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Update…trying TRYING to see the postives

04 Oct

So our LOVELY rental agent lied to us. She said it was a three+ bedroom house, meaning three bedrooms in the house with an additional “room” off the back of the attached garaged. No, she lied. Its two bedrooms, with an additional room off the back of the garage. So I have lost my office space. We went over and painted yesterday. We thought that there would be power to the place since they have to clean it and all still. No no power. So no entertaining Oscar while we worked. I heard a lot of “I wanna go home!” I don’t want to hear anymore of it. So Jesse went today to finish up since, and I quote “You did such a good job yesterday.” Does that sound like he’s patronizing me? Because I feel patronized…I’m just not sure. Apparently I have fooled him into believing I can’t do anything until yesterday when I painted both bedrooms, hallway, and living room, plus all the baseboards in the house. What did he do? He put protective plastic down on the floor…apparently that is a very hard job. (insert sarcastic emoticon here) So. It’s a much smaller house, but the kitchen is bigger then this one here. There’s a WORKING fireplace, just in case we don’t want to pay for gas heat this winter, which I am all for. (insert shaking fist at Avista Utilities here) Uhm what else. OH! There’s a really nice park just down the block, with a skate park, so I can practice my moooves on my long board. HA HAHA HAHAHA. Oscar really liked it though. There’s a school on the other end of the park so if IF we are still in the neighborhood when Oscar goes to school its right there for him. The thing is…there’s a school here in this neighborhood the same distance away…whatever. I’m nitpicking now. Uhm Oh it will only take Barb 3 minutes to get to work, which is nice, and probably only a half a gallon of gas instead of a quarter of a tank. So until she gets her car up here, which might someday happen, she can take it easy on our gas gage.
I’m not feeling any better about the move. I’m just getting better at pushing the emotions aside to get shit done. I could still burst into tears at any moment. This is what I don’t like about me and depression. I’ll back track a bit. When I was going to counseling, at first, I cried every session. After about a month or so I had a handle on things and wasn’t breaking down at every second, thanks in large part to my prescription, and a small part on my counselor telling me not to take everything to heart and showing me coping skills. Anyway so I had to at one time see another counselor who told me “you’re very happy for being depressed.” Which makes me wonder what people think about depression. I mean if a “professional” thinks that just because I’m not bawling hysterically I’m not depressed what do normal people thing. Just because I can cope and push aside certain things one day doesn’t mean that I’m not depressed. My valleys are really low when I get in them and they take me a bit to get out of them, a lot of self talk and a lot of thinking, but I can get out of them. It does take help from meds most of the time. And then when I get out of them I stay out for a while, until like recently, stressful situations hit me and hit hard. I just wish people wouldn’t think that just because one day I paint a house with no problem or I’m smiling doesn’t mean that I’m not feeling like shit on the inside. I’m pretty damn good at masking my feelings, I’ve done it my whole life. Because if I’m honest with myself, I’ve been depressed since high school. I just never let people know. And it wasn’t difficult for me to hide it until I couldn’t control it due to certain circumstances. Anyway I have learned that depression is tricky, and you don’t get “over it” really ever. It’s something that I have to cope with and control probably my whole life. And hopefully like the last time I was on the medicine I can wean myself off of them again.
Thanks for the helpful comments. I do appreciate them. And yes I have read “Eat, Pray, Love” and I enjoyed it.
And now I’m going to go and find some tea, because I somehow got a cold from somewhere, even though I haven’t left my house in a week or so. (well before yesterday)
OH! Crap, no I have to tell you. PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING!!!!!!!
So painting…they haven’t gotten in to clean the house yet, and they’re doing that after we paint, but HOLY CRAP. Is it just me or does no one else clean up rentals before they leave them. EVERY place we’ve ever rented has been trashed before we get in, and they have to spend like a week cleaning it. These people didn’t EVER clean. When I see dirt on doors in my house, visible dirt, I clean it off. When there is VISIBLE dirt and food on the walls, I clean them. I’m not a psycho cleaner, I’m just not a pig. The people that lived in the house, must have NEVER EVER cleaned the whole time they were there. It was so gross, and apparently they had a cat or something because there was animal hair all along the baseboards. And I know I KNOW this is probably terrible, but I didn’t clean them before I painted, I just painted them…terrible. Oh and the master bathroom’s door was so gross it was yellowing. Who lives like that?!?! Oh and then I made the mistake of opening up the refrigerator. Holy crap I almost died. So freaking nasty. Ugh, I don’t get it.
Okay now I’m off to herbally medicate myself.

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Posted by on October 4, 2009 in Depression, moving, sick

 

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