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Day One: I’m all full of Self Hate.

23 Sep

So it says:

“Something you hate about yourself.”

And I ask just one thing? Because there’s a list. Because I am full of self loathing and hatred and most of the time wonder why people take time out to like me.

I hate that I have no motivation to change. I know and have known for a while that shit in my life needs to change and needs to right now. But yet I do nothing but talk about it. Or type about it as you see here. I talk and think about all the things that need to be changed all the time.
My weight: I need to lose 100lbs seriously.
My constant need to be a people pleaser.
My outlook on life and where it’s going.
I need to change the way I look at the world.

The biggest “something” that I hate is just ME. I really don’t like myself. And probably never have. I can’t look myself in the mirror and say “I like you.” let alone: “I love you.” Because I don’t. I don’t really know how to change this, and I don’t think that doing that everyday is going to help. I can tell why people like me at times…but it doesn’t make me like me. Most of the time I just don’t think I’m all that worth it in the long run.

I’m not saying all of this to get the “You’re worth it” comments. I’m just saying what’s in my brain. And what flows out of it on to this computer. I don’t need convincing arguments to let me know that I am worth my own love. I’m just saying it’s not going to happen. The whole internal struggle thing. God I’m depressing.

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2 Comments

Posted by on September 23, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

2 responses to “Day One: I’m all full of Self Hate.

  1. Katie

    September 23, 2010 at 7:57 am

    this post so makes me sad … you have written what I have felt in the past Randa. Seriously find Christ and live for him and no else and you will see a difference! Will you just believe your sister just once? Maybe your passion needs to be finding Jesus in every little thing around you? Just a suggestion, you don’t have to take it! Love you always and no matter what!

     
  2. Ann

    September 27, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    It is so hard to combat the ugly stuff all the time. So you give in and you have an outlet. My BIGGEST worry is — well you know what it is. What would I do without my Randa?? Life would not be as it is or as it was. I take that heart that you know you are loved beyond all sense, good or bad. The peace of Christ helps too, I am with Katie. She has Jesus in her heart every time she takes his Name in vain. I love my kids!! AALL of them. (Snicker!!!)

     

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