Herbal Uppers

08 Sep

First I have to say because you don’t know this, but my keyboard is super loud. And I hate it, but I had to put the laptop up on a shelf to get it eye level because it was killing my neck to look down at it all the time, so I have a usb keyboard that I’m using and I HATE IT! The keys stick, and its, again, loud. Whew…okay got that out of the way.
I’m feeling super PMSy with out the show, I guess that’s the P in the MS…correct? Yes! Okay so I really wanted to throw the phone today even though I knew KNEW Leslie was joking when she was talking to me. All my emotions are all out of whack, I keep crying at commercials. So I talked to my oldest sister and I was telling her about not being able to concentrate and feeling like my depression was coming back with a vengeance and no I can not go to a doctor because I no longer have health care thank you very much…I can’t stand this keyboard…I don’t care about neck pain at the moment….ahhhh that’s better, I rearranged and go the lappy down.
Anyway! Back to the lecture at hand. So I’m talking to my sister and she tells me that she got some herbal pills from her chiropractor to help her ween off of her anti-depressants, but she didn’t do it so she has these pills and says “hey I’ll send them up to see if they work for you!” I got them this afternoon, and we’ll see how they help. I have no motivation. none. Don’t want to do it. Every time I get on the computer all I do is get sucked into Facebook. You know, I scoffed when I heard a friend deleted her FB account because she was spending “too much time” This was me: “scoff! too much time?! just quit going on it so much, you don’t have to delete it completely” I believe now that you do. I wish I had her email addy so I could say “I am with you sister!” I’m debating on whether or not to do just that, but its too hard to even think about, my palms sweat, just thinking about it.

Oscar’s third birthday was a success. He had a ton of fun, and mostly because there were lots of people here for him to play with. The boys across the street came over (3 boys), My other sister and her two came and then our neighbor girl game over. Oscar had a blast. And I looked at him early in the day and was actually amazed, and here’s where my emotions come out, and I was just, just…I don’t know blown away that I had a baby three years ago, and here he is…talking to me, and bossing me about stuff, and its almost creepy if I over think it. Anyway sorry for the side track. My aunt and uncles came which was nice, I figured they would try and find a way out of it but it was Sunday and they usually do Sunday dinner, so I got to do that for them. Even though all I really did was pasta salad.

I have a few things that I can do.
1. Cook pork chops that you will die for
2. Pasta salad that my family seems to love
3. Make invites, but my limit is apparently 5

So anyway again sidetracked…do you see this? I have the attention span of a three year old. Crap where was I? Oh the birthday party…after it was all done, I got a text from my friend who told me “I just puked in my hand at the bar” and at that moment, I was jealous. That’s right, not “happy about where I am in life.” but “jealous” How weird am I? I should be content with my life! I have what a woman wants right? A man who’s always home and works his butt of to provide for us. A wonderfully bright little boy who everyone falls in love with. I should be happy right? I shouldn’t want to be out drinking and puking in my hand! But I do! I DO! What is wrong with me?! The thing is that if I were single at this moment in my life I would stand no chance of even getting laid. I’m 100lbs over weight, and that’s no bullshit, and lets face it, guys really have high standards now, especially now that I’m 30. I’m no longer 22, which pains me to say. I know I should be looking forward instead of back, but forward to what? To my illustrious career as a Medical Transcriptionist? Face it, its not my dream job. Its going to put money in my pocket and let me stay at home where I want to be, instead of in an office with a bunch of bitchy backstabbing douches. Yeah I said it. But what is my dream job?! A while back all I could think about is being a basketball coach? Where did that go?

This is what I don’t like about depression, and this is why I wish I could always go to a counselor so I could actually talk this out with someone. Someone neutral. Someone who can give me tools to get over this, and make me see that I am a grown up now.

So now that I’m on the computer like ohhh anywhere from 8 to 12 hours out of the day, I shit you negative on that one, my back is not happy. My neck is not happy, I am not happy. And have I done anything pro-active about this? No no I haven’t because I have no will to do anything like exercise. Oh I did…for three days. That’s apparently my limit on exercise, which is weird because back in the day I didn’t mind going to strength training class every day and basketball practice. Man how times change a person.

So if I put goals on this here blog is anyone going to hold me to them? Anyone besides myself because you know I can’t be held accountable for myself. I need a bigger readership for this endeavor I believe.

1. Lose weight like STAT…okay that’s ridiculous.
Restart (I can’t find the strike through…to make it all fancy like I’m really writing this out)

1. Get mobile, like dance around or something, for 10 minutes.
3. Complete some assignments for the LOVE OF GOD!
4. Stop drinking soda.
5. Eat less. (I eat man sized portions, I’m trying to keep up with Jesse who burns 5000 calories a day)

So tomorrow I will not go on Facebook until my class work is done. Got that? Hold me to it? OK!

OH! Crap, its almost 11pm, and I need to talk about my classes. Save it for tomorrow. AFTER GETTING DONE WITH MY ASSIGNMENTS. (I’m behind schedule…my new schedule)

Peace out

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Posted by on September 8, 2009 in Depression, Facebook


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