Everything is Tomorrow

04 Aug

Last night before I went to bed I said to myself: “Self, you are now 31 years old. Tomorrow is a new day, the first full day of 31, tomorrow is the day of change.”

Today I got our bill for our water/sewer in the mail. It went from $109 last month to $171.
Today I opened what I figured would be Jesse’s unemployment check for last week of not working. No, apparently their denying him because according to them he worked.
Today I sit and wonder when the fuck are we going to catch up? When am I going to get a break? What more can I take?
I’m 31 and I’m crying like I’m 13. I’m crying like I can’t handle this. Like I’ve never had to handle money problems before. I’m crying because I got a nice birthday check from my mom today in the mail but it had to go towards rent instead of fun birthday things. I’m crying because I want this to end. I want this to change. But I don’t know how to change it.

I want to stop eating fast food.
I want Oscar to stop eating crap food.
I want to be able to pay my bills ON TIME.
I want to be able to buy shorts and t-shirts and not find out the next day that I shouldn’t have bought all those shorts for $1.50 a piece because we can’t even afford that.

So today was the last day Oscar gets McDonald’s. I told him this. He’s not happy about it.
Today was the last Frappuchino that I get. (It was also the first in about a month).
Today is the day that I sit and write out all these things for people to witness that I want to change.
I’m going to re-start making meals again.
I’m going to take time to figure out how to be a working mom.
I’m going to drink more water, and no more soda.
I’m going to change things.

I have to change.
I don’t want to set myself up to fail. Because that’s what I do.
I want to succeed.
I want to “make it”
I want to DO THIS. Whatever “this” is. I want it.

I can’t keep going the way I’m going. If I do I’m not going to make it.

So here’s the start of my list.
This week, I’m done drinking soda. No more soda.
I’m making a list of good things to eat for breakfast lunch and dinner.
We will not eat fast food this week.

There. So we’ll check back in later this week and see how I’m doing.

While I was complaining and crying on my blog I found out that a girl I knew lost her mom this past weekend. And it puts shit in perspective. My heart breaks for her, even though we weren’t close, we just knew each other. I knew her mom, she was a counselor at our school growing up. I always liked her, she was a wonderful sweet woman. And I would just like to send out my good thoughts and prayers to her and her family.


4 responses to “Everything is Tomorrow

  1. Lindsey

    August 4, 2010 at 8:19 am

    You will do it. Keep on keepin’ on.

  2. Ann Choate

    August 4, 2010 at 9:41 am

    That’s the girl I know! You can do anything you set your mind to, you are powerful and really smart. You know what to do and now are motivated to do it. Look to the the little things that make a big difference. You can live with out the fast food, we did when you were little. You can live a wonderful full life with out a lot of things but not with out the people whom you love and love you so deeply. Go Randa!!! One day at a time – don’t forget to celebrate the small things you do. Love you forever and then one day more. Mom

  3. kris

    August 9, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Awww . . . your mom is all kinds of sweet and correct!

    Celebrate the small things.

    And take small steps.

    And then celebrate those small steps.

    You can change things. A small bit at a time.

    • RandaDawn

      August 10, 2010 at 7:28 pm

      My mom might be the greatest. We’ve talked about either cloning her or renting her out to people who had/have crappy moms.


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