I hate being dramatic.
I always end up feeling really dramatic when it comes to being depressed. I am going to start taking medication again and if I remember to, I’ll get a call in to the community health clinic to talk to someone about all my ailments. I hate doing this because most of the time I feel like a woman with a “weak constitution” and nothing else really. I can’t put my finger on anything that is the matter with me, so I lump it all in with my depression. But what I want to know is why am I depressed now that the weather is getting warmer and nicer? Isn’t that a little backwards? It’s typical for me though, this happens every summer. Why? I have no idea. I’m feeling very lonely. I blame my sister for moving. (that’s totally not true Melly)
I keep telling myself: “I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow.” And then tomorrow shows up and then I never do what I keep telling myself to do.
I wish I had something deep and profound to say.
I read a lot of other blogs from other women who deal with depression and big life issues and they always have something profound to say about it. And here I am, just sitting and not knowing what to type or what to say. I just want to curl up and not talk anymore. Everything is irritating and aggravating and I no longer want to deal with it.
I know that I will get through this. If you want to tell me this you can. I’m giving you permission and I promise I will not roll my eyes at any comment I get. I know that the women in my family are all on some sort of medication for depression so I know we’re all going through something similar. It just doesn’t change the alone feeling.
I do a lot of down playing and pretending that it’s not there, but it is. I do a lot of smiling and a lot of joking but I think that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re depressed. You’re not supposed to let people know that you feel like shit. You’re just supposed to push it down put a smile on your face and go on with your day. And that’s in the end what I’m tired of.