Jan. 09, 2006 Truth Time

Truth Time

Okay truth be told, I’m scared shitless right now.  When I was 24 I got pregnant the first time, and three months later I wasnt, not because I didnt want it but because my body didnt want it…and long story short it was a blessing in disguse, because if i did have that baby i would still be in crappy ass burns working at the gas station.  so now this second time around I’m scared.  I’m scared because again I told everyone and EVERYONE is excited about this happening and i dont want to loose another one.  like my mom says my heart cant handle it.  i’m not just scared of loosing it but scared of having a baby too.  I mean jesse and i as parents?!  holy crap I know that there are some pretty messed up families out there but when the two of us start talking parenting i get a little nervous.  I dont even like to feed my cats very often.  what am I going to do with a kid!  let alone the diapers and the feeding.  god i should have been on birth control…like v said i need to be put in a headlock… so yeah now i’m just freakin out because i told everyone and then i’m gonna have to untell everyone and go through all of the same things all over again when i should have just kept my b/c going.  i’m an idiot, i really am.  The first time around I was even worse off because Jesse and I had just started dating, we were four months into it and i didnt even think about wanting to live with him let alone have a kid with him!  and when i found out and told him he said “well i figured i would be with you forever so this is okay.”  and that seemed to make everything okay.  and then i was alright and excited about being pregnant.  but now i’m just really scared, everyone else is excited and i’m worried, that i’m going to let everyone down.  so i have the doctors appointment not this friday but next friday and hopefully i keep getting sick so i know i’m still pregnant.

okay for reals this time.  no more baby blogs!  haha!!  you might get some “i hate being sick” blogs but that’s it.  i swear!  okay I don’t swear but i’ll try.