So a quick update on the Dad situation. He didn’t call the doctor yesterday. I talked to my brother and he said this “The cancer never went away.” Uhm okay I’m not listening to him but drawing my own conclusion. The way dad’s cancer works is that it went dormant and stopped forming tumors, but apparently it still dissolves bones. This is why dad has to get Zomeda which is a bone strengthener. And apparently his cancer has started to dissolve his ribs and according to my brother it has completely taken one rib out. (I will wait to hear from my mom to take this as fact) So today I’m researching and I will be most likely making a huge involved confused blog about it later.
So I know that I’ve been over this, and over this. But I am not happy with my body. I don’t know if I’ve ever been happy with it. I think I was a little apathetic towards it until after college. And then I started hating it. I remember it was right after college when I saw my first stretch mark. My body didn’t couldn’t wait until I had kids to give me these scars. And I really don’t like when people just blame stretch marks on childbearing. I also hate that people blame weight gain on having kids. I lost 20 lbs during the first five months of my pregnancy and only gained those 20lbs back in the last four months. Then when I went in for a check up two weeks after I had my boy I found that I lost 30lbs. I was ecstatic. And then in the year following I gained 50lbs. The heaviest I’ve been is 250lbs. I’m 5’9″. So 250 to me is different then 250 for someone say a normal 5’5″ but it’s still fat. People didn’t know I was THAT fat, just big, and everyone in my life is too nice to me to say “dude, you need to do something.”
I know in my head and heart that I need to do something about my weight. I just have a hard time finding the motivation in myself in my own heart and head to DO something about it. I know at one point I’m going to hit a breaking point and just say “that is it” and have my own little “Today Show” moment and lose 100lbs but I want to know when. I want to know when I’ll actually hit bottom with this problem. Sometimes and this is probably going to sound sick but I want Jesse to tell me he doesn’t think I’m attractive anymore. I wonder if that might jump start something, because all this self loathing isn’t working.
I also wonder that if I had money to get a personal trainer if that would work for me. I think I do need outside motivation to do this. Because personally I don’t care. I’m not in the public, I avoid it, and when I do go out I dress as nondescript at possible.
I would like to say though, without people saying back to me “nooo that’s not true” that I feel in my own impression that I am not cute as a fat girl. There are many women that are “large women” that I thing are ADORABLE. But myself? No I’m not I have a potato face and and ugly set up to a body. Not that I was a super model when I was skinny, but hey I got ass when I was. I look at old pictures and wonder why I didn’t use it to my advantage sooner. Or why I didn’t keep it. Why did I let myself get like this? What happened? What in my brain broke and made me stop doing anything to keep in shape?
All of this comes down to the fact that my friend is coming to visit in February and we have plans to “relive our 20s” and to do that, I need to be a lot lighter. Because I was 135lbs in my 20s. And now at this moment I am 240lbs. Can you do math, because I can. I know it is totally unrealistic for me to lose 105lbs in 4 months but I do want to do something. For some reason when I try to work out or ‘eat less’ it lasts for three days and then I’m right back to the eating huge portions and eating all day and sitting on my ass.
So tell me life planners out there how do I motivate myself? How does a person who has no money to join a gym or buy a Wii or ABSOLUTELY no will to “jog” to get into shape? Or just get less fat??