The Purpose Driven Life Day 4: Made to Last Forever

The thing that I have the hardest time with is death. I get antsy thinking about it. My palms sweat and I can feel my heart start to beat faster. Because sure I know that there has to be something after this life but WHAT?! I HATE the unknown. I hate suspenseful movies for this. I fast forward through them to find out what happens. I read the end of books to find out if the main character makes it. I have to. Death bugs me for this reason. I don’t know EXACTLY what is going to happen when I die. And no matter how much “faith” I have in God or Religion isn’t going to stop me from wondering this and being apprehensive about it. It’s not even a comfort to know that your soul goes on forever after this. Because what do you do? Do you just hang out? NO ONE KNOWS! You can’t tell me that this guy writing this book knows definitively what goes on after we leave this world. And if this life is just a precursor to a much better place then why place so much importance on getting ahead in this life? Why not just be content on where you’re at? And why if we leave this earth and move on to a different plane would it matter what we did here? If everything starts over, why not a clean slate? We don’t take our bodies with us, so I won’t be fat in heaven right? OR WILL I?!

“This world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever.” 1 John 2:17(NLT)

 

The Purpose Driven Life Day 3

What Drives Your Life?

Everyone in life is driven by something…a problem, a pressure, or a deadline. You can be driven by a painful memory, a haunting fear, or an unconscious belief.

Five most common “driving forces”:
Guilt
Resentment and Anger
Fear
Materialism
Need for Approval

Just looking at this list I can say that I am pretty much driven by all of them to some degree. I like to say that I’m not materialistic, but I can’t. I am very materialistic. I get jealous of people that have better nicer things then I do, and I always think that EVERYONE has nicer, newer things then I do. Even though I am sitting here typing on a brand new computer I know that someone that I know has something better and bigger.

Guilt: “Guilt-driven people are manipulated by memories. They allow their past to control their future. They often unconsciously punish themselves by sabotaging their own success.”
Wow. And yes. Guilty of being guilt driven. I LIVE in my past. All I do is “remember when” and go through my day saying: “If only I would have done this.” “I should have done this, instead of that.” and so on.
I definitely will keep this in mind from now on: “We are products of our past but we do not have to be prisoners of it.”

Resentment and Anger: Just recently I became very angry about something and I wrote it all out in a post and then you know what…I held on to it for the next day and then decided something. I can’t do anything about it. And I let it go. I am getting better at this. I’m getting better at not bottling things up inside. I rarely blow up about things unless I have bottled it up for so long. It’s hard for me because I think it is an inherited trait to hold things and internalize everything but I am trying.

Fear: I’m not so sure about this one by the definition it doesn’t sound like something that I do. I’m not too afraid of the unknown. I’m pretty open to new situations and try to keep myself that way.

Materialism: Like I said before I try really hard not to be like this. The way that I look at it, is that people are killing their selves to have the best and the biggest and I think about it and they probably have outrageous debt and here we are killing ourselves with our debt that I would imagine is only maybe half of other people’s. Even though it is huge for us because we have such a little income. I am happy with what we have. I don’t need to fill our house with endless crap and items, it is hard working at my job though and seeing so many things that “I WANT I WANT I WANT” but then having to tell myself… “we don’t need it.” Materials do not make you happy. I know this.

Need for Approval: this one if you know me…is a no brainer. I am the queen of need for approval. “Being controlled by the opinions of others is a guaranteed way to miss God’s purposes for your life.”

 

Okay so my problem with the rest of the chapter is that he just keeps repeating: “knowing your purpose gives you meaning to your life.” He just says it different ways. BUT he doesn’t explain that. Yeah I get it…I need a purpose and without that I’m not driven to live life the way that God wants me to. But repeating this over and over and in different ways doesn’t SHOW me how to figure this all out. I get it. Without God, life has no purpose, and without purpose, life has no meaning. Without meaning, life has no significance or hope.

I at times feel like there is no hope. There’s no point. But you know what? I get over it, I move on and look at little things and I look at Oscar and say: “there’s my point…to get him through life.” I know that I have a reason to be here. I just want to know what it is already.

Another problem I have with all this is that if God already KNOWS everything then why would he question us when we get to heaven? Why would we have a “final exam” as the author says when we get to heaven…wouldn’t God already know what we did with our lives? And he would already know what we were going to say so why waste his eternal time? Can you imagine God’s day? Asking EVERY SINGLE PERSON that goes up to heaven? And what about babies?? It makes no sense to me.

 

 

Since I Hate Confontations.

Confrontations and I do not go well. So when someone says on Facebook

“OK so before i post this statues i just want to ask my family to be as understanding as possible…”(I’ve moved back in with a douche bag asshole who mentally abuses me and made me at one point in time cry out for help because I wanted to kill myself…)(my words) “Please call me if you have anything to say and i will gladly talk to you. i don’t mind hearing your opinions just remember that they are your opinions, not mine.”

I cannot pick up the phone. When she first went back to him, I picked up my laptop and do what I think I do best. Write a letter. And I never got a response. I kind of expected that. But no response. And then I know that I’m not her “immediate family” but I think the phone lines go both ways and to post on FACEBOOK a DISCLAIMER before you post something… Alarm Bells are ringing Willie…I cannot control what I say out loud. I do my best and I bite my toung but this is my place to just say what I want to say. Right here right now.

You are a stupid fucking idiot. I do not, cannot support this decision. It is a stupid decision that will lead to years of heart ache and, quite possibly because this person recently bought a handgun for no REAL REASON…might just maybe lead to an accident. Who’s to say three more months down the road this whole thing that you had your mom over there helping you and your brother won’t happen again? And I’m sure HE is telling you that it was all THEIR idea and you are just weak minded. I saw his posts on your page. I’m not an idiot. I can freaking read. I can see the condensetion DRIPPING with his comments to YOU and your friend…who does nothing but loves you like you were her sister. Comments like this: “

“I’ve never treated _____ as a burden, and never asked for much in return. I love ____ her bad feelings came from not knowing how to communicate, fear of conflict, and assuming what i would say and think. I’m not perfect and i did the best i could for her. just so everyone knows I truly love and respect her.”

Is it just me? Is it just me or did he just pin the whole thing on her??

I have to get this all out tonight. I’m going to get it all out and let it go. I can’t say anything nice to her about this situation so I’m keeping my mouth shut after this. I’m afraid I might have to get rid of my facebook page though just to keep myself in check. Too much drama that I get into on there. Sure it’s nice to reconnect but I think there are still a couple people out there who live without facebook so I think I can too.

I’m at a loss. Because I think I’ve lost all feelings in regards to this person. We didn’t have a strong bond to begin with because the family is so disconnected. But I do love her because it’s one of those “family” things where I have to love her. I don’t love her decisions. I can’t probably ever like her “other.”

What am I supposed to do? Text her every day and say “I love you” when deep down inside it makes me sick to think about it? That I can’t look at her FB page because I can’t look at his picture because I get a vitriol reaction from it?

I have to get over this. I have to move beyond it because I’m not doing her any good being angry about it. I’m not doing me any good by getting sick over it. And maybe just maybe she’s telling the truth and everything is sunshine and sparkles all the time. And they will get married and have miracle babies and life will be perfect for her.

But maybe it won’t. And that right there? That’s my biggest problem….

 

You Are Not An Accident

“I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born.” -Isaiah 44:2a (CEV)

One line got me right off the bat with this chapter.

“If there was no God, we would all be “accidents,” the result of astronomical random chance in the universe. You could stop reading this book, because life would have no purpose or meaning or significance.”

Why would life have no meaning if everything was an accident? He also said “There would be no right or wrong, and no hope beyond your brief years here on earth.” Really? I don’t think that’s true. There can still be write or wrong with accidents. Just like there can be morals and laws without religion. Why do we need to look beyond our “brief years here on earth?” why can’t we just live and love our moments that we have and not have to look beyond? Is it because everyone is afraid of dying because no one knows what happens after we’re dead? So we have to think that there is something AFTER this life to comfort us while we’re here? And what if there isn’t anything. Everyone always says “but what if there is?” If there is great. But what if there isn’t? What then? Nothing. We can go on being happy accidents living our short time here on the earth. And how do “they” know this is God’s plan? Who did God tell? How do we know that these people just aren’t crazy people? I mean everyone thought that David Koresh was a psycho right? Except the people who followed him to his death. For all we know he could have been the second coming…or maybe the bible was wrong about everything and the story of Jesus was just that…a story.

Just because I believe that I am an accident isn’t going to automatically make me a deviant. It’s not going to make me think “well this has no real consequence so I should just do it.” I’m apparently doomed because “We discover meaning and purpose ONLY when we make God the reference point of our lives.”

 

(all quotes taken from A Purpose Driven Life)

 

The Purpose Driven Life

Day One: “It’s not about YOU”

“Unless you assume a God, the question of life’s purpose is meaningless.” -Bertrand Russell, atheist.
(First off…the book quoted that and why would they title him “atheist” is that weird to anyone else?)
So you only have purpose through God. Without God life makes no sense. This makes no sense. Does this mean that even though I’ve believed in God all my life I really don’t because I don’t know my meaning in life? Or I just haven’t tried hard enough to hand everything over to God? I don’t get it.

Question from the book: “How can I remind myself today that life is really about living for God, not myself.”
Yesterday Jesse went to the store and while he was in line visited with the people behind him. He was just getting some food for us for dinner…When he went to pay for the food the lady cancelled his debit card transaction and paid for his food. I don’t know why but I guess if you look at life through God eyes then you can take this as a gift from God. The people also “God Blessed” him as he walked away.
Jesse came away with a sense of “what the hell just happened” I came away with “People are amazing!”

“God’s wisdom…goes deep into the interior of his purposes. It’s not the latest message, but more like the oldest – what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us.”

 

I still don’t know how to take this all. I know it’s going to be tough for me because all I want to do is question everything.

 

New Year. New Direction.

I think around two years ago my mom sent me a book and on the first page she put a name card and it says

“Randa – Turn”

It’s been on my shelf for two years.

I have come to a point in my life where I’m not religious anymore. I think I still believe in God or that there is a God or something. There has to be something…there has to be a purpose. I don’t know if GOD is that purpose though. I have a really hard time with religion. I believe that you can be a good person without having to be a Christian. You can treat others with respect and kindness without going to church and without hypocritical people telling you to be kind when they themselves are judging and are not kind themselves.

So this book is a 40 day spiritual journey that will enable you to discover the answer to life’s most important question: What on earth am I here for?

It is called: The Purpose Driven Life.

I don’t know if this book is going to teach me anything. I don’t know if it will help me “find God” I really don’t know if I’m even looking for him.

If you want to join me on this you’re more than welcome to. (mom, and sisters) I think it’s just going to make me question the book more than myself. Because already with the first day all I have are questions. The whole thing doesn’t make sense to me already and all I want to do is read the whole thing in one sitting. But the “rules” are that you have to do one chapter a day and “really think on it.”

So here it is…Deep breath…I’m diving in!

 

Are The Holidays Over Yet?

Just a warning. I’m probably not going to be writing much. I think I might be done doing this. I don’t ever have anything of importance to say and when I do I can never get it out of my head and on to the screen. I keep reading blogs that actually have something magnificent to say about everything. Even little things like their kids growing up and changing and I look at my little blog and just sigh. I know that I’m doing this for myself but I’m disappointed in myself at the moment. And with what I write.

I hope that I can start up again one day when I have inspiration or a motivation to do so again. Blogs come and go. And I think I’m going now. I’ll probably be back again, who knows.

 

Holy Balls

Jesse is signed up for classes! He’s got his school ID and he is officially a student! YAY! I don’t know what we’re going to do until the financial aid appears but hey! He’s going to school! And it’s going to be four days a week and sounds like he’s excited. I’m excited. I’m happy for him. It makes me all discontent with my situation though and makes me think “do I really want to be in retail the rest of my natural born life.” Okay here’s a list of my questions for myself.

Can I really see myself working at WM for the rest of my life?
How will it help my family financially if I work there?
If I do continue how long can I stand it?
Should I take baby steps into being a manager?
Should I just take a giant leap and risk getting bored after a year?
Should I go back to school for no reason just to continue to work at WM?
I won’t get paid more if I have my degree.
I keep thinking about going into some sort of psychology field.
I really really like working with people. Even grumpy people.
My job is truly thankless.
Could I handle working over 40 hours a week as a manager with all the stress and still think it’s worth it?

It’s been nice having Jesse back. Except the snoring. THE SNORING! I can’t handle it. I want to kick him. And I do. And it doesn’t help. But I’m getting used to it again and I’m sure by tonight I won’t pay attention to it anymore. Most likely because I’ll be so exhausted from not sleeping the past two nights.

We are taking a quick trip over to Astoria on Sunday. I have Sunday and Monday off and Jesse has to go ALL the way over there to hang 9 sheets. That’s not very much. I think he can do that in less than 30 minutes. Which is kinda sucky. But what can we do? We need the money. They’re paying for the gas and the motel so that’s alright. And it’s a trip to see the cold Oregon Coast in the middle of winter. What could be better? And if all goes right we’ll get to see Leslie and her family again! Yay!!

And that’s all I got today.

 

THREE MORE DAYS!

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Until Despicable Me comes out on video. HAHHAA! You thought I was going to talk about Jesse didn’t you?

So there are a couple things that are happening on Tuesday. Jesse “should” be home. And that wonderful movie Despicable Me is coming out on DVD/Blu-Ray whatever you decide to buy it on. Except VHS, I don’t think they make those anymore.

When I worked at Hastings eon’s ago while in college all we had were VHS tapes. They slowly started bringing in DVDs by the time I had quit a year later but for the most part all VHS. It was a pain to carry all those tapes around the store to put them back after they were rented. Three years later they still had a bunch of VHS tapes but the majority was DVD. It’s so weird that in three years so much could change like that. And now? No VHS anywhere. I’m sure it’s all going to change to Blu-Ray. I remember when we first started hearing about Blu-Ray and HD DVDs someone said “don’t waste your time, they’re not going to last.” And I thought “Really?!” And they were wrong. The one thing I hope people don’t really switch to is 3D everything. I really don’t like 3D everything. I will not be buying a TV that does that. I just can’t imagine having to wear glasses every time I want to watch something on TV and what good would it do? Especially with I dunno, regular news programs. Do we really need those in 3D? Or even cooking shows? What is the knife going to come out of the TV at you?? Ridiculous.

I finally ordered my shoes. I’m getting my Dansko Kate shoes in 5 to 7 business days. I’m so excited! I have heard so many good things about them and I got them from Zappos so if they don’t fit I can return them for free! Yay Zappos!

Yup that’s all I got.

 

Ignoring Housework to Write Nothing…

I think that the place that I work at needs a daycare center. And I think furthermore, that they need it to be free for employees. That would be awesome. And then? I wouldn’t be missing work today. Not that I’ve been missing it Bob. (Office Space) But yeah I know that it sucks when people call in and it’s the season for call ins lately. But I really don’t have a choice especially when I don’t have a person to watch my kid. Jesse is still gone. And won’t be home until probably the 15th now. Hopefully. BUT! He will be bringing home decent money and that will be wonderful. We will be able to catch up on bills, which I already have with my paycheck and get some Christmas stuff. I’m planning on getting him a waffle maker. Yeah he’s a weirdo. I want to get his mom a digital camera. She needs one. She likes taking pictures but she still has one from the dark ages. It’s time to bring her into the now. Me? I have no idea what I want.

What I really want is to be free from my addiction to Facebook. It’s so infuriating yet engrossing at the same time. I’m so conflicted. I love keeping up with people from the past and present and my family but some people really get me agitated. It’s like crack. It’s like I want to bitch about everything lately. I’m going to have to get back to being positive about everything. I’m bitching about little things and it’s kinda dragging me down a bit.

I also really want a real office desk and a desktop computer. But that’s a little out of the budget at the moment. I’d settle for an XBOX360 and a Kinect.

I want to lose weight now. I don’t know if it’s just my current mood and it will pass like it usually does but I really want to. I have a co-worker who lives on the base and wants to get back into working out and we’re going to try and get together so I can go out there and work out for free with her. They have a pool and a basketball court. I think that would be good for me. I could go swim when my feet hurt and play ball when they don’t! Or just play anyway. And try to walk on a treadmill or something. But I am getting really tired of looking at my fat body in the mirror.

I only miss Jesse when I look around at my messy house. Ha. I’m terrible. But thankfully I have a sweet little boy that will pick up his toys and his messes when he wants to play video games. Oh and I have finally explained Santa Clause to him and he said “OHhh I can’t WAIT for Santa to come!” And he told his grandma that he was excited to have a Christmas tree. Which we got for free from my uncle. I love having a hoarder uncle who has friends that come to help him clean out once in a while. It’s a 7ft fake skinny tree but it came with 10 strings of lights. 10! Three need bulbs replaced but that’s not bad. I don’t think I’ll need all of them. He said “pre-lit” but it really wasn’t, I had to take all the lights off and de-tangle them. That was fun. But now I have to wait for Jesse to get back because I don’t know where to put it because it’s 7ft tall and there’s only a couple places to put it…like right where the TV is. And to move the TV I would have to move the movie cabinet and then try and move the TV myself is not a good idea. I want to decorate the house before Jesse gets back, but I have no idea where he put the decorations. And I think I’m going to need more than what my mom gave me because well it’s a big freaking tree. And Oscar kept asking about putting a star on the top. Not a blue star. A yellow star.

Well I think that’s it for now. I really need to get off the computer and get to work cleaning the house. It’s finally driving me nuts. Plus I have clothes to fold and a room to clean. Ugh. This “mom” thing is really tiring! hahahahha!