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Day One

12 Jan

Ohh such and exciting first title I know. But, really its not day one at all, its probably day one million for me. I have no idea. I just usually talk out my ass and this is what your going to get on here. Me talking out my ass about my depression.
Yes I suffer from depression, I’m on meds and I’m going to a counselor. Is it helping, I would like to think so at times but right at this moment its not. My depression is severe and completely in my head, I really don’t have much in my life to trigger this I’m just this way. If I think back in time I think I’ve always been depressed and just pushed it aside or was too busy to think about it much. My life now is too boring not to think and wallow in it now that all I do is sit at home with my two year old. Oh I do get out once in a while to go and coach basketball which I LOVE. But really I think right now that’s the only joy I get. I know that stress in my life contributes to this dramatically which is why I try to get away from stressfull situations but I think at times I create them as well. I have been seeing my counselor for about a month now, going once a week and it is getting me somewhere, but mostly its just making me realize what a pathetic person I am, and how negative I am and its not helping me yet get out of this. I have also come to realize that I get fired from my jobs or in trouble from ALL my jobs the same exact way. I get lazy and then I get in trouble. I was up until this last week taking care of my sisters kids, no too hard right? You would think, but no now I have been replaced, I even get fired from my sister. She’s telling me because I’m too stressed and her kids make me more stressed so she wants to help me out, but really she’s just hurting my feelings. And she said “I’ll get them in daycare in two weeks or so” but already she’s phasing me out. This happens a lot to me. I get the “oh well we’ll do this, and then its nope get out now!” Her kids actually kind of distract from all of my thinking problems. Now with just my boy here all I do is sit and think about what I do wrong in life.
I didn’t “graduate” from college
I can’t get a job
I can’t take care of kids
I’m lazy and I can’t clean
I’m not creative enough for anyone
I’m selfish
I’m a horible friend

I know I’m supposed to write down good things about myself but where are they? Why can’t I find anything good about myself? I just end up feeling shitty and crying all the time.

I’ll give you a preview, my whole week will be like this until I go see my counselor and then I’ll be good for two or three days but then my brain will just switch back to this nonsence.
Oh and I’m putting this down here too, just to see what happens…
Current weight this week. 232 lbs.
I have started on my way to losing weight, all on my own…I know terrible I’m not on Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. No dieting really, I’m just not eating as much. So we’ll start at that weight up there, that’s my starting line. I will tell you that 6 months ago I was around 245, So I’m doing alright that way I guess.

The reason I started this blog on here was because no one in my life knows about this blog, so I will be free to write whatever I want to with out being afraid of hurting someone I know. I need a place that I can send out all my bad thoughts and feelings out and get them out of my body and maybe that might help me heal a little bit. I’m going to try and not use names or anything like that but I might. If you know me and if I offend you in anyway I’m sorry.

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Posted by on January 12, 2009 in Depression Day One

 

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