New Monday

19 Jan

So since I’ve been a stay at home mom now for over two years, I have no concept of the days. Which isn’t really good for bill paying. I wish I were one of those busy stay at home mom’s always on the go with a palm pilot guiding me around. I am getting busier though. I had my first b-ball game last week and it was amazing! The girls lost by well a land slide, they only scored 4 points in the last two minutes of the game. The girl who made the point got a high five from the referee even. AWESOME!
This does wonders for my depression, I seem to be not as melancholy after the games and beyond. If only I could have basketball every day. I can’t find a team to join without spending $100, and I don’t have that kind of money. I find myself very jealous of people with money, not that its not our fault we don’t have money, I could get off my ass and get a job but then I wouldn’t get to spend time with Oscar and that’s what I like the best. I did start scrapbooking last night too, which proved to be very calming after a very loud day with my sister’s kids. It just proves to me even more that I should not be around them. Who knows when she’ll find a daycare for them.
My new goal for counseling is to start believing in myself. Which is a very hard task, I’ve never liked self affirmations probably because I’ve never liked myself. When I look back at high school I should have liked being me, I didn’t have near the weight problem. Actually I was 100lbs less in high school. Self Affirmations just feel like lies to me. I also have to stop relying on other people’s opinions of me. Especially one of my very best friends…I don’t do anything without her say so, which is not healthy. I even told her of my new plans and she didn’t respond and all I think about now is her non-response. I know that she’s just waiting for me to actually do it because I’m such a “I’m gonna do it” but then I never do. I talk big I guess.
So I’m reading through a worksheet titled “Helpful Hints for Mental Health” and the very last line says “As long as one remains dependent on others for approval, one is not free to be truley who he or she really is.” And this is me to a T.
Well I better get going.
current weight: 230

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Posted by on January 19, 2009 in Uncategorized


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