The Bitchiness Hides the Sadness

02 Oct

We moved to Spokane about 5 years ago. We moved from place to place every year, or every six months depending. Our first place here was in a one bedroom apartment across the street from the biggest hospital in the area. It was a quaint little apartment and I liked it well enough. I didn’t like that my car was broken into every other week. After I think a year of living there, or maybe less I don’t remember we decided to save on rent and move in with some “friends.” Well they were co-workers really. This lasted a year. In that time I got pregnant and we realized that we could not live with these people. We also lived in a neighborhood called “felony flats” and decided that we didn’t like that very much anymore. Plus we were a little scared for our safety considering that two houses next to ours had recently burned down. I always though ours would be next. So after a short stay with my aunt and uncle that proved to be very enlightening, but helpful after my pregnancy we found ourselves renting at a low income apartment complex. It was nice enough, the neighbors didn’t bug us, it was do-able. Okay it was small…two bedrooms wasn’t enough space. So when the apartment next to us opened up we asked if we could just jump over to that one. So we upgraded to a three bedroom “town-house” which was all good. Rent was a little steep even for “rent controlled” complex, but again do-able. Then my sister decided to move to Spokane. And wouldn’t it be great and help us all out if we all moved in together………..we didn’t learn our lesson the first time. BUT! With this move we had found it. The good house, big back yard, school a block away, WONDERFUL neighbors! I am in love with this place. I don’t want to ever leave it. I want to buy this house warts and all and grow old in it. After 5 long years we found a place we belong. I haven’t made many new friends since college. I just don’t like to. I don’t make friends easily and I seem to lose contact quickly and not care much. Unless they have had a certain impact on me will I want to keep them around. I didn’t really get along with our across the street neighbor until after my sister moved out. I don’t know why, but that’s how it went. And now we’re good friends, she’s good to talk to, she knows where I’m coming from with my crazy outbursts because she’s a stay at home mom too. She’s a little more nuts then I because she has 3 boys, not just one. But I like her, and her husband and Jesse get a long really well. Jesse doesn’t have friends here, and I like that he has a buddy that he can hang out with on occasion.
Since my sister moved out we haven’t been able to afford the rent. We’ve been drowning and slowly dying in this house and this wonderful neighborhood. Jesse’s mom moved in. And although she has a job now, she and Jesse have it in their heads that “we” cannot afford the rent. And it’s not in my place to say otherwise because I do not bring in any income…I figured out that we could afford 650 if Barb would pay 400, but alas, no I have been shot down. So next week we start packing again to move. I want to stamp my foot and yell and scream and cry and say “NO I WILL NOT GO!” But instead I’ll cry silently, and try not to be such a huge bitch to everyone around me. I will get back on my antidepressants, with the help of a doctor friend, since I don’t have my insurance anymore and I will shut up and go along with it. And even though I feel like I’ve been pushed aside I will just go along because that’s what I do. I go along with whatever anyone else tells me to. I am not a strong proud woman. I am a coward.
I can’t tell Jesse that all of a sudden I hate his mom, and that she annoys the crap out of me. I can’t because I don’t know if it’s true of if it’s my broken brain telling me I hate her. Because a month ago I was ready to keep her and get rid of Jesse and now…Now I can’t stand her voice. I can’t stand her chip on her shoulder about EVERYTHING. I can’t stand that I feel like she’s taking my place and the only thing that I have left to do here is have sex with Jesse and take care of Oscar just a little while during the day. I can’t tell him that I want to leave. I want to go away and not come back and if he would say to me “well you can’t take Oscar” I would say “I don’t care.” How terrible and sick is my brain to not care?! I just want to be by myself.
In the 6 years that we’ve been together we have lived on our own for only 2. And in those four years all I ever heard was “I can’t wait to be on our own.” And now?! He has yet to say those words. No…with his mom its “You can stay as long as you want.” And now it’s me that is saying “why can’t we be on our own?!” “Why can’t it just be us?” Are we that bad off that we can’t be around each other anymore? On our own?
I don’t even know where to start, so don’t tell me that I need to talk to him. I’ve heard it. I know it. I just don’t know where to start and I don’t know how to approach him with out being a total and complete bitch to him. That’s what I really want to do, I want to make him hate me. I don’t think I’m meant to be around people for extended periods of time. Which really REALLY worries me once we move into the new place. Its smaller. And Jesse’s mom is going to have a new shift at work that enables her to be home ALL DAY LONG. I LOVE my days with just me and Oscar. It messes with me every time Jesse has a day off.
So today when we found out that we could move into the new house, which will lower the rent $200 for us, I was not excited. I was not happy. And when Jesse’s mom said to me “Isn’t it great that we get to go see it! Isn’t it exciting.” All I could do was grit my teeth and say “yeah great!” Its not great. I’m not excited. I’m pissed. And I’m going to be pissed for a while.
So there.

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Posted by on October 2, 2009 in Depression


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