What if I Have no Passion?

One of my twitter “friends” said this to me today: “Whatever you’re passionate about go for it!” And I’m sitting here thinking to myself

“What am I passionate about?”

Sleeping. At the moment that’s all I want to do, even though caffeine is running wild through my anxiety ridden body all I want to do is take a nap. I didn’t get up until 9 today. When Oscar was finally tired of watching TV in my bed. Then I ate and fell asleep on the couch until noon. I’m a complete mess. I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know how to take all the advice from people to help.

I hate working out. I hate it. I can’t stand walking on a treadmill or even in the open air. I walk all the time at work. I jog at work. I hate it. I hate lifting weights. I don’t want to “work out” I don’t know why people keep telling me that it is so wonderful. I don’t feel better after working out I feel worse. I don’t like being like this, like a big baby of “I don’t wanna!” but honestly if I want to be a more in shape person I need to work out. But when I find no joy or anything but pain in doing something why should I do it?

I really don’t want to go to work. I mean REALLY don’t want to go to work.

I don’t know if Jesse is going to go to school or not. I’m trying to figure out how to talk to him without him getting defensive about it. Because I apparently come off as attacking him every time I ask him about it. So today I’ll hopefully get to ask him a little bit about it to see if he even wants to go or if he’s discouraged about the stupid selective service deal. Which he never turned in so he doesn’t even know if it hurts or what. Ugh.

I shouldn’t be sitting at the computer. I should be running around and doing something. Anything but I don’t want to. I just want to sit and do nothing. I’m passionate about doing nothing.

At the moment.

Ask me again in a day or two I will be passionate about eating. Or looking into doing something else. Who the fuck knows. I’m all sorts of messed up.

The worst thing is no one can fix me. I know this. I know that I’m the only one that can fix me. But I feel like I’m incapable of doing this.

I just wish I didn’t hurt all the time. I wish that just one day my hurt would just stop.

 

We all Have Struggles

(Written Monday, just to get you in the mind set.)

What I really want to do is sit here and type out all the ways I hate a certain Fox “News” person and how he’s a hateful mean spirited fear monger. But apparently only a couple people actually want to read and or comment on my political posts. Which is fine. I honestly don’t mind debate and when people don’t comment I just assume I have rendered all of you speechless. Or you all agree with all of my point and cannot simply add more to what I have already eloquently stated.

We ALL have problems with money.

The odd thing is the way that the money has been coming into the house lately, I shouldn’t have a problem. But because I don’t have a problem I tend to say “It’s okay to get this, because we have money.” And then we end up with a problem. But now I have a goal. I have to ask for the time off today at work. But I have a plan to go visit a friend who I have been missing for a while and I haven’t been able to see. And I rudely stood her up because of a new job way back in December. So I’m going to try and make it up to her and save money and go down to visit her and her family. I am beyond hopeful about this trip.

I’m actually thinking of postponing Oscar’s birthday to save the money. I wouldn’t do that! Yes I would. He won’t know anyway. He gets too many things as is. Yet if I don’t do his birthday I will feel like I’m not doing my job as a mom. Because every year my kid requires a cake and people around him singing him a song. But this year is different. I don’t have my sister here. I don’t have my wonderful neighbors. It’s just us. And that should be sufficient yet, most of the time I feel pretty lonely.

It always circles back to me doesn’t it?

Work has finally broken me down. It had stopped being fun, and apparently we’re not allowed to have fun anymore which is usually what happens at the jobs I’m at. We get out of control and have to be reeled back in. But whatever. The biggest thing for me is my feet. They hurt so bad from the concrete that I can’t be nice anymore. I feel like raging at people. I was going to get new shoes but we needed groceries instead. So I had to think: “food or shoes?” and food won. Of course. Stupid food. All it does is make me fat anyway.

I got sidetracked by a job opportunity. I just filled out the application now I have to do a new resume, again. Because since I had to reboot my computer I lost my last resume. No “good luck” necessary, I’m just filling out things and hoping for a chance. It’s a part time job at the City Council as an assistant. But it would pay me more than the 32 hours a week that I work at WM for just 28 hours a week. Make sense? And hopefully the opportunity to get benefits and to get my “foot in the door” as it were.

And I got side tracked some more by work. I’m home now. Work wasn’t terrible tonight, but I think that’s because for most of it I ignored my “real” work and just did what people told me to do. It was a little less crazy in the store tonight compared to the last couple of nights. I like Mondays for that reason. So now I’m sitting back and drinking a beer. Thinking about going to bed. Because tomorrow might be a long day. Work from 11am to 7:30. And then one more shift and I’m off for two days in a row. And I will tell you now that those two days will fly by, even if I do nothing at all. Because that’s what days off do.

 

Pictures To Go Along With The Story

So we had a wonderful half a week in Portland. It was good to see my dad. I should have gotten some pictures of him, but that probably wouldn’t be very nice to photograph a sick man. At least he wouldn’t be able to chase after me! I did however get some excellent shots of his view from the fourteenth floor.

Isn’t that beautiful?! I want to just take that view with me everywhere. I wish I would have been there for the Fourth of July. Dad said a nurse came in and made him get up to watch and he saw the whole city light up with fireworks all the way around.
So there is a Sky Tram that goes from the hospital down to a building for doctors.

This is on our way back up. I couldn’t get any pictures on our way down because Oscar had a death grip on me and was sweating because he was so scared. I think that a fear of hights is maybe inhereted because my hands were sweating the whole time too. I felt like I was flying though. I have a fear of heights but apparently it’s not crippling because I am able to go on rides like this one with out having panic attacks. The good thing though if I did have a panic attack I was going right back to a hospital. Oscar loved it right after we got off of the tram. He wanted to go right back up again.

Someone had an unfortunate accident.

Here’s the station up at the top. The nice thing was that since we were visiting a cancer ridden dad we got to ride the tram for free. Oscar really liked his tickets, and held on to them very tightly.

While visiting dad was nice, it also gave me a chance to visit my friend Leslie, who I only get to see once a year or so, like most of my friends.We met her family on the beach at Pacific City. Thanks to GPS on my phone the trip was fairly uneventful. Except for one “make a legal uturn as soon as possible.”

The Oregon Coast is always cloudy isn’t it? Or is it just when I go?

Here’s Oscar, Aiden, Leslie’s Husband Bryan and Laila. Oscar is totally amused at the moment.

Leslie and I tried our hands at cloud bursting and it worked, but it took almost until we had to leave for the sun to come out. My shins got burnt. Laila loves me. She drug me into the waves, and then out of the waves. I love her, because she made me run. Not many people can do that. We actually got to park on the beach which was a first for me. Thankfully Bryan brought my car down for me but then it was up to me to get it back up. Scary stuff!

He’s totally playing dead. I swear!

 

Having Fun with Family.

My brother came to Spokane for Hoopfest this past weekend. Hoopfest is the “world’s biggest 3 on 3 basketball tournament. And it was a lot of fun. It’s been years since we went and spent a whole day downtown. Aba’s team didn’t do so hot but they had a lot of fun. And I got the privilege to hang out with four boys on a Saturday night. And let me tell you the things I saw. Ohhh boy the things these eyes saw would amaze you. This picture was taken at the end of the night. You can’t tell we were drunk at all can you? I walked my big butt all over downtown that night and I didn’t care at all. Because I was pretty stinkin’ drunk and having tons of fun. My brother almost got arrested for kicking over signs, and being a sassy pants to officers. I made best friends with a random gay dude. And OH! I saw a guy from Gonzaga that I haven’t seen since the night of my 22nd birthday. I think you might remember that story…hahahah. I freaked the fuck out. I called and left my friend a message. SCREAMING into the phone about seeing him. He did not see me. He probably wouldn’t have recognized me if he had, considering I’m 100lbs more then I was back then. I was pretty ruined for the rest of the night. I also called her again later from my brother’s phone because mine died, and I guess I was whispering. I don’t remember. I had some pretty funny texts to her too from my brother’s phone. Aba was glad that I clarified that it was me and not him talking about all the beautiful black men. Oh I also saw something that has been burned in my memory probably for the rest of my life. Some woman with a skirt barely passed her ass decided to kick off her shoes and then bend over to pick them up…from the waist…and yeah I found out that she had no underwear on and I possibly caught crabs. I’m not too sure though. I wish my phone had a longer battery life so I could have had picture of the night. Here are some more pictures from the day though:

This is another thing I cannot un-see. The first team they played had to wear the shortest shorts they could find. I had that big white butt in my face more then I care to recall.

Here's Baba. Doesn't he look larger than life? That's because I'm sitting on the ground...

And here's Jesse giving Baba a pregame pep talk.

.

Oscar taking a break from the heat in the fountain downtown

It was a good weekend. And! It ended with my brother buying me sandals! I don’t have girly sandals because well I just don’t and since he was at Macy’s I figured he’d better just buy me some sandals. so he did! Yay!

 

My Letter to Dad

Dad and Oscar

Dad,

I know that Father’s Day is tomorrow. I was going to get you a card and send it to you for the first time ever. But then I haven’t had a chance to just look through all the cards at work and find the best one that says exactly what I want to say to you. I want it to be funny and witty like I am. I want it to be heartfelt and tear jerking because that’s how I feel right now. I would end up sending you 10 cards I think. Because people can usually say how I feel better then I can.
10 years ago I wouldn’t be able to say this. Because 10 years ago I didn’t really know you. Not that you weren’t there, but you know. I saw you in bits and pieces and you were working. You worked so hard to give us the life that we had. You worked so hard at your business to make us as comfortable as possible. I had a co-worker ask me what you did for work and I told him and he said “So you came from money then?” And I never thought that. I never thought “Man we have a lot of money.” We never worried about it. We never thought about money. I told him. “We weren’t rich, we had enough.” and he said “That’s what upper middle class people say.” And then I said “Well we grew up in a trailer house, if that makes a difference.” I didn’t mention the addition. I didn’t mention how I had a car when I was 16. I thought that was just something that happened with everyone. I didn’t mention how I went to Gonzaga and I’m not drowning in student loans now.
You and I didn’t have a relationship until after I got out of college. I know that we’re a lot alike. I remember looking at the office down at the shop and how your desk was and how mine was exactly the same. A BIG MESS. (to other people) But we knew where things were. Man I hated you sometimes. You were the worst boss ever. You would leave me alone for weeks and then micromanage the shit out of me out of nowhere. But working for you, I think, made us grow closer then we would have otherwise.
I remember in high school playing my ass off in basketball and just wanting some sort of feed back. And it broke my heart not to see you in the stands. I played because you did. I played because I loved it. I played to get some sort of pat on the back from you.
I buy GMCs because you do. I do a lot of what I do because of you. I don’t try and get mom’s attention and affection because I know that I have it. I never knew that I had yours.
In high school I took a pschology class and we talked about the Oedipus complex. This is when little boys hate their dad and love their moms. This happens with little girls but of course the opposite. I raised my hand and said “I didn’t do this” and Mr. Thomas looked at me and said “Really? why?” And I said “because I don’t remember my dad when I was little.” And this teacher, who worked with my mom, and knew my whole family had to ask “Are your parents divorced?” and I responded. “no, dad just works. As soon as I was born, he had to get to work, he had three kids, and then two more came and he didn’t have time to be with us.”
Being here when you’re leaving to go through all that shit again breaks my heart. Because I remember what happened the first time. I remember that I was there last time. I was in the mix I was in the middle of everything I was a part of it. I got fired. Remember that? And now? Now I’m 8 hours away, getting updates from Facebook and the occasional call from mom. And all I want to do is just hug you. I want to tell you that I know that you’ll make it through all this just like you did last time. I want to tell you that I am not worried. I want to tell you that last time that you went through all of this you looked a little like Yoda. Except 10x taller.
I want to tell you that I love you.
I want to tell you that my life wouldn’t be the same without you.
I want to say thank you for being my dad. For doing all that you did. Good and bad.

There is so much more that I want to say, but I’m a bit emotional at the moment.

Oscar and My Dad's hands

 

Heartburn Pretty Much Ruins Everything

Deciding to blog about nothing is pretty tough. There’s a lot of ideas rolling around in my brain but they never seem to translate on to paper. Or screen as it is. And I know the picture has nothing to do with the title. And the title has nothing to do with what I’m writing but again. It’s my blog deal with it.

So that rose came out of our pretty rose bush out front. Oscar has decided that he now has to bring me in flowers. Thankfully he has a grandma who knows how to cut them. I have gotten a handful of grass as a “flower” and was forced to put it into a “vase” and I use that loosely because it was actually a cleaned out chocolate milk jug from McD’s. Yup we’re class. Don’t tell me you’re white trash and you have a vase. Because we don’t. I also don’t own any curtains. What? You know what else I don’t have? Throw pillows. And I’ve lived with white walls for so freaking long I couldn’t even imagine what color on my walls would look like. I don’t have any decoration in my bathroom. And we have no matching towels. I have a closet full of towels, and most of them are old. I think we have 6 towels that we actually bought ourselves. Yup.

Oscar got a new little play area in the back yard. Jesse actually worked in the yard. It was amazing to see him not playing video games. I kid. I do. Okay maybe I don’t. Barb was the busiest in the yard though. She got all the stuff she wanted done even through bad joint pain. The woman amazes me. Oh and I helped. I DID! I put rocks around the front garden. That was my contribution. I know shocking that I can help out a little.

See all those rocks?? Yup that was ALL me. That’s pretty much the extent of my yard skills. I didn’t want to do anything else, you know show anyone up. So if all goes according to plan we will have uhm veggies in our front yard!

 

Typing Quick Before the Kid gets into anything else…

Seriously I haven’t been on the Computer in two days. Because every time I tried Oscar would get into shit. Like right now? Okay a little bit ago, he was in his grandma’s bathroom, elbows deep in the toilet playing with a toy. Awesome! Before that he was in her room messing with god knows what. He said he was “drinking water” but I don’t believe it for a second. At this moment I have no idea what he’s doing. And that scares the crap out of me.

I don’t know what’s up with me but I haven’t been liking being on the net or the computer lately. I think it’s because I’m mad at my Medical Transcription class. They’re total bitches about grading and make me feel like I was never taught how to write a sentence. I have even reread their chapter on grammar 5 times now to figure out what the fuck I’m doing wrong every assignment. I have yet to figure it out. Seems as though they change the rules for EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ASSIGNMENT. So why train at all? If the rules are different for EVERY different transcription what the hell am I doing here?? And the shit that they get me on is REDICULOUS and doesn’t change the structure or meaning of the fucking sentence.

I apologize for all the f bombs. I know I don’t really throw them around that much, but as you can see I’m super angry at the moment. If it wasn’t an online class I would go into someone’s office and punch a bitch right in the face. I swear to God.

Other then that life has been super fantastic. Everyone is home with my parents except me. So I’m throwing myself a pity party here. I’m a saaaddd Randa. We’re supposed to go over to my Aunts for Christmas dinner so that should be interesting fun. Work is going splendidly I got notice that I am now a permanent employee, and my mother already has her delusions of grandeur for me. “You’ll be upper management in no time!” She’s the only mom who would be proud that her daughter is a manager at a W.M. So yeah, I still like going into work, everyone at this one is actually pretty pleasant to work with. So I guess that’s a plus. And paying bills feels really good.

I got a new camera from a super cool Twitter friend, that I can not stop bragging about. It’s been tons of fun taking pictures, and I’ve already sucked a set of batteries dry. Which apparently isn’t hard to do! But hey I’ve got a lot of random picture of Oscar now! YAY! He hates loves the camera.

Anyway I need to get going, I typed this furiously and fast to get it all out there, and now it’s back to chasing and yelling at a kid who doesn’t seem to want to just sit still for just half a freaking second.

 

My Dad.

Uhm this is hard for me because the first thing I want to do is cry. And the second thing I want to do is tell myself “quit crying.”
About 7 years ago, I think, if my math is correct. My dad was diagnosed with a type of cancer called Multiple Meyloma. It’s a bone/blood cancer that at the time should have gave him only six months. But my mom told the doctor not to tell her things like that because she had counted on 60 years at least with the man. (God only knows why!) So it started out as a tumor on his spine the probably would have been found earlier had he not lived in such a shit hole with such terrible doctors. But I’m being mean. He went through radiation and chemo and then he had surgery to remove a vertebrae. He has titanium rods in his back now, which he says gets super cold along with the weather.
When my dad got the first diagnosis I had just moved home from college after pretty much getting fired from a call center job that I hated. He had just lost his office manager so it was “my turn” to help him with his business. I remember when he had his “fanny pack” of chemo on his hip at work, and no one knew he was going through it because he never showed any signs of being sick or tired. Well to anyone but us. We knew. I knew he was tired, I knew he was sick. But I also knew in my heart that he was going to be just fine. Because the man is a bastard. He’s just a strong bastard of a man and to ornery to die. After going through the radiation and chemo and surgery the doctors said he had a choice. He could go through chemo again every so often, or do a T-cell transplant and give him a greater chance of the cancer not EVER coming back. So he took option B, because he hated the chemo. He spent a month in the hospital and a couple more months recovering at home. It was weird to see my dad without hair. My whole life I never saw my dad with out hair and it was definitely different. He wouldn’t take off his hat in public, not even for the anthem…(I know right?!)
He got better, and the mass was gone and all he had to do was go monthly to get a bone strengthener.
Well today I got news from my mom that they have found a similar mass on his ribs. So it looks like it’s back for a second round. This is coming after we found out about a month or so ago that his sister’s cancer had also come back, her’s this time in her lymph nodes. This happened last time but in reverse. Dad got it first then his sister. Oh then his other crazy sister decided that “she had cancer too” but it was never really talked about, I always thought she was faking…(my opinion)
My dad has an appointment on Friday to see his oncologist and to get a better x-ray to make sure exactly what is going on with his ribs. So after that we will know more what is going on. The thing is, it’s kinda thrown everyone in the family for a loop. I called my sister after talking to mom and I could tell she was crying, and I said “so it’s okay for me to cry?” Then the next day my oldest sister called to see how I was doing, and we both just sat on the phone wondering how to take the whole thing. Dad is still not ready to talk about it. Of course. I know in my heart and from what I’ve read that it is not necessarily a death sentence if the cancer has come back. It just means more radiation and more chemo, which will be harder for him, because more is always bad of those two things.
I know with so many people touched with a cancer story this one is typical. It is one in a million or more, but it is our story. And it’s hard on my mom. She’s definitely not the same this time around as she was the last time. I think it has partly to do with the fact that she just got back from seeing her sister go through a surgery to remove lumps from her breast. And of course my dad’s sister’s cancer coming back.
My first instinct is to joke around with my dad and just try to ease everything a little. The first thing I told my mom after she told me the news was “Is he trying to show his sister up or something? Just because she has her cancer back doesn’t mean he has to too!” And I know that would make my dad laugh. I would get a chuckle out of him. I haven’t had a chance to talk to him in a couple of months or so, well a good talk anyway. I usually talk to him a couple of times a month, I don’t know what happened this last month or two. I hope that as a family we get through this again. I know that my mom is a strong woman, but she’s going to need a lot of support, I just hope we are up to the challenge.
Give a little prayer, if that’s what you do, or just keep my dad and my mom in your thoughts tomorrow. I know some of you don’t know them personally, but trust me, they’re good people!
I know that most of my posts are very disjointed, but this might be the worst! Please forgive me!

 

Learning from other Blogs

I’m learning as I go here. Well I’ve been “blogging” for a little while. Almost four years I think. I know that’s not as long as some out there, but long for me. But mostly it’s just been a journal for me and some family members. Anyway as time has gone on and I have found other blogs I am amazed at how juvenile my blog is. How terrible my pictures are. Now this is not me fishing for complements, this is just my brain. I’m giving you a peek…ha…well see my brain always compares me to everyone else around me. And for some reason my brain always has me coming up short. It’s just the way it is. I’ve never been number one. I tried working on this with my counselor but apparently I was “fixed” because I stopped crying at every session. Ahhh how the brain likes to trick me. Anyway, I’m finding new blogs here and there and most of them I like. You can look to your left and see a good list of blogs that I read and like a lot. I have found some new one just recently that have been around for YEARS but they’re new to me.
What I have noticed is that I am poor. I can’t afford to get my own website. I can’t afford an awesome camera to take pictures. I can’t afford to have photo shop on my computer to fix those pictures. So here I am, just typing. And hoping that someone out there is reading.
Something else that I have found is that you can tell who likes who. There is a big sense of the “cool” crowd and the “rebel” or as we called them in high school “the stoner” group. I liked all groups. I flitted around and didn’t really care. The stoners were okay with me, and the preppy kids liked me too I guess. Anyway point being I found one blog and I don’t know if I want to be specific or not but MAN! I could instantly tell what blogs “they” followed, without looking at “their” blog roll. I knew right away just from the pictures, because they looked oddly photoshoppy familiar. And I thought to myself…hmmmm…how do they do that with their pictures?? No I answered myself pretty quickly with the photoshop answer.
It makes me wonder, because I have been on both sides of the fence with these “groups” even though I’m what is known as a “lurker” and probaby a “stinkin new kid” but… There are some blogs that I like and some I don’t. There are blogs that I no longer follow because well one because the woman was always talking about how fat she was when in her pictures she looked a size two…dude. I don’t care about fat skinny whatever. Don’t tell me some kid asked you if you’re pregnant when you’re a size two. That didn’t happen. And if it did, if that kid ever saw me he’d think “man! are you two people?!” Another for a host of reasons none of which I will get into because I don’t want to appear to be a uhm well attention whore, because when you mention said blogger that’s what people accuse you of, that or “jealous.” Which I am…definitely jealous, because if I lived where she did I would be close to one of my very best friends/roommate. And if I were her I would have lots of money, which as I have and will mention A LOT I don’t have a lot of money.
moving on!
I like blogs that you can have conversations with people. I would like this to go that route eventually. I like topic starters and like to have lots of contributions from people. In essence I like banter. I don’t like when the person who wrote the blog writes then never says anything else till the next blog. I think you should occasionally comment back. I think in my last post that I had to, because once people started commenting I kept saying “OH I remember another name that I hate!” And wanted to add more to my post.
I don’t understand “give-away blogs” at all. I mean really? You give shit away? That’s never going to happen on this blog. I don’t have the money. (Another day another post)
People talk about going to conventions like blogging is the new Amway. I will probably never understand it. Will I get to see my favorite bloggers in person? Probably never. Although I have found a blogger with the same last name as mine. Which is amazing to me. What is sad is that I commented and pointed that out and I got nothing. Gave me a flash back to high school and pointing out to someone I was playing basketball against that she had the same shoes as me, and she didn’t respond so I knocked her to the ground as much as possible during the game…but I digress. Seriously if someone EVER comes to my blog saying “I have the same last name/first name/middle name whatever to me I will definitely respond. Most likely by saying STOP STEALING MY IDENTITY! Because it’s a crappy identity. And then I will kindly ask them to clean up my credit for me.
Okay so point of this post is that I like that there are millions of blogs out there because there are enough to love and not love. Follow and not follow. Make fun of and copy.
If you blog…do it for the reasons that you want. And if you read mine, please be gentile. I’ve already beat myself up enough. Oh and if you wanna be mean well it better be for good reasons. Like I made fun of your grandmother or something. Or I will start a page just for mean comments about me. And not make any money off of it. Because google kicked me off of ad sense.

 

The Energy Drink Made Me Do It!

I’m still kinda mad that I can’t find the stinking spell check button on here. WAITASECOND! There’s one on my google tool bar!! Sweet! Now I can type with ease knowing that if I  make a mistake you won’t see it!
Okay so I think I’m not so mad anymore. I hope to not have outbursts like that again. And I’m hoping you won’t hold it against me.
Mom was in town and when she’s in town that means a trip to CostCo on dad’s card…It doesn’t mean we get whatever we want. But my sister and I did pull the “If she gets it I get it too!!!!” Yes we are both over 30. So we passed by all the samples because we were hungry, and tell me you don’t eat the samples, and I’ll call you a liar. LIAR! Anyway, sorry, so we went by a sampling of an “all natural energy drink powder” and we tried it and the lady talked us/mom into getting some. It’s almost all vitamin B. And it took drinking two the day before yesterday, two yesterday, and one this morning to give me EXTRA energy. I think yesterday I was almost normal levels but I still wanted a nap. The thing about the energy drink is that it doesn’t give my body energy, it makes my brain go a mile a minute. And I think that’s why I snapped the other day. My brain was going and going and going, and with people being silly on the web made me a little crazy.
The good news is that today I feel up to actually doing homework. I just don’t know when I’ll be able to do it, because Jesse is actually working today. I did want to get up and exercise, but I didn’t. I watched a little bit of TV, cleaned the kitchen for the first time in 4 days. No it hasn’t been dirty for that long, I just left it to the two other adults in the family…I didn’t feel like doing it.

So is it my/our responsibility to take a pet that isn’t really “ours” to the pound when we and the pet owner can’t have it anymore? Can I be anymore vague? Okay here…take two…
When Jesse’s mom moved in she had a dog and a cat. We have a big back yard. This was okay. Even though on our lease it says no pets, we’ve broken our agreement on several levels. One by letting someone else live with us without putting them on the lease, and two by having pets. Whatever…like no one else has ever done this. So now that we’re moving to a much smaller house, with a backyard that doesn’t have a complete fence she has decided that we can’t keep the dog. (I’m jumping up and down on the inside.) So we put him up on Craigslist and haven’t had any takers. So now…we have to take him to the humane society… and we I mean, well not her. Because “I can’t handle it.” And I’m saying “it’s YOUR dog!” But Jesse has already said “yes.” So today she gets a hold of the H.S. and finds out when and how much and all and then says “Can you do this today?” I am not going to take MY CHILD and YOUR dog to the H.S. it’s not my problem. I will not break my son’s heart by dropping the dog that he has grown to love off. I do not think it’s my responsibility. I seriously don’t think it is. I can just see me trying to fill out paper work with the dog that does not do well on a leash that weighs at least 80lbs and a 3 year old terror crying because we have to leave his best friend at a pound. I don’t even know what to tell him when someone else does it. Let alone leave it up to ME! So I told her. “Well if Jesse gets home he can do it.” and she says “Well I think it should be done today.” If she wants it done today, maybe she should do it herself right? Am I a bitch? I’m already upset about this whole moving thing, that we’re doing mainly for HER to get HER closer to work, and lower the “rent” for HER. Oh and don’t get me started on keeping that damn ugly ass useless shed around at the new place. Ugh. I don’t like having to compete with another woman in my man’s life. But that is what it has come down to. I’m getting pushed aside by another woman. And little known fact about me. I only like competition when I’m playing basketball. I will step aside…I already feel like I’ve been replaced on many fronts…I’m feeling that rage again…
So really should it be up to US, Jesse and I to have to take her dog to the pound, because she “just can’t take it.”?