(Un)Righteous Indignation

If you hang around and read enough blogs you come to find out that more people are indignant then happy. Everyone has a cause that they are fighting for. They always have something to bitch about and it seems the more time on their hands the louder they are and the less they do about the problem. They sit on their blogs and write and pour their hearts out about their righteous indignation and how it’s not fair, or right or proper, no matter what the topic. As long as it offends their fragile sensibilities weather it be something that is a big matter or something just fleeting. The point being is no matter the size of the matter they will blow it to catastrophic proportions.

What do I do when I’m not writing my daily nonsense? I’m either working or watching tv. I lead a very full life. I also, in between feeding my child the wrong food and drink, read a lot of blogs. I have a good mix I feel but sometimes I look at my reader and say to myself “everyone is writing the SAME THINGS!” And they’re all indignant about the same things that to me don’t seem to matter all that much.

I read post on facebook and feel the same way. Everyone always does the same thing, says the same things, they all have to do the “meme” of the day. “Everyone post thankful things this month!” Yeah I get it it’s nice to see “positives” on facebook. But if you look? Everyone is trying to out positive everyone else. It’s tiring. I should spend less time on facebook and on blogs and on twitter. This would probably fix all these issues I’m having. But then what would I have to be indignant about?

Since most of you (family) don’t read a lot of blogs did you know that there are people out there who write stuff every day about their everyday nonsense and get paid for it? They post over developed over photo shopped pictures and talk about fancy things and they get paid for it. And did you know that EVERY OTHER blogger out there is trying to get paid to blog? Every blogger is a writer in training or something. Or they’re already a writing they’re just expanding. I like reading blogs that talk about wanting to start making money off of their blogs. And they’re crap…I mean crap. I read and I keep wondering why I have the blog in my reader. Because what I write? Is crap. It’s my crap, but at the end of the day I’m not looking to be published. I’m not looking to make money off of this…ever. I’m never going to write a book, memoir, or novel. It’s not in me to do. Firstly because my English writing skills are not up to par at all. I don’t want to delude myself into thinking that anyone besides my family who want to know what I’m up to and my inner thoughts would want to read what I have to write. And secondly because I don’t have the patience or attention span to actually sit down and write anything.

If I ever want to do anything else in my life beyond working at Wal-Mart I would want to go back to school and take writing classes, I’m not talking about just creative writing I want to take grammar classes. I want to be able to write a coherent sentence that makes sense to a reader, with out the help of a grammar check. I think that I write the way that my thoughts are, which are mostly scattered. I don’t really feel like I write the way I speak. You can correct me on this if you want. But I feel that most of the time this is directly out of my head and not out of my mouth.

I will never be a popular blogger. And I don’t have great dreams of becoming one. I honestly just write this for who ever wants to read it. It’s an extension and a censored journal. It’s a journal that I wouldn’t be afraid of my mom reading. Because she obviously does. I think at this point in my life I don’t have that much more to hide. I’ve never been one to hide much though. You know this. Obviously because I’m narcissistic enough to have a blog and believe that people want to read what I have to write.I’m obviously not writing this for my child to read later on. Because you know? That’s a reason why some people start their blogs. For their kids to read later on. REALLY? I don’t get that. Sure he might read it. But listen, I’m hoping that I will be able to instill a good sense of self worth and self assurance in my kid that he won’t care that I told embarrassing stories about him. Because my mom did…and you know what? She didn’t have a blog to write all those stories about me being Wonder Woman, but she had friends, and she had family to tell. And that is essentially what this is. The kid is going to be tortured enough being in this family…my little stories about how he came into my room with his shirt on his legs this morning isn’t going to affect him in the slightest.

I think I’m done apologizing for not writing every day or every week. Because that’s not me. I’m not a writer. I’m me. And I’ll do this blogging thing on my own time when I want to. And you can choose to read it, or not. But I know you will. Because you hang on every word that I write out. I know you do.

 

Respect and Love

Yesterday I wrote about what I love about myself and the fact that I empathize with other people and feel what they feel and so on.

I don’t remember my mom sitting me down and saying “You HAVE to love all people, no matter what.” I don’t remember her saying “He’s gay, but you still have to like him.”

I do remember when in high school a boy in my class was clearly gay. But of course couldn’t come out and say it for reasons of well…religion, small town politics, and other bully bullshit. But I remember one of the other boys in class saying “Yeah I think he’s gay, but it doesn’t make a difference, I still like him.” But then, once he did come out after graduating, I heard all sorts of nasty words from people, I didn’t understand. Coming out and being who he truly is didn’t CHANGE him. It didn’t make him a different person. It made him complete, in my mind. It didn’t change my view of him, I still thought he was a wonderful person. It gave us a chance to compare notes about boys in high school a little more open though.

My mom never said to us, “he’s gay and you have to like him.” I don’t remember what she told us, I guess by that time I had already made up my mind about him. I wasn’t there when he lived at our house to tell you what my brothers thought about it, but they too, I thought, accepted him for him. Because you don’t accept people based on outside appearances, or who they love. You accept people for who they are on the inside. Just like I can’t accept Glen Beck because on the inside, if you really listen to his words, is a hateful scared man, and in my opinion the epitome of a bully. I will never be able to accept people like that.

What it comes down to is what we show our children. If I tell Oscar “this man is gay and you have to like him.” It won’t do anything for him. But if I SHOW him that I don’t care whether that man is gay and his being gay has no bearing on whether I like him or not, I hope that he will be able to do the same. I hope that by me being accepting and showing love to everyone (except bigots and bullies) it teaches my son that he can do the same. My mom never sat me down and said “treat everyone how you want to be treated.” She lived it. She is wonderful to EVERYONE, and I lived with that, and I soaked it in, and I feel like my siblings do the same.

Sure I judge people, and harshly, and probably wrongly. But whether a crack head or a saint comes through my line at work, I say the same things to both of them. I say “How are you today?” and “Have a good day.” I don’t change my tone, I don’t change my words. Because if you treat one person decently who’s to say that they don’t turn around and treat someone else nice because of it.

I don’t read the bible. I don’t go to church anymore. But I do believe in the core beliefs of Jesus. I still remember the large plaque at the back of my church. I would read it over and over again while the priest was giving his sermon. It said “A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so must you love one another.” I don’t remember if these are the exact words. Every time I go home and go to church with mom I look to the back of the church, but the plaque is no longer there…and I wish it still were. More then ever now, people of church communities need to remember that.

He said “Love one another…” not just the straight people, not just people that believe the same thing as you. “LOVE ONE ANOTHER.”

This is what I want to live by, and what I want Oscar to live by.

To love and understand people.

To embrace the differences in life.

To love.

 

We all Have Struggles

(Written Monday, just to get you in the mind set.)

What I really want to do is sit here and type out all the ways I hate a certain Fox “News” person and how he’s a hateful mean spirited fear monger. But apparently only a couple people actually want to read and or comment on my political posts. Which is fine. I honestly don’t mind debate and when people don’t comment I just assume I have rendered all of you speechless. Or you all agree with all of my point and cannot simply add more to what I have already eloquently stated.

We ALL have problems with money.

The odd thing is the way that the money has been coming into the house lately, I shouldn’t have a problem. But because I don’t have a problem I tend to say “It’s okay to get this, because we have money.” And then we end up with a problem. But now I have a goal. I have to ask for the time off today at work. But I have a plan to go visit a friend who I have been missing for a while and I haven’t been able to see. And I rudely stood her up because of a new job way back in December. So I’m going to try and make it up to her and save money and go down to visit her and her family. I am beyond hopeful about this trip.

I’m actually thinking of postponing Oscar’s birthday to save the money. I wouldn’t do that! Yes I would. He won’t know anyway. He gets too many things as is. Yet if I don’t do his birthday I will feel like I’m not doing my job as a mom. Because every year my kid requires a cake and people around him singing him a song. But this year is different. I don’t have my sister here. I don’t have my wonderful neighbors. It’s just us. And that should be sufficient yet, most of the time I feel pretty lonely.

It always circles back to me doesn’t it?

Work has finally broken me down. It had stopped being fun, and apparently we’re not allowed to have fun anymore which is usually what happens at the jobs I’m at. We get out of control and have to be reeled back in. But whatever. The biggest thing for me is my feet. They hurt so bad from the concrete that I can’t be nice anymore. I feel like raging at people. I was going to get new shoes but we needed groceries instead. So I had to think: “food or shoes?” and food won. Of course. Stupid food. All it does is make me fat anyway.

I got sidetracked by a job opportunity. I just filled out the application now I have to do a new resume, again. Because since I had to reboot my computer I lost my last resume. No “good luck” necessary, I’m just filling out things and hoping for a chance. It’s a part time job at the City Council as an assistant. But it would pay me more than the 32 hours a week that I work at WM for just 28 hours a week. Make sense? And hopefully the opportunity to get benefits and to get my “foot in the door” as it were.

And I got side tracked some more by work. I’m home now. Work wasn’t terrible tonight, but I think that’s because for most of it I ignored my “real” work and just did what people told me to do. It was a little less crazy in the store tonight compared to the last couple of nights. I like Mondays for that reason. So now I’m sitting back and drinking a beer. Thinking about going to bed. Because tomorrow might be a long day. Work from 11am to 7:30. And then one more shift and I’m off for two days in a row. And I will tell you now that those two days will fly by, even if I do nothing at all. Because that’s what days off do.

 

Everything is Tomorrow

Last night before I went to bed I said to myself: “Self, you are now 31 years old. Tomorrow is a new day, the first full day of 31, tomorrow is the day of change.”

Today I got our bill for our water/sewer in the mail. It went from $109 last month to $171.
YAY FOR CHANGE!
Today I opened what I figured would be Jesse’s unemployment check for last week of not working. No, apparently their denying him because according to them he worked.
YAY FOR CHANGE!
Today I sit and wonder when the fuck are we going to catch up? When am I going to get a break? What more can I take?
I’m 31 and I’m crying like I’m 13. I’m crying like I can’t handle this. Like I’ve never had to handle money problems before. I’m crying because I got a nice birthday check from my mom today in the mail but it had to go towards rent instead of fun birthday things. I’m crying because I want this to end. I want this to change. But I don’t know how to change it.

I want to stop eating fast food.
I want Oscar to stop eating crap food.
I want to be able to pay my bills ON TIME.
I want to be able to buy shorts and t-shirts and not find out the next day that I shouldn’t have bought all those shorts for $1.50 a piece because we can’t even afford that.

So today was the last day Oscar gets McDonald’s. I told him this. He’s not happy about it.
Today was the last Frappuchino that I get. (It was also the first in about a month).
Today is the day that I sit and write out all these things for people to witness that I want to change.
I’m going to re-start making meals again.
I’m going to take time to figure out how to be a working mom.
I’m going to drink more water, and no more soda.
I’m going to change things.

I have to change.
I don’t want to set myself up to fail. Because that’s what I do.
I want to succeed.
I want to “make it”
I want to DO THIS. Whatever “this” is. I want it.

I can’t keep going the way I’m going. If I do I’m not going to make it.

So here’s the start of my list.
This week, I’m done drinking soda. No more soda.
I’m making a list of good things to eat for breakfast lunch and dinner.
We will not eat fast food this week.

There. So we’ll check back in later this week and see how I’m doing.

While I was complaining and crying on my blog I found out that a girl I knew lost her mom this past weekend. And it puts shit in perspective. My heart breaks for her, even though we weren’t close, we just knew each other. I knew her mom, she was a counselor at our school growing up. I always liked her, she was a wonderful sweet woman. And I would just like to send out my good thoughts and prayers to her and her family.

 

The Dangers of Writing

So when you write something super sarcastic and funny to a friend it’s okay…until you write a super heart-felt pms memory fueled post about an old friend. Then you get worried that you might have hurt a feeling or two.

But honestly. If I wrote a heartfelt post for my friend Leslie it would probably take up to 10 days to write it. And a lot of lying. hahah. KIDDING! I kid. So I was thinking about this and pondering if I should re-do her birthday post and after talking to her about it. I’m just leaving it. Mostly because I’m lazy and I don’t want to write all the memories I have with her. I’m still liking the idea of writing a post for birthdays tho, so don’t think I’m weaseling out of it. This is just how it happens with me. My first one is a trial run and they get better as I go. So my apologies to Leslie for being the first. Sometimes being the first isn’t always the best.

Twitter things: I have a hard time unfollowing real people. Even though they are REAL annoying most of the time. I have found several new blogs by joining “twitter parties” which are mostly fueled by alcohol and all the people involved are tons of fun.

Facebook things: I made a facebook profile for Jesse for the sole purpose of being able to put that I’m in “a relationship” with him. There was something missing and that was it. Now I’m making him friend all my family. I also have urges to write embarrassing things like “I heart spaghetti” and “I heart my girlfriend soo much” and “NARUTO RULES!” haha. But no one would laugh, except maybe me and Leslie.

Random thing that happened to me: I somehow got the song Physical by Olivia Newton-John in my head at work the other day. I was whistling it for over half my shift. Weird.

Blog things: check out these new blogs I’ve found:
No Points For Style
Pretty All True
Sky Waitress
Squashed Mom

 

Conflicted

I’m a little torn on why I do all this writing. Some days I wish that hundreds of people would find my blog and read it and soak in its glory and wonder. And then other days I’m just glad that my family and friends read it. But most days I’m happy that I have found a couple of other people outside my small circle that read and quite possibly enjoy what they read. I don’t know what my “style” of blog is beyond just random nonsense. But I would love to actually pin-point a style. And then stick with it. That’s the big thing. I guess I am sticking to the “randomness” of it all too. So that’s good right?
I wish that I had a better memory of conversations and write them out like some blogs I read. I wish that I had a better grasp of imagery to convey a better picture like other blogs that I read. And then I read some and say “Do I sound like that?” because I don’t like those blogs and I don’t want to sound anything like them. Like a person desperate to get in with the “cool” kids. So desperate that they have to sound like the people they idolize. I wish that I could write like the bloggers that I idolize. And that list keeps getting bigger by the way. I have found my way to some new ones that I love and makes me wish that I majored in English instead of Public Relations…I doubt I would have passed those classes though. Considering my D in English 101. Man that woman hated commas. And I figured that out WAY too late in the semester to get my grade back.

I read a blog out loud to Jesse at dinner. It was funny, it’s my new favorite blog. The author was interviewing her 8-year-old daughter. Jesse’s response is “hey do you want me to remember the conversations I have with the guys at the shop? You can write those down and blog it, they get pretty sick though” Yeah that’s what direction I want to take. Hey everyone! It’s a construction worker’s day!! Lots of talk about balls and big tittied women! I want to write the conversations that I have with Leslie because she’s hilarious. But apparently only to the two of us.

I want to write about a lot of things. The disdain I have inside boiling right under the surface. The “snark” just begging to come out. But about what? About co-workers? Meh. Most of the people I work with are alright, and the others aren’t worth it. The customers that I have to deal with? Again not really worth it. Other bloggers? My audience would have no idea what I was talking about. The twitter wars that I watch like a wallflower? Again, there would be no connection. So do I reach out to get a bigger audience to talk about these things? Or do I just keep the status quo?

At this point in time there’s really  nothing more that I can blog about. I don’t have a lot of drama going on. I can’t snark on people because I don’t like to hurt feelings. I can’t honestly blog about a big thing that is going on because of certain people and again I don’t want to hurt feelings…

But I do have something in the works. And I hope that it will come out like I want it to. And I do want an audience to read it. And if it’s just my small audience I will be okay with it. Because maybe those people who read it will pass it along to people who need to hear this story. I know I’m being totally vague at the moment but like I said it’s in the works. It might take a bit to get going too, so I don’t want to give too much away until I get it going.

 

Budgeting is a lot like Weightloss

Okay so I have a problem with my weight, we know this. I also have a problem with my bank account. Jesse and I combined really don’t make as much as other people. But we manage to pay our bills and we’re able to get things here and there for us that we need. Sometimes I forget that we don’t have an unlimited supply of money and I go and buy things that I “think” I need. Like shorts. I know! I don’t NEED shorts. I could just wear my jeans all summer, or my yoga pants or whatever. So that money goes away. Or I decide that it would be in our best interest to not let Jesse go by himself all the way to Astoria and I spend way too much money going to see my dad.

And then I wake up in the morning and my cell phone won’t work. YAY! I forgot to pay the bill when we had money! And oh yeah that awesome “personal trainer” yeah I’m still paying for him…$79 every other week! I have to figure out when that finally stops. I hope soon. Oh and I have to get Barb and I together to go in and cancel the whole thing because you have to sign a paper and I’m pretty sure that if I go in there by myself they’ll want to see Barb too. That means we have to take Oscar in there as well. Which is always fun.
Anyway. The point is. I can’t seem to control my spending as I can’t seem to control my weight. Well my weight is holding steady at a point where I don’t want it to be.

So now what I need to do is figure out how to stop spending money and budget. The only thing is Jesse’s income is STILL erratic and I never know what he will make. And mine won’t cover everything to be able to budget accordingly. My bank has this nifty thing on line but all it does is make me feel worse because every month it says we’re living outside our means. It says “You’ve spent ___ in the past 15 days, see where it went!” Oh I know where it went alright, I just don’t want you to rub it in.
Maybe what I will do is just take my paycheck and pay the bills with it. What bills I can, when I get paid and then with Jesse’s I will supplement that and also use it to you know…feed us. I have to stop taking time off and actually work so I can get better pay checks.

I took my second test for the Police Radio Dispatch and it went okay. Not as good as I hoped but I got confused on the whole “Is this house on the north side of the street or the south side, or on the west or east side of the street” I think I went dyslexic on it and well yeah, that was the only tough part. Usually I’m the first one done with those tests but man! There were like 4 people who got done before me! I was amazed!  I can only hope that they did worse than me. I am now on a list and I guess they’ll call me when my name gets to the top.
In the mean time I am going to work on getting better at not spending money. Which is hard, because I have money. I should be able to spend it but then I have to remind myself that I don’t actually have money.

*Photo at the top has nothing to do with the post except I kinda feel like that kid sometimes. (I got it from photobucket if you need to know)*

 

Read Blogs. They Make You Feel Normal.

And they make you feel like your fear of heights got nuthin’ on so and so’s fear of heights. You also find out that you’re in a group of people that feel the same way about “perfect moms” (wherever they are, I’ve never seen one). You find out that there are people out there WAY more neurotic than you. That they freak out about little things more often and kinda make you feel better about yourself that you didn’t rush your child to the hospital because he has a tiny rash. Because some women do that. Some women “think” that their son “maybe” swallowed something so they rush them to the ER to get X-rays. All I can say is they must have awesome insurance.
What you also find out is that they have these blogging conventions where all these neurotic, fear of flying, fear of crowds women get together and I think just end up hiding in the bathroom together. But somehow make it out to make awesome speeches that other women faun over and say to themselves “I could never do that.” But really? They could. Because why else do they go to these conventions? If not to meet new people, but then they say all they want to do is hide in the corner. It makes no sense to me. If you’re putting yourself out there, why the fuck not PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE?! And stop talking about all the Xanax that it’s going to take to get you through the flight and then how much alcohol it takes to get you through the convention. If you don’t like crowds why go? And if you’re just exaggerating then QUIT IT!

I know that I’m speaking to the wrong crowd because I blog to my family and friends and the majority of you don’t read blogs, that I know of. But honestly there’s a whole world and a whole network of people JUST LIKE YOU! And Twitter makes it all the more fun. I’ve found more blogs then ever, and I have found people more like me. It’s an amazing world out there and even though I probably will never meet these people in real life I like knowing that I’m not alone.

 

A Whole Lot of Nonsense

Life in a dumptruck

It’s what you’ve come to expect from me right? I know I haven’t been blogging as much as I should be. But my anxiety has peaked up a bit and I’ve worn all my ideas out on Twitter. Blame Twitter. Don’t join twitter though. Well wait do, but only if you’re sick of farms and cafes on Facebook. If your tired of ranting religious freaks and blah blah blah. Because on Twitter, they can follow you, but you don’t have to follow them in return. You don’t have to be friends on Twitter. Which is awesome.

Uhm okay so none of you that actually READ my blog read other blogs right? Except the few that do, and you know who you are, and you know why then I am going to scream for a moment. But my favorite blogger in the whole world is The Bloggess. She is wonderful. Go read her if you haven’t. If you have then you know what I am talking about. She honestly is what I wish I could be on my blog. Fearless and fearful all at the same time. Okay the point of this paragraph is: Jenny The Bloggess commented on my last post. I almost peed my pants. And then I was mad because I didn’t see it the day she posted it for some reason. (work) And then I was excited because she COMMENTED on my blog. It’s like I have arrived.
I read today on another blog at Mom-101 about blogging not being a contest. But if it were a contest I am now a participant because a blogger that other bloggers know and love commented on my blog. Not just emailed me like some have before when I email them, but COMMENTED. Because commenting is a big deal to bloggers. And since I blog, I want comments. This means YOU people. I know I don’t really open up in my posts to deserve comments but really. If you read, why not say “Jesus your a freak, Randa.” or something! Because in this contest of comments and awesomeness I am losing big time. And you know that in my competitive nature I also have this fatalist side that says “If I’m not winning then I shouldn’t be playing at all.” (OH MY GOD I HAVE DERAILED.)
Main point…I don’t know how many times I can say this but I felt really just “wow” and “holy fuck” about this one comment. And if I started getting more comments I think I would be like that all the time. (I’m kinda begging here now aren’t I?)

So I made new Twitter friends and a new Twitter Friend was bragging talking about all her ideas that she has for her blog and she has to write them all down. And I have those ideas but they never translate. I should just do a video blog. But then I think I’m more funny in a team than just by myself. So I don’t know how I would work so well just talking to a camera. One day I might just try it.

I applied for a job. I know I just got “promoted” but whatever. This job is better. It pays more then double what I make at WalMart. I have to take a typing test and a map test next Tuesday for it. I just tested myself on line and passed at 71 words a minute. Not too shabby. All they want is 40wpm. I think I can handle that. Oh and the map thing. I think I’ve been living in Spokane a total of 10 years or so, so I think I can figure out the streets. If not then how the hell have I been getting around all these years?! Still they suggested to study a map of Spokane. I don’t know what to study for, so I’ll just look at a map for a while and call it good. Oh the job is for Police Dispatch. There is only one position open so I think I have to score pretty damn good on the test to even be considered. Good thing I don’t get too nervous about these things.

Uhm what else is on my mind…I downloaded a whole bunch of new music. My iTunes are like a top 40 station now. Suck it. I like most of the top 40 aight? I am kinda glad Glee is over. I was getting to where I wasn’t liking it so much. And then ending was just a “meh” for me in general. I do love Idina Menzel (if you don’t watch look her up she plays in Wicked). Maybe I’ll do a whole post on it because you know that you have to hear my opinion about that show.

Oh, my brother is coming into town, I’m excited. I might actually get to see some basketball at Hoopfest this year. If they give me time off. Which they should because I’ll be working 6 days straight before the new schedule comes out and I will throw a fit if they make me work more then 6 days in a row. I will. I’m a Diva like that. Speaking of work. Man I really like not being on a register, or standing at the door. And I have been told by several co-workers that they are glad that I got the spot, and that I have the right personality for it. Which is always nice to hear. I also thought that I lost 10lbs in the first couple of days just because of all the running around crazy like and sweating like a pig, but no. No weight loss.

I am going to talk to my trainer, soon…about maybe switching up the training. Because I have to pay for the training sessions no matter if I quit the gym or not, which is BULLSHIT. But I think I’m going to talk to him about maybe meeting me at a bigger club and just playing basketball for an hour. Because I would much rather do that then lift weights while he stares at me. It creeps me out. I would also probably lose just the same amount of weight playing b-ball vs. lifting weights in front of a mirror at a place where everyone else is skinnier then me. I would pay someone to play basketball with me. This is what I have come to.

My new favorite song, that is playing right now is: Airplanes by B.o.B. featuring Haylie Williams of Paramore. (Who I LOVE!). I don’t know how to add music because I’m an idiot. But I think I can type out the chorus and first verse while listening, I am almost a trained transcriber you know…

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

I could use a dream or a genie or a wish to go back to a place much more simpler than this.
‘Cause after all the partying and smashing and crashing and all the glitz and the glam and the fashion and all the pandimonium and madness there comes a time when you fade to the blackness.
And when you stairin’ at the phone in your lap, you hopin’ but them people don’t call you back
But that’s just how the story unfolds.
You get another hand soon after you fold.
And when your plans unravel and they’re saying ‘what would you wish for’ if you had one chance.
So airplane, airplane sorry I’m late, I’m on my way so don’t close that gate, if I don’t make that then I’ll switch my flight and I’ll be right back at it by the end of the night.
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

I think I’m done. Maybe I’ll have more direction if I post more often then once every other week.

 

According to Astrazenica I am indeed Bipolar.

Okay maybe they need to have better then yes or no questions. But if I had a doctor I would definitely talk to him about being maybe just a little bipolar. And discuss why I have chest pains, that I consider to be indigestion. I’m sticking with that. But feel free to kick my ass if I die in the middle of the night. I also have wicked heart burn going on right now but that’s because I can’t stop eating enchiladas. Is anyone rolling their eyes at me right about now? Because I am.

I’ve decided why I’m writing this blog. And it might just become more personal. I’m writing to remember things. The weird thing is that I kept a journal all through high school and most of college and the things that I have in that journal are pointless things that I didn’t need to remember. But I remember important events that happened in my life.

Like the first boy to break my heart into thousands of pieces and made me realize that I didn’t need to throw myself into non committed relationships so easy. I remember that, I didn’t write it down anywhere. I remember hiding under my desk in my dorm room bawling about it. I didn’t write that in my journal. I did write how I cried. I don’t remember what he looked like though. I don’t remember what most of the boys I was with look like. Huh. Yeah out of all the boys that I was “with” I remember what maybe two of them looked like. Is that blockage? Or a bad memory? The guy that I lost my big V to? No idea what he looked like. I remember that he was a little shorter than me. But I can’t remember his face. Hell I didn’t even know his last name.

So if I start writing more about the weird things that Oscar says or does just skip over it. Because I kind of want to remember that last night I was on the phone with my brother Baba and I told him that Oscar is now saying “What-EVER” to me like a 13 year old girl. And right after that Oscar started saying “Blah blah blah” and flapping his hands in that weird hand talking motion. Apparently I really do have a 13 year old girl. Maybe what I’ll do is set up a page just with weird things that Oscar does. So that I don’t have to torture everyone.

Things I found out by reading other blogs:
Sunscreen is bad and doesn’t work at all. Your Mama
I will probably not watch Sex in the City 2 with out a lot of self loathing. BurkasNBirkins
Everyone has a reason to blog, except me. Wait I do now! Blogging for Blogging
You need to have your own Red Dress. I’m still looking for mine. The Traveling Red Dress

Things that are bugging me on Twitter:
When people talk shit about someone like they’re talking to them but they aren’t really because their tweeting about it.

Oh and a last thing. I think I will be blogging about my dad again soon. Mom says they’re getting ready to do his second T-Cell transplant next month some time. You know what a T-cell transplant entails? Well it’s when they take a huge dose of chemo and kill off your immune system and all the bad cancer cells then wait a bit then put your t-cells back into your system and cross their fingers. Basically. Dad told mom that she could stay at home since he’s been through it before. Guess what my mom said? Well now, after a couple of months of him being on steroids I wonder if she’s thinking about staying home. I would. hahaha! Sorry mom!