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I’m only posting on Wednesdays now…

I don’t have anything else to say except that I got very good advice from a co-worker.

“just cut your calories down. You can eat whatever you want…just not as much.”

OH MY GOD YOU SIR ARE A GENIUS!!!! I DIDN’T EVER EVEN THINK OF THIS!! YOU SHOULD BE A DOCTOR OR SOMETHING! HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU ARE AMAZING!!

And then I flipped him off and walked away. No, no I didn’t. I just said “yeah, Mark I know…I’m not an idiot.”

Anyway I didn’t lose any weight, but I didn’t gain any. So I guess that’s a good thing. I need to do something to move my body more.

This week? I will be doing more zumba.

 
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Posted by on February 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

The Start of Weigh in Wednesday.

So I figured I better start doing something to hold myself accountable. And like every other blogger that talks about losing weight I have to join in and do something to show that I’m doing something. Not that I did ANYTHING this past week besides come down with a massive cold that knocked me down for three days.

Last Wednesday I did something for the first time ever. I took a picture of my scale. With me on it. I KNOW!

Here’s that picture:

So that right there shows you my weight. I know I’m disgusting. Or beautiful on the inside…whatever. What that says is 244lbs.

Here is today’s picture:

Okay you see that? Yes it blurry. Unlike other bloggers I’m not well paid and I don’t have fancy cameras to take all my pictures. I’m not a photo blogger.
So this picture says: 241. Or 240 like I saw because when I leaned down to take the picture the needle moved. But I swear it was 240 when I was standing upright.

So this is what I did last week.

Absolutly nothing.

No working out…wait…I did try the Zumba before I got the cold of doom.

And I started using a smaller plate at dinner. BUT…last night, I went back for more mashed potatoes. Because I’m weak. I did try to eat slower because “EVERYONE SAYS” that if you eat slower you feel more full. And I bet this is true because I have a friend that in the time it took me to eat a foot long subway sammich she would still be eating just the six inch…and she’s skinny and beautiful…

I don’t get the craze over Zumba. Sure it’s fun, but I’m not crazy about it. It’s a lot of hip shaking movements and a lot of walking back and forth. I will probably try it again, but I like doing Just Dance better. Maybe I’ll split them because Just Dance seems to work my arms more and Zumba works my legs. OH! I could split the screen and get to Wiis!! I’m a genius!  Anyway. I’m still trying to work out this whole working out thing. As soon as my friend from work is back up and running from her cold of death we should be on track to doing something productive.

 
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Posted by on February 9, 2011 in Wednesday Weigh In

 

Heavy

I have been watching A&E’s new show Heavy which is, to me, like intervention but for people with weight issues.

It makes me cry every time. I would love so much for someone to come into my life and say “Miranda, come to this retreat for a month, where we will have two trainers for you to work out with, and a nutritionist to show you what to eat and how you eat it.” “And then? We’re going to send you home and in 5 months we’re going to give you a personal trainer and all the tools to keep losing weight.”

I do not have the amount of weight to lose like these people. I never catch how tall these people are but they out weigh me by 100lbs at least. But me?

I outweigh myself by at least 100lbs. Now don’t tell me I’m wrong. My senior year of college I weighed 140lbs. Today, I weigh 245.

I keep talking and talking about the weight and that I’m sick of it. I’m sick of myself. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate my pictures. I can’t stand the over hang that is happening. It makes me cry. It makes me hate that I used to be healthy and I was never happy with myself then and took it for granted. I never once thought that I would be this big.

I’m changing. On my own, I’m doing something about this.
Without a trainer.
Without the fancy resort.
I’m doing this now.

I hate working out. I HATE IT. I don’t like to lift weights. I don’t like to walk on a tredmill. And DON’T even tell me to start running. You can suck it and go straight to hell. I will never be a marathon runner.
I’m sucking it up and trying new things…
I’m doing some dancing.
I’ve talked a friend into letting me sneak on the base and go swimming.
My portion sizes are going down.

I’m looking at these people who have more weight than me to lose and instead of looking in the mirror and saying “I could never do that.” I’m finally saying…

I’m going to reclaim my body.

It’s mine, and it’s going to be healthy again.

I am going to do this.

 
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Posted by on February 1, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

The Purpose Driven Life Day 4: Made to Last Forever

The thing that I have the hardest time with is death. I get antsy thinking about it. My palms sweat and I can feel my heart start to beat faster. Because sure I know that there has to be something after this life but WHAT?! I HATE the unknown. I hate suspenseful movies for this. I fast forward through them to find out what happens. I read the end of books to find out if the main character makes it. I have to. Death bugs me for this reason. I don’t know EXACTLY what is going to happen when I die. And no matter how much “faith” I have in God or Religion isn’t going to stop me from wondering this and being apprehensive about it. It’s not even a comfort to know that your soul goes on forever after this. Because what do you do? Do you just hang out? NO ONE KNOWS! You can’t tell me that this guy writing this book knows definitively what goes on after we leave this world. And if this life is just a precursor to a much better place then why place so much importance on getting ahead in this life? Why not just be content on where you’re at? And why if we leave this earth and move on to a different plane would it matter what we did here? If everything starts over, why not a clean slate? We don’t take our bodies with us, so I won’t be fat in heaven right? OR WILL I?!

“This world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever.” 1 John 2:17(NLT)

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

The Purpose Driven Life Day 3

What Drives Your Life?

Everyone in life is driven by something…a problem, a pressure, or a deadline. You can be driven by a painful memory, a haunting fear, or an unconscious belief.

Five most common “driving forces”:
Guilt
Resentment and Anger
Fear
Materialism
Need for Approval

Just looking at this list I can say that I am pretty much driven by all of them to some degree. I like to say that I’m not materialistic, but I can’t. I am very materialistic. I get jealous of people that have better nicer things then I do, and I always think that EVERYONE has nicer, newer things then I do. Even though I am sitting here typing on a brand new computer I know that someone that I know has something better and bigger.

Guilt: “Guilt-driven people are manipulated by memories. They allow their past to control their future. They often unconsciously punish themselves by sabotaging their own success.”
Wow. And yes. Guilty of being guilt driven. I LIVE in my past. All I do is “remember when” and go through my day saying: “If only I would have done this.” “I should have done this, instead of that.” and so on.
I definitely will keep this in mind from now on: “We are products of our past but we do not have to be prisoners of it.”

Resentment and Anger: Just recently I became very angry about something and I wrote it all out in a post and then you know what…I held on to it for the next day and then decided something. I can’t do anything about it. And I let it go. I am getting better at this. I’m getting better at not bottling things up inside. I rarely blow up about things unless I have bottled it up for so long. It’s hard for me because I think it is an inherited trait to hold things and internalize everything but I am trying.

Fear: I’m not so sure about this one by the definition it doesn’t sound like something that I do. I’m not too afraid of the unknown. I’m pretty open to new situations and try to keep myself that way.

Materialism: Like I said before I try really hard not to be like this. The way that I look at it, is that people are killing their selves to have the best and the biggest and I think about it and they probably have outrageous debt and here we are killing ourselves with our debt that I would imagine is only maybe half of other people’s. Even though it is huge for us because we have such a little income. I am happy with what we have. I don’t need to fill our house with endless crap and items, it is hard working at my job though and seeing so many things that “I WANT I WANT I WANT” but then having to tell myself… “we don’t need it.” Materials do not make you happy. I know this.

Need for Approval: this one if you know me…is a no brainer. I am the queen of need for approval. “Being controlled by the opinions of others is a guaranteed way to miss God’s purposes for your life.”

 

Okay so my problem with the rest of the chapter is that he just keeps repeating: “knowing your purpose gives you meaning to your life.” He just says it different ways. BUT he doesn’t explain that. Yeah I get it…I need a purpose and without that I’m not driven to live life the way that God wants me to. But repeating this over and over and in different ways doesn’t SHOW me how to figure this all out. I get it. Without God, life has no purpose, and without purpose, life has no meaning. Without meaning, life has no significance or hope.

I at times feel like there is no hope. There’s no point. But you know what? I get over it, I move on and look at little things and I look at Oscar and say: “there’s my point…to get him through life.” I know that I have a reason to be here. I just want to know what it is already.

Another problem I have with all this is that if God already KNOWS everything then why would he question us when we get to heaven? Why would we have a “final exam” as the author says when we get to heaven…wouldn’t God already know what we did with our lives? And he would already know what we were going to say so why waste his eternal time? Can you imagine God’s day? Asking EVERY SINGLE PERSON that goes up to heaven? And what about babies?? It makes no sense to me.

 

 
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Posted by on January 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Since I Hate Confontations.

Confrontations and I do not go well. So when someone says on Facebook

“OK so before i post this statues i just want to ask my family to be as understanding as possible…”(I’ve moved back in with a douche bag asshole who mentally abuses me and made me at one point in time cry out for help because I wanted to kill myself…)(my words) “Please call me if you have anything to say and i will gladly talk to you. i don’t mind hearing your opinions just remember that they are your opinions, not mine.”

I cannot pick up the phone. When she first went back to him, I picked up my laptop and do what I think I do best. Write a letter. And I never got a response. I kind of expected that. But no response. And then I know that I’m not her “immediate family” but I think the phone lines go both ways and to post on FACEBOOK a DISCLAIMER before you post something… Alarm Bells are ringing Willie…I cannot control what I say out loud. I do my best and I bite my toung but this is my place to just say what I want to say. Right here right now.

You are a stupid fucking idiot. I do not, cannot support this decision. It is a stupid decision that will lead to years of heart ache and, quite possibly because this person recently bought a handgun for no REAL REASON…might just maybe lead to an accident. Who’s to say three more months down the road this whole thing that you had your mom over there helping you and your brother won’t happen again? And I’m sure HE is telling you that it was all THEIR idea and you are just weak minded. I saw his posts on your page. I’m not an idiot. I can freaking read. I can see the condensetion DRIPPING with his comments to YOU and your friend…who does nothing but loves you like you were her sister. Comments like this: ”

“I’ve never treated _____ as a burden, and never asked for much in return. I love ____ her bad feelings came from not knowing how to communicate, fear of conflict, and assuming what i would say and think. I’m not perfect and i did the best i could for her. just so everyone knows I truly love and respect her.”

Is it just me? Is it just me or did he just pin the whole thing on her??

I have to get this all out tonight. I’m going to get it all out and let it go. I can’t say anything nice to her about this situation so I’m keeping my mouth shut after this. I’m afraid I might have to get rid of my facebook page though just to keep myself in check. Too much drama that I get into on there. Sure it’s nice to reconnect but I think there are still a couple people out there who live without facebook so I think I can too.

I’m at a loss. Because I think I’ve lost all feelings in regards to this person. We didn’t have a strong bond to begin with because the family is so disconnected. But I do love her because it’s one of those “family” things where I have to love her. I don’t love her decisions. I can’t probably ever like her “other.”

What am I supposed to do? Text her every day and say “I love you” when deep down inside it makes me sick to think about it? That I can’t look at her FB page because I can’t look at his picture because I get a vitriol reaction from it?

I have to get over this. I have to move beyond it because I’m not doing her any good being angry about it. I’m not doing me any good by getting sick over it. And maybe just maybe she’s telling the truth and everything is sunshine and sparkles all the time. And they will get married and have miracle babies and life will be perfect for her.

But maybe it won’t. And that right there? That’s my biggest problem….

 
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Posted by on January 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

You Are Not An Accident

“I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born.” -Isaiah 44:2a (CEV)

One line got me right off the bat with this chapter.

“If there was no God, we would all be “accidents,” the result of astronomical random chance in the universe. You could stop reading this book, because life would have no purpose or meaning or significance.”

Why would life have no meaning if everything was an accident? He also said “There would be no right or wrong, and no hope beyond your brief years here on earth.” Really? I don’t think that’s true. There can still be write or wrong with accidents. Just like there can be morals and laws without religion. Why do we need to look beyond our “brief years here on earth?” why can’t we just live and love our moments that we have and not have to look beyond? Is it because everyone is afraid of dying because no one knows what happens after we’re dead? So we have to think that there is something AFTER this life to comfort us while we’re here? And what if there isn’t anything. Everyone always says “but what if there is?” If there is great. But what if there isn’t? What then? Nothing. We can go on being happy accidents living our short time here on the earth. And how do “they” know this is God’s plan? Who did God tell? How do we know that these people just aren’t crazy people? I mean everyone thought that David Koresh was a psycho right? Except the people who followed him to his death. For all we know he could have been the second coming…or maybe the bible was wrong about everything and the story of Jesus was just that…a story.

Just because I believe that I am an accident isn’t going to automatically make me a deviant. It’s not going to make me think “well this has no real consequence so I should just do it.” I’m apparently doomed because “We discover meaning and purpose ONLY when we make God the reference point of our lives.”

 

(all quotes taken from A Purpose Driven Life)

 
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Posted by on January 10, 2011 in Uncategorized