I’m totally copying and not getting started on “the best” right now, because I have other things on my mind. Alright?? Alright.
Here goes…I’m doing a little bit of a twist though because I have journals dating back to 2000 so I’m going to write out a journal entry from each year. hahaha. This should be good…
In the year 2000 I was turning 21, in August. I was a Junior/Senior at Gonzaga University. This was the year that I was to prove myself to the University, because the previous year I had gotten such terrible grades that they tried to get rid of me. Little did they know that I LOVED Gonzaga and was not to be deterred. Moving into senior year in August I had made it through my Junior year with my major in Communications/Public Relations, I ended up going from Cs, Ds, and a couple Fs my Sophomore year to Straight Bs my Junior year. So much changes when you change your major.
Here is a journal entry from my Senior year at GU:
“My senior year has started. I have yet to pay the school tuition. I’m a complete slacker. I don’t want to graduate really. I want to start all over again. P.R. is going to kill me Everyone thinks it’s easy. Oh yeah easy. It’s going to be the death of me. Journalism, now that is easy. I need to find something to eat. I have one more class to go, then I have to fight off the Jehovah Witnesses. Tryin’ to convert me. That’s fine, just don’t try and get my roommates. They don’t want any of it.”
In 2001 I graduated from Gonzaga…so I thought…This was the year of the obsession with a Soccer player…I met him the previous year, and fell in love, out of love and then in love with. This was also the year that I started having sex. I don’t talk about this a lot but it’s in my journal a lot. So I want to warn you a head of time. This is def. TMI from me. This is dated August 4th 2001. I had just turned 22. Keep this in mind…
“So yeah I had sex with …. (Name with held) #5. And it was the most comfortable sex I’ve ever had. Maybe because I’ve wanted it for so long. No idea if I’m going to do it again but he finally has my #. Who knows if he’ll call. I’m not too worried about it though. I’ll probably see him next week at the bar and pretend like we didn’t have sex, three times. It happened on my birthday. Yeah happy b-day to me. I’m still not over it but I’m trying not to like him. NO ATTACHEMENT!!
Katie had her baby July 30th. It was a boy, his name is Noah. So utterly freaking cute. He only weighed 7lbs! So tiny! I’m quitting work too. I’m done with Hastings. I’m going to get a paper tomorrow and start sending out resumes.
I HAD SEX WITH ….!!!!!!!”
So in the year 2002 I moved back to Burns. I was out of options in Spokane and had no where to go. So it was back to Burns and helping my dad at his business because his office manager had just left and well left with a lot of his money we found out later that year…This was when I was “diagnosed with depression”
“8-12-2002: Well Dad’s cancer has spread to his bones. He starts chemo on the 27th. So weird to think that my dad might die. The kind of cancer that he has usually kills with in a year to a year and half. But they caught it before it got to his blog. And they can keep it under control with chemo. I don’t know if he can get rid of it though. So I think I’ll be in Burns for a while. I’m worried that Dad’s gonna die. I don’t want him to. Sure I hate him some days but I want him around to be mad at. He’s supposed to be around just in case I have kids. Maybe I should just get pregnant. HAHAH. No. So I don’t know how long I’ll be here now. I wish I could leave. sometimes I want to be separate from all this SHITE. I could handle it better. Anyway I’m missing my friends more and more. I write to Tanya everyday and talk to Veronica all the time. But I want someone to hang out with. Felicia is cool but she’s not all that fun. I mean I like her but it’s just not good enough. I need more..substance. I need a boy to entertain me for the night. If only. I wish I had money. Then I’d become a Burns Bar Whore. RIGHT! I’m thinking of starting a book. A story about how I wish high school was like. Not like the TV shows show high school. Just normal. Keeping my fingers crossed that I get out of here by winter!
2003 was when I met Jesse. I was STILL in Burns, and getting fatter by the minute. I didn’t write anything in my journal about the drama that happened with my dad and his bone marrow transplant or the fact that my asshole brother in law fired me and tried to take my dad’s business out from under him. I talked mostly about sex. huh. I also got pregnant for the first time in 2002. I met Jesse in May. Started working at a gas station. Fell in love. Got pregnant, lost a baby, and moved in with a guy. whew what a busy year. The thing about my journaling is that I for some reason don’t document things that I tend to keep with me in my mind. I didn’t write anything about my miscarriage. But I still remember it. So here’s an entry from July. We’d been together since May…
“You know since I’ve started seeing Jesse we’ve only not seen each other maybe 5 days. I at least seen him once a day. It’s so weird to have a guy to hang out with and make out with then have sex with. I’m really liking it and not all that scared I’m gonna lose it. 2 months. That’s amazing. Seriously. I don’t even know what to say about it. What if I’m falling in love with him? What do I do about that? I like being happy again. I still wish V was here though. I like that he doesn’t mention anything about me being fat. And he called me beautiful. I like when he spends the night. He’s the first guy that I can actually fall asleep with. I like when he says he doesn’t want to go to work. It’s all a bunch of little things. But I get “the special tingle” from him. I like his smile and his eyes. I like that he’s the perfect height for me. I like that I don’t feel huge around him. I like that I can’t get enough of him.”
2004: Jesse and I were living together since Oct after I lost the baby. We were both hating Burns and took a trip up to Spokane to visit. We decided that we wanted to move there, so in July we did. Here’s a little something from June:
“Our moving day keeps getting closer. We’re hoping for July now. You know what else I love. He leaves me alone when I need to be and he cuddles at all the right times. How can two people be together for a year and not have one fight? We’re a no drama couple. And other guys have no effect anymore. I’m tired of not having days off together. That’s what I’m looking forward to. Getting to spend all night drinking with him. It was so much fun when we went to Spokane. We drank then….(edited, I really don’t want to talk about this with all you…past exploits sure…but Jesse’s off limits)
God I hope we can move. I want to leave right now. You know…He told me one day “Don’t stay here for me. If you have to go…go.” Right then I knew I could never leave him. The thought of having to be without him kills me. Then he told me the other week. ‘I am so glad you didn’t leave when I said that.’ and I told him ‘I stayed because I knew I loved you. Right when you said that.’ (dude, are you barfing…I am.) At least I didn’t jinx this one. Couldn’t even sabotage myself like I usually do.
2005: I’m a little foggy on 2005, I’m trying to remember where the heck we were. I think we were living in a house with two other people. Bad mistake. But a learning experiance. This was the year I got pregnant with Oscar. I started my blog on MSN in December and for some reason have no other journals for that year. I think I went through three jobs that year. Started out at Hastings moved on to Cingular Customer Service and ended the year at Lamar. So here is a blog entry from my blog:
“Nothing brightens the day like a prank call at work. I swear to god the guy sounded like he was doing something that shouldn’t be heard over the phone. But what I want to know is what good does that do the person on the other end of the line? its not like i can see him jacking off to be offended by that and then what happens? i say hello once hear some groaning and hang up. offending is over. but! if it were in person then i would see it and be even more offended. come down memory lane with me. i was working a terrible job at 7 am…walking four blocks in winter to get there over ice and snow excet…i had my big huge face to knee covering jacket on…I’m in the parking lot of the building that i work at and i hear a car behind me…no big deal i just think he’s driving by to get a parking spot…well it keeps following me so i scoot over more and then the car gets beside me. and i see the weirdest/grossest/confounding thing ever. some guy WHACKIN IT learing at me! and i had no where to go!! so i just turned my head and walked faster and then thankfully there were people buy the door so the guy drove off. my thing was i was too embarrassed to tell the security guy about it plus what was he gonna do? i didn’t get a license number i just know it was a big red Cadillac…and the guy was really really pasty. so i go inside and talk to the old ladies i work with and tell them what happened…and their advise? “did you ask if you could give him a hand?” “NO! if i had a rock i would have helped it right to his skull.” what gets a guy more heated to jack off then seeing a woman in a ski jacket covering her whole body? that guy has some imagination. i used to work at that place until 7 pm and never had anything happen to me before. so why does the shit have to happen at 7 am? that guy gets busy early! Anyway that whole 10 second call compelled me to write a blog today. so thank you whacker guy!”
So 2006 brought our Oscar boy into our lives. I was at Lamar, still, but barely. Pregnancy kicked my ass, and not in a whiny way. I was sick for almost the whole time. Plus at the same time there was another girl in the office that was pregnant before me and had the easiest pregnancy in the world, and I felt at times that everyone was looking at me thinking “I think she’s faking” God how I wished I had an easy pregnancy. But then I probably would have ended up with five kids by now. Okay, here goes:
7-2-06 Pregnant. 7 months…32 weeks. He’s a boy and a busy boy. Working at Lamar. I like my job still, I don’t like the pay so much, a little low. In the past year I have quit Hastings, quit West, and we’ve moved and we’re moving again hopefully with in a week or two. I got pregnant around December. We’re naming him Oscar Samuel. I am so happy that he made it this far. I was scared to death that I would lose him too. Jesse is still the most wonderful man in the world. (puke hehe) I honestly don’t know what I would do with out him. I can’t believe it has been 3 years. We haven’t had any fights. Rough times yes, but not with each other.
2007 Brought about two or three moves, and then end of me working for a while. This is where it gets really foggy. Here is a blog post from Feb. of 07:
I have been told that I’ve changed since I’ve had a baby. I don’t deny this. I’m just trying to figure out if its a bad thing. I started thinking about it and wonder if I could have just stayed the same way I was in college forever. I don’t honestly think that was possible. Its a nice thought but not plausible not by a long shot.
Wait Im back for the moment…he’s being entertained for the moment in his saucer. not for long though, he’s going to look up and see that I am typing and get back to wanting to be with me, on me and playing on the computer too. What a wonderful boy I have.
2008 My sister moved to Spokane, we all moved in together and it was the start of another poor decision that should have been thought out better. But I did make some really good friends with our neighbors and loved our neighborhood as I have stated time and time before. We got to go to San Diego and visit my best friend and go to all the sites, it was awesome! I love S.D. and would love to live there. ahhh dreams. Here’s a post from my old blog…
I didn’t sleep so well after 3 last night. I should go take a nap with the boys but I don’t really feel like sleeping for some reason either.
I have a confession to make here. Hi my name is Miranda and I am a Mariah Carey fan. Yes, yes I am, some of you all ready know this and hate this but its true. I used to have all her cds but they got stolen. So now I just have her newer cds. I’m slowly getting the old ones back. I had an old friend when I was like in 4th grade or so that showed me Mariah and I loved her instantly. Then my cousin and I used to sing all her songs off key and loud. Now with her new CD she’s beat Elvis for number ones. and I say TAKE THAT ELVIS! So I tourtured Jesse on the way back from Best Buy yesterday and made him listen to the CD. The only one I didn’t get was Glitter. I didn’t watch the movie because I didn’t want her poor preformance to kill my love for her. I’m not all crazy and writing her letters and I’m not a part of her fan club but I do know most all of her songs, and when American Idol had the contestant sing all her songs, I was disappointed with most of them. Except the girl that sang Vision of Love. She did a good job. But how do you compare to Mariah?! You can’t. Its impossible.
And now we come to 2009. Break down city, another move. Fights with family and well other things. Oh! And the start of my blog “But I’m Not Wearing Underwear!” Which I still work on. Because I don’t know if I want to switch to this one yet or not. Anyway I don’t remember all what happened this past year. I got fatter, sadder, and then pulled myself out of the brink. Here was the very first post I made that year:
Yes I suffer from depression, I’m on meds and I’m going to a counselor. Is it helping, I would like to think so at times but right at this moment its not. My depression is severe and completely in my head, I really don’t have much in my life to trigger this I’m just this way. If I think back in time I think I’ve always been depressed and just pushed it aside or was too busy to think about it much. My life now is too boring not to think and wallow in it now that all I do is sit at home with my two year old. Oh I do get out once in a while to go and coach basketball which I LOVE. But really I think right now that’s the only joy I get. I know that stress in my life contributes to this dramatically which is why I try to get away from stressfull situations but I think at times I create them as well. I have been seeing my counselor for about a month now, going once a week and it is getting me somewhere, but mostly its just making me realize what a pathetic person I am, and how negative I am and its not helping me yet get out of this. I have also come to realize that I get fired from my jobs or in trouble from ALL my jobs the same exact way. I get lazy and then I get in trouble. I was up until this last week taking care of my sisters kids, no too hard right? You would think, but no now I have been replaced, I even get fired from my sister. She’s telling me because I’m too stressed and her kids make me more stressed so she wants to help me out, but really she’s just hurting my feelings. And she said “I’ll get them in daycare in two weeks or so” but already she’s phasing me out. This happens a lot to me. I get the “oh well we’ll do this, and then its nope get out now!” Her kids actually kind of distract from all of my thinking problems. Now with just my boy here all I do is sit and think about what I do wrong in life.
I didn’t “graduate” from college
I can’t get a job
I can’t take care of kids
I’m lazy and I can’t clean
I’m not creative enough for anyone
I’m a horible friend
I know I’m supposed to write down good things about myself but where are they? Why can’t I find anything good about myself? I just end up feeling shitty and crying all the time.
I’ll give you a preview, my whole week will be like this until I go see my counselor and then I’ll be good for two or three days but then my brain will just switch back to this nonsence.
Oh and I’m putting this down here too, just to see what happens…
Current weight this week. 232 lbs.
I have started on my way to losing weight, all on my own…I know terrible I’m not on Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. No dieting really, I’m just not eating as much. So we’ll start at that weight up there, that’s my starting line. I will tell you that 6 months ago I was around 245, So I’m doing alright that way I guess.
The reason I started this blog on here was because no one in my life knows about this blog, so I will be free to write whatever I want to with out being afraid of hurting someone I know. I need a place that I can send out all my bad thoughts and feelings out and get them out of my body and maybe that might help me heal a little bit. I’m going to try and not use names or anything like that but I might. If you know me and if I offend you in anyway I’m sorry.”