The Old Blog

These are all excerpts from my old old blog from MSN. They killed my blog on MSN and I wanted to save these if only for me. They’re pre-Oscar and post-Oscar so I like to read through them every so often. So I’m not going to post ALL of them. I found out that there are actually a lot. So I’ll post my favorites. Or ones that might be favorites…who knows I’m tired.

January 06

that’s it!

So I know that most people don’t read this because well no one is ever on here, and if you do read it I don’t know about it and that makes me feel a little more comfortable in writing these things out and posting them.  I’m tired of hearing about people getting married.  Seriously.  I just found out that the boy I loved in high school is engaged and I feel like John Cusack in High Fidelity when he says “ALISON IS MARRIED TO ….” and just keeps yelling that.  That’s what I did, I ran around my house yelling that.  I’m sure it makes Jesse feel wonderful that I’m so mad that someone I knew is getting married, I don’t know if he really knows why I’m mad.  I honestly don’t know why I’m mad about it.  I think because I’m extremely negative and yes I LOVED him.  LOVED like no other puppy could love another puppy.  I should just congradulate and go about my bidness but it bothers the crap out of me because on his myspace page is a comment from someother married duche bag that says “congrats!! you’ll LOVE married life” uhhh why?  is married life that much better then regular life?  Is being married all that different then what I’m currently doing?  and not that this person knows me at all but it felt like a personal jab if you will at my situation.  And why am I hung up on this at all if what I keep telling everyone and myself that marriage doesn’t indeed matter?  I think in a way that it does matter deep down in side everyone.  Because you are programed from birth to grow up go to school and get married and then you die.  I want to run away to Paris and get married in the Chettue however you spell it and then post a bulletin saying EAT THAT BITCHES!  I GOT MARRIED IN PARIS!!  And then I say “you don’t want to get married in paris!”  I just want to go to the court house sign the paper and be done with it just so people stop bugging me about it.  My counselor even asked “so where do you see this relationship with Jesse going in the future” I was confused…”uhmm forever? I don’t know what your asking”  Seriously do you have to be married to make it forever?  And maybe I do want to be married but then I would lable myself the biggest hypocryt in the world and I don’t know if my friends would even come because they wouldn’t want to add to the hypocracy.  I can’t just go to the court house though and get married because my mom would kill me, my sisters would kill me.  I don’t know why.  Ugh it stresses me out just thinking about it and I fixate on it.  I’m fixated on the fact that Zack is getting married and I’m not.  I’m not getting married to him and I’m not married to anyone else.  And why?  Because I’m a duche.  My name should be Karen because Karen is always a bag of duche.
So what I’m I doing about this besides freaking out on a blog that no one reads?  I’m not going on myspace anymore.  I can’t do it anymore, it pisses me off, I have just two friends on there that go by Mrs…Something or Other and I fixate on their photos and they piss me off.  They’re wedded bliss makes me angry.  and jealous.  Why do I let them effect me like this?  My friend Leslie’s marriage doesn’t do this to me.  I have no feelings about it good or bad, its  just her, but I think its because she doesn’t rub it in my face, and I feel that with those girls using their Mrs…blah blah they’re rubbing it in my face that I am a Miss. or a Ms. or whatever you call a single person.  Why does this bug me so bad?!!  I don’t think it would bother me as bad if I were actually single.  But I’m not.  So maybe my conclusion is that I know that I should be married to Jesse and by not being married I’m going against everything in my brain and that’s making me crazy.
Anyone wanna pay for a wedding in Paris?