I have a co-worker who is a volunteer EMT nurse.
Today I had chest pains at work, and I was short of breath. This isn’t a new thing for me. It happened yesterday and it’s happened before. I just don’t mention it because I don’t like to be a whiner and I don’t like to have people worry. Because to me it either feels like an anxiety attack. Or sometimes it feels like indegestion. I don’t want to go to the ER and have them say “Oh it’s just indigestion, you’re fat, stop eating.” So I don’t say anything.
Usually.
Today I said something. And I got visited by 10. Swear to God 10. EMTs. Apparently it was slow and they had nothing to do. I got a free EGC. I got told to go to the ER. Because something happened. Not today. But at sometime something happened to my heart, the EMT said that it looked like something had happened but he couldn’t tell. And that I should go get blood work and an EKG and that they were worried that if I didn’t and that if I went back to work I would drop dead. I shouldn’t say that. Because it just didn’t seem like that dramatic. They really wanted to put me on the stretcher and take me in the ambulance. But I wouldn’t let them. I can’t do that. I don’t care, unless I’m unresponsive I won’t take an ambulance to the hospital. I already owe the damn hospital 6 grand. And I know it’s my health.
What it comes down to is I have to do something. I have to somehow change. I wish that this was my wake up call and I just all of a sudden change my life around and turn into a long distance runner. And loose 100lbs in a year. But that’s not going to happen. How am I supposed to go for walks after work when I can barely stay standing at work because my feet hurt so bad. Even with the amazing insoles that I have now my feet still are unbearable by the end of a shift. I’ve already stopped drinking soda. I’ve stopped replacing it with sweet tea. I’ve cut down my portions. I haven’t seen a change. I’m going to get a pedometer to show people how much walking I do during my shifts. I jog around the damn store. People see me doing this. I have to do this to get around quicker because usually when I have to do a price check its at the other end of the damn store. Have you been to a Walmart lately?! THEY’RE HUGE! So why does nothing change? I don’t eat candy. I don’t eat cake. I don’t eat fast food every day. Actually I haven’t had fast food in a couple weeks or more now.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t just start seeing a doctor. I can make an appointment with the community health care clinic and hope to get in before the pain magically stops or before I have to make a trip to the ER. But I know what they’re going to say. They’re going to say: “You’re 100lbs over weight.” “You’re stressed out and possibly have anxiety issues.” I know all of this. So why pay someone to tell me this. When they can’t fix it. They can’t fix my weight problems, unless I can get emergency liposuction. They can only prescribe pills that I can’t afford for the anxiety. So why go when I already know what’s going to happen?
So I came home from work and told Jesse and he says “let’s go to the hospital.” I’m the one saying no. Because I know what is going to be said to me. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand going to the ER and sitting and waiting and crying because I know how much it’s going to cost. I don’t cry because it hurts or I’m worried about my health. I cry because I know how much it’s going to cost. And yes I know how much a possible “heart attack” will cost to my body. Ugh.
I know.
I know.
I know.
TheFeministBreeder
Sometimes I Even Amaze Myself 
Melly moo
September 11, 2010 at 9:49 pm
I love you randa! I know that I am the “skinny” sister and I don’t know what I’m talking about but motivating yourself sucks ihate that I know taking 3walks a week would make me feel better and destress and help me lose the extra tube around my middle but I DONT WANT TO. I think that you are doing all the right things but until you really want tochange your body won’t change and you also have to be on top of it 24-7 for a long time before you can see the change and not worry about it constantly! It sucks. But one of these days u will take a look at something or someone and the light will click on and u will change just like that. Because u will know that it is time. I love you my sweet sister! Please don’t die of a heart attack before thanksgiving ok! Ok ok that was awful I apologize! 😉
vd
September 12, 2010 at 7:34 am
Melly hit it spot on. Nothing’s gonna change until YOU want to change. No one is down on your about your weight more than you are. And yet you’ve chosen to not take decisive action on it. I cannot tell you enough how awesomely fantastic a person you are and I’ve chosen my BFF well. I cannot make you love yourself as much we all do. You have to do that. And I wish you would because, as I may have mentioned, you’re fantastically awesome and I dunno what I’d do without you. I think you’re fixated on weight loss as a sign of health and it’s really not true. You can be larger and still be perfectly healthy and happy. I also have an anecdote of sorts. My mother refused to go to the doc for the same reason. They’re just going to tell me I’m fat and I need to lose weight. She took no steps to lose that weight herself and no steps to improve her health in general. She finally got so sick that she was forced to go to the doc. She was told she had diabetes and if she didn’t do anything about it she would die. Straight up. There’d be no seeing the grandkids graduating college or realizing the technicolor dream of her youngest getting married. It seems the motherly folks don’t like to make changes for themselves and I don’t understand it but I’ll play dirty. You know I will. You have a 4 year old son. He’s got years of school activities, sports, parent-teacher meetings, bake sales and crap school plays that you are REQUIRED to attend. Do it for yourself. Do it for him. Do it to avoid the total and utter embarrassment of that scene at work! I take my allergy pills religiously after an incident in the office. Not because I could have stopped breathing but because everyone around me made such a commotion. Really my hope is you figure out what we already know and make a change for yourself because you’re great.
kris
September 12, 2010 at 8:02 am
I do not know you well enough to demand that you make changes.
But what I do know about you?
I adore.
I am not a huggy person at all.
At all.
But oh my goodness, I wish I was there to hug you.
Those last three sentences?
Ugh.
It’s so hard when you know and still . . . can’t.
I know.
Abigail @ Skywaitress
September 12, 2010 at 5:25 pm
Not going to the hospital when I thought something could be seriously wrong because I can’t afford it? Been there. It’s the worst.
I wish something could be done.
I wish I could fix it for you.
::sigh::
fracas
September 13, 2010 at 10:21 am
Hugs.
More Hugs.
Ok, I know what it’s like to be more careful with what you eat and not see a difference. I’m 46, metabolism changes and hormones start going wacky and it makes a difference… so it occurs to me that instead of telling you that you will only change when you really want to, I’m going to ask if you’ve ever had your thyroid checked? ‘Cause weight does affect your heart… and your joints and etc. etc. Maybe there is something other than you to blame? Maybe it’s less expensive to deal with a thryoid problem than a heart problem?
And it might not just be the sugars you’re cutting out… certain carbs can be bad. Maybe you’re eating too much of the wrong carbs? Eating less carbs from stuff like white bread, potatoes and white rice will help, and eating more fibre will also help with weight loss.
And perhaps instead of worrying about paying for pills for anxiety, google for some free meditation mp3’s to deal with anxiety. They do work for some people… I know a couple of people who swear by them… no meds at all.
But in the meanwhile… hugs…. ’cause I know none of us can fix it for you but at least we can let you know we care.