

    October 7, 2010 at 11:38 am

    A lot of wishes up in your night sky?

    That’s just lovely.

    I think that moms (me included) feel guilty when we do not want to be with our family every minute of every day. But being a mother is just so very very draining at times. There is so much touching and taking and needing and wanting and . . . taking.

    I end up empty sometimes.

    And just because this feeling happens to be fueled by hormones? Doesn’t mean it’s not real, babe. Just means that feeling has been forced to the front of your consciousness. And that’s OK.

    It is alright to feel like an outsider every once in a while. It is alright to step out and be outside once in a while. To watch as the world moves past you.

    That’s OK.

    My time apart (even if it’s just a half hour) gives me the strength (and the desire) to step back in and be a part of things again.

    Because I love my family. But they take a lot of out of me.

    And sometimes I need to do some taking for myself.

    That’s OK.

  3. Ann

    October 9, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Oh yeah God and I will have a talk about those hormone things he graced us with, I need to address moderation and the need for it. Why, I have often wondered, would he give us the ability to have children, love them so completely, then give us hormones that could at anytime enable us to kill them and celebrate the demise? So the Good Lord and I will talk!


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