My Own Fortress of Solitude

Don’t get me wrong. I love the sound of my boy’s giggle, and squeal as much as the next mom. But sometimes? I just want to be alone.

I saw a quote that said something to the effect of “You can be with someone (or people) and still be alone.” But what happens when you’re with people…and you just want to be alone?

I’m with people all day. Angry people, happy people, broken people, crazy people, normal people. I get tired of it. I just want to be alone now. I just want to stay in my room and not have to listen or talk or feel for a day.

The only way I can try and just be with me and no one else is to put on head phones and ignore the shouts from Oscar and the wrestling that goes on with him and his dad. Most of the time this doesn’t work. But I can try my best to pretend.

My hormones are out of control all of a sudden. I’m blaming it on hearing about “someone” starting their period. Because my body instantly threw me into this haze of anger and emotion right after she mentioned it. It’s like my uterus heard that and said “OH! That’s what I forgot!” So I know why I’m doing all this, but I continue to do it. I continue to make side handed remarks and little jabs at Jesse out of sheer meanness and frustration. I sit here worried about every mistake I’ve made the past month with money and everything else.

If this was a scene in a movie it would have me just sitting here still with blurs of Jesse and Oscar running in and out behind me. They’re playing. And I’m ignoring. I can’t seem to join in with them, I’m an outsider looking and watching the joy and hearing the screams of laughter. While listening and hoping Pandora plays me something to feed my soul and fill the hole that sometimes only a song will fill.

And then it fills that gap…
“Can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars. I could really use a wish right now.”

And I think that maybe it’s an okay thing that I live right by an airport. There’s a lot of wishes up in my night sky.

 

I was Supposed to Check in or Something Right?

Ugh. I hate working.

I’m not in a good mood. Apparently I have seasonal depression but my season is summer time. Even though I love the summer time. I like being hot more than I like being cold. I hate frozen feet. Sweaty feet I can deal with. But yeah I’ve been in a mood. My last post was kind of a give away to that I hope.

Checking in:
No soda all week! And one maybe two, no wait, just one sweet tea. I love the sweet tea.
I don’t recall going to a fast food place but I could be wrong. My brain hasn’t been working properly lately.
I got a hysterical birthday card from my mom. The best was that my nephew signed the envelope. And my niece, signed it twice. It’s one that sings when you open it. Oscar LOVES it. He keeps asking if it’s his birthday…

I asked for Oscar’s birthday off, because, you know, it’s a kind of important day right? Well they or I should say my assistant manager in charge of scheduling denied me. Because his birthday is on Labor Day. So of course I have to work on LABOR day. fuckers. That’s right. I said it. So I have to work from 2pm to 11pm on his birthday. I’m all sorts of broken up about this because well I might not be a mushy mom and we might not have much planned as of yet for his birthday but I would like to spend the day with him. And maybe get him a cake. We’re not going to have cake at noon for him. That’s ridiculous. Don’t tell me it’s not.

It’s my oldest nephew’s birthday today. I don’t know if he’ll call me on it but I didn’t do a whole post about him. I know! But because I love him I will tell him HAPPY STINKING BIRTHDAY CHRISH! He’s so old! Which in turn makes the rest of us so old. I was certain he was only like 7 or something but no he’s 19 now. He’s almost 20…wow. Hey sister, how does that make you feel?! hahah!! Sorry.

So I’m not finding too many positives about life lately and I’ve tried to find them. They’re just not there. Or they are they’re just smaller than the huge ass negatives happening around me.

My only wish is that I could better handle these things. I also wish I had a quicker wit about me. Because I always come up with things to say to people way after they say mean things or yell at me at work.
There’s an old man at work that is a people greeter. He needs to either quit or die or something, I can’t really be sure. But I will tell you that I wish a painful death on him every time I have to work with him. He’s old and slow and he hates women. And he hates women in authority positions even more. So it’s just soo fun being his “boss.” I use the term “boss” very lightly. I don’t boss people around at work. I ask them to do things for me and they do. And I give advice and I help with problems. Anyway that’s besides the point. The point is this old man is a dickhead. And needs to retire. I love my old people. I love the old ladies that work at my store. I have decided that they are actually running the store and we just do their bidding unbeknownst to us. I think they’re like mob bosses or something. Anyway this old man going back to him decided to berate me in front of other associates and customers for not being “at the podium when I got here” so he took it upon himself to go to the door of his choosing which was not the door that I had him scheduled for. No big deal. I don’t mind, but when you yell at me about it, that pisses me off. Where was I going with this? Anyway I was told after he did that what I “should have said” and by then it was too late. He had already gotten his way like the big old man baby he is. And then I told an associate to go “give the grumpy old man a break” (yeah probably not the smartest thing but whatever I was still mad) and he said “do you want me to tell him you said that?” and I said, because I was still mad, “yes, please tell him I called him a grumpy old man” and when that old asshole came back from his break he says “I want to ASK you a question.” me: “what?” him: “Just what type of grumpy old man am I?” and I just rolled my eyes and said “A regular old grumpy old man.” And that was it. I would love to get called into the office for that. I would LOVE IT! Fucking old man needs to quit or die already.

Ugh. Sorry. You see this? This is what happens. This is what happens when my seasonal depression hits. I’m going to go crawl back into my hole now.

 

Everything is Tomorrow

Last night before I went to bed I said to myself: “Self, you are now 31 years old. Tomorrow is a new day, the first full day of 31, tomorrow is the day of change.”

Today I got our bill for our water/sewer in the mail. It went from $109 last month to $171.
YAY FOR CHANGE!
Today I opened what I figured would be Jesse’s unemployment check for last week of not working. No, apparently their denying him because according to them he worked.
YAY FOR CHANGE!
Today I sit and wonder when the fuck are we going to catch up? When am I going to get a break? What more can I take?
I’m 31 and I’m crying like I’m 13. I’m crying like I can’t handle this. Like I’ve never had to handle money problems before. I’m crying because I got a nice birthday check from my mom today in the mail but it had to go towards rent instead of fun birthday things. I’m crying because I want this to end. I want this to change. But I don’t know how to change it.

I want to stop eating fast food.
I want Oscar to stop eating crap food.
I want to be able to pay my bills ON TIME.
I want to be able to buy shorts and t-shirts and not find out the next day that I shouldn’t have bought all those shorts for $1.50 a piece because we can’t even afford that.

So today was the last day Oscar gets McDonald’s. I told him this. He’s not happy about it.
Today was the last Frappuchino that I get. (It was also the first in about a month).
Today is the day that I sit and write out all these things for people to witness that I want to change.
I’m going to re-start making meals again.
I’m going to take time to figure out how to be a working mom.
I’m going to drink more water, and no more soda.
I’m going to change things.

I have to change.
I don’t want to set myself up to fail. Because that’s what I do.
I want to succeed.
I want to “make it”
I want to DO THIS. Whatever “this” is. I want it.

I can’t keep going the way I’m going. If I do I’m not going to make it.

So here’s the start of my list.
This week, I’m done drinking soda. No more soda.
I’m making a list of good things to eat for breakfast lunch and dinner.
We will not eat fast food this week.

There. So we’ll check back in later this week and see how I’m doing.

While I was complaining and crying on my blog I found out that a girl I knew lost her mom this past weekend. And it puts shit in perspective. My heart breaks for her, even though we weren’t close, we just knew each other. I knew her mom, she was a counselor at our school growing up. I always liked her, she was a wonderful sweet woman. And I would just like to send out my good thoughts and prayers to her and her family.

 

I Keep Trying…

And trying to write something. But I keep failing. I have one in the works. Then I delete it because it’s no good. And now I honestly don’t have anything to write about. Because all I’ve done today is watch Gene Simmons Family Jewels on A&E. Which honestly I like for some reason. Probably because they’re uber rich but still funny and real at the same time somehow. But while watching they keep showing ads for a “new” show with Dee Snider of Twisted Sister. Called Twisted Family or something like that. It should just be called “Yet another trashy show about people in Jersey just to make Jersey look all the more appealing.” The one thing they keep showing is the wife in the car yelling “WHO FARTED?!” and then they cut and come back with her saying “IT’S MUTHERS DAY!” Like that really would stop an asshole from farting. Pun totally intended. So with all that said I will probably not be a fan of Dee Snider’s new show.

So I have two days off and I spent the first one doing as little as possible. We did happen to go to a park and do some playing. And then I did some laying on a blanket. And then the rain kind of started. So we went home. And I did some more laying around. All in all, a pretty successful day.

So the other day on twitter I said something about milestones and how I’m not really affected by them. I didn’t cry when Oscar “transitioned” from his crib to a bed. He didn’t either. I didn’t cry when he got his first tooth. I didn’t save his hair when we cut it for the first time. I won’t be over joyed to have to attend “kinder-grad” and first grade grad and second grade grad because apparently now you “graduate” from EVERY grade. Ugh. I’m just not that mom. I do take pictures of him all the time. If he ever, God forbid, goes missing, I have an array of pictures in different outfits and in different positions. Plus he has a couple very good identifying scars, thanks to that mirror falling on him. Anyway what I’m trying to say is that I’m not a milestone mom, and sometimes I feel bad and devoid of emotions because of it. I don’t look at him and say “where’d my baby go?!” and then drop to the floor and cry. Because he honestly will ALWAYS be my baby. And he already knows that…

In other news it sounds like Jesse will be going back to Astoria for a little longer next week. So that means good money. It also means I have to find someone to watch the boy just one day, because my schedule works out pretty well that Barb and I can handle it. Which leads me to say that yes some people have problems with their in-laws…but I do not. She is wonderful. You should see the garden!! I need to take pictures. The bugs are loving our veggies too. But we’re nice and sharing a little. At times I wonder how long it will last but I enjoy having her here.

I was going to add fancy pictures to this post but my computer is being a bitch. Now it’s off to find some sort of virus detection to clean the bastard up.

 

Budgeting is a lot like Weightloss

Okay so I have a problem with my weight, we know this. I also have a problem with my bank account. Jesse and I combined really don’t make as much as other people. But we manage to pay our bills and we’re able to get things here and there for us that we need. Sometimes I forget that we don’t have an unlimited supply of money and I go and buy things that I “think” I need. Like shorts. I know! I don’t NEED shorts. I could just wear my jeans all summer, or my yoga pants or whatever. So that money goes away. Or I decide that it would be in our best interest to not let Jesse go by himself all the way to Astoria and I spend way too much money going to see my dad.

And then I wake up in the morning and my cell phone won’t work. YAY! I forgot to pay the bill when we had money! And oh yeah that awesome “personal trainer” yeah I’m still paying for him…$79 every other week! I have to figure out when that finally stops. I hope soon. Oh and I have to get Barb and I together to go in and cancel the whole thing because you have to sign a paper and I’m pretty sure that if I go in there by myself they’ll want to see Barb too. That means we have to take Oscar in there as well. Which is always fun.
Anyway. The point is. I can’t seem to control my spending as I can’t seem to control my weight. Well my weight is holding steady at a point where I don’t want it to be.

So now what I need to do is figure out how to stop spending money and budget. The only thing is Jesse’s income is STILL erratic and I never know what he will make. And mine won’t cover everything to be able to budget accordingly. My bank has this nifty thing on line but all it does is make me feel worse because every month it says we’re living outside our means. It says “You’ve spent ___ in the past 15 days, see where it went!” Oh I know where it went alright, I just don’t want you to rub it in.
Maybe what I will do is just take my paycheck and pay the bills with it. What bills I can, when I get paid and then with Jesse’s I will supplement that and also use it to you know…feed us. I have to stop taking time off and actually work so I can get better pay checks.

I took my second test for the Police Radio Dispatch and it went okay. Not as good as I hoped but I got confused on the whole “Is this house on the north side of the street or the south side, or on the west or east side of the street” I think I went dyslexic on it and well yeah, that was the only tough part. Usually I’m the first one done with those tests but man! There were like 4 people who got done before me! I was amazed!  I can only hope that they did worse than me. I am now on a list and I guess they’ll call me when my name gets to the top.
In the mean time I am going to work on getting better at not spending money. Which is hard, because I have money. I should be able to spend it but then I have to remind myself that I don’t actually have money.

*Photo at the top has nothing to do with the post except I kinda feel like that kid sometimes. (I got it from photobucket if you need to know)*

 

Read Blogs. They Make You Feel Normal.

And they make you feel like your fear of heights got nuthin’ on so and so’s fear of heights. You also find out that you’re in a group of people that feel the same way about “perfect moms” (wherever they are, I’ve never seen one). You find out that there are people out there WAY more neurotic than you. That they freak out about little things more often and kinda make you feel better about yourself that you didn’t rush your child to the hospital because he has a tiny rash. Because some women do that. Some women “think” that their son “maybe” swallowed something so they rush them to the ER to get X-rays. All I can say is they must have awesome insurance.
What you also find out is that they have these blogging conventions where all these neurotic, fear of flying, fear of crowds women get together and I think just end up hiding in the bathroom together. But somehow make it out to make awesome speeches that other women faun over and say to themselves “I could never do that.” But really? They could. Because why else do they go to these conventions? If not to meet new people, but then they say all they want to do is hide in the corner. It makes no sense to me. If you’re putting yourself out there, why the fuck not PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE?! And stop talking about all the Xanax that it’s going to take to get you through the flight and then how much alcohol it takes to get you through the convention. If you don’t like crowds why go? And if you’re just exaggerating then QUIT IT!

I know that I’m speaking to the wrong crowd because I blog to my family and friends and the majority of you don’t read blogs, that I know of. But honestly there’s a whole world and a whole network of people JUST LIKE YOU! And Twitter makes it all the more fun. I’ve found more blogs then ever, and I have found people more like me. It’s an amazing world out there and even though I probably will never meet these people in real life I like knowing that I’m not alone.

 

The Sparrow, oh and some other Angry Shouty things…

All I have to say is read it. Go get it right now and read it. It was amazingly heartbreaking and wonderful. I sent a text to my brother that said “Holy crap that was a good book (I’m so eloquent!) I’m still a little upset about it.” and he said: “I know right! I’m reading the sequel now and it’s pretty amazing too. It’s called Children of God.”
Me: “There’s a sequel?? I’m getting on Amazon right now! (And I did, while in the bathroom, have I mentioned that I love internet on my phone)
Him: “Ya get the sequel, it’s awesome so far.”
So I did and it’s on it’s way. I’m starting “The Meaning of Darkness” and it is pretty damn good too.
The Sparrow is still haunting me. Oh and that day something else upset me. Apparently in Uganda they have decided that if you’re gay and you have sex you deserve to die. Or if you decide to get married or even tell anyone that you’re gay you get put in jail for at least 7 years. Now I understand about different cultures and if you’re rasied in a culture that believe certain things, it’s just how it is. BUT. THIS. IS. WRONG. (You know that I don’t write like this normally, this is how mad I am about this. Capitals paired with periods, I’m angry!)
http://abcnews.go.com/WN/anti-homosexuality-bill-uganda-global-uproar/story?id=10045436

And what gets me is that these men from AMERICA who hate gays went over there and basically pushed this over the edge and then said “Oh no! It wasn’t us!” It was also on Dateline, and it was basically just the article acted out, and it didn’t make me feel any better. It kinda made me worse. I’m still upset about it.

Okay! So and then! Today this go me…Some family in Tenn. lost their 3 year old today to a gun. Yeah the dumb ass step dad left a LOADED UNLOCKED GUN on the freaking coffee table and then to make it even better they blamed it on the Wii by saying “well it looks just like the Wii gun that we have. UHM NO if you leave anything new or different around, a three year old is going to pick it up. I don’t know how many times I’ve told Oscar not to touch my freaking phone and he still does. Because he’s 3! And he doesn’t know! What made it worse was that the mom was right there, on the computer, so of course they’re going to say it was her fault for not paying attention. But I want to put most if not all of the blame directly on the fucking stupid fucker that left the fucking gun out, loaded, with the safety off, ON THE FUCKING COFFEE TABLE!! Knowing full well that he had not one but two children in the house. Sorry for all the f words. I’m angry. It raises my hackles. big time, ugh. I honestly don’t think they can blame it on the Wii controller, which they are, wholeheartedly doing. http://www.newser.com/story/82873/toddler-kills-self-with-gun-she-mistook-for-wii-gadget.html

Anyway so that’s all I have for now. Except that we got our tax returns…so now I get to FINALLY GET CONTACTS AGAIN! YAY!

Man I was shouty in this post. I’ll be back to normal later…

 

NEW Books! and Oh Someone’s Standing on a Soapbox…

Well I got two out of three books today. EXCITING! I’m excited. Today the mail carrier dropped off The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell and The Meaning of Night by Michael Cox. My brother recommended the Sparrow and my friend Leslie recommended The Meaning of Night. I’m going to start them today. Both simultaneously because I’m awesome like that, and I can read two books at the same time. Just another reason why I’m better than you! What is my problem??? Why am I so snarky lately? Okay I’ll quit now.
Man I hate local news.
Okay now I’ll quit. I am really excited too, about seeing so many comments. I enjoy it immensely. And I had a good day at work yesterday, which was preceded by a sucky day so yesterday was a good day. I’ll say it again, I know I said it on FB and Twitter. I got complimented on my amazing cashiering skills by a couple customers and that made the day before practically disappear.
Turning to my work. I would like to say that when people bitch about WM I just want to tell them that honestly to me, it’s more the customers attitudes that make WM suck, it’s honestly most of the time, not the workers’ faults. Yes I said it. And listen I know that there are shitty cashiers and crabby managers. But there are FAR more bitchy customers. And just think while you’re standing in that line waiting and wondering why there are only two registers open that maybe someone’s husband died, or maybe someones very favorite best good co-worker had to take an unexpected leave of absence, so they’re a little short handed at the moment. Give a cashier a smile. Give them a break. Oh and think for a moment that it might not be the cashier’s fault the line is moving so slowly. They are moving only as fast as they can. They’re not purposefully going slow just to piss you off and make your day crappy.

I go to work with a smile on my face, every day. Because no matter what happens before work, or after work or whenever, it’s not my customer’s fault. So that gives me no reason not to smile and greet people warmly. I get yelled at by a supervisor and yes I get mad, but I do not take it out on the next customer in line. I put my smile right back on and make sure that they leave the store thinking: “Man that woman was really nice to me.” Or something to that effect.

Before I hop off my soapbox this doesn’t just go for WM, this goes for anywhere you shop. Any fast food place you go to. Remember that everyone has a story.

Have a wonderful day enjoy the sunshine if you’ve got it. It’s going to be a good day.

 

Date Nights are for Losers.

That’s right I said it. Oh and you know what else I don’t like to hear? People talking about trying to get pregnant by ONLY HAVING SEX WHEN SHE’S OVULATING!! Hey did you know that the more you have sex the better chance you have at getting pregnant?? And do you know how much fun sex can be?? Oh and you wonder why high schoolers get pregnant? It’s not just because their idiots and they forget to use condoms it’s because they’re having sex 100% of the time and condoms are only 99.9% effective. What? Yes I said that to. THAT JUST HAPPENED.
I was really hungry for wings last night. So I made my sister watch Oscar for me, and I made Jesse go to Outback with me. I’m very demanding. I should have just got three plates of wings and had a wing eating contest but I decided that I wanted the steak as well. So I had wings, and a steak. Oh and a healthy salad on the side. Ask me how much weight I’ve lost? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAA. (sorry)
Okay so I’m really content in my relationship. I really like where we’re at, we’re comfy and blah blah blah. The thing that I really don’t like, is having to hear about other couples and their “date nights” I honestly think it’s worse then nails on a chalk board. Or the new bags that Sun Chips are in (SHUDDER). Seriously I get it. I get that you are hopelessly in love and your love is so much stronger and more wonderful then everyone else’s. I on the other hand just really don’t like to do that to other people.

So last night wasn’t a romantic date night that we spend gazing into each other’s eyes and remembering out time together before the baby came along and how much he ruined everything. It was a good dinner, and yeah we talked. But we talk with Oscar around too. We didn’t hold hands because we don’t do that. We didn’t make out in front of everyone in the restaurant because we don’t do that either. We talked about dry wall, and the funny things Oscar did that day. And you know what? It was good. And it was nice to go home and watch a movie together. Because oh wait…we do that already too on a regular basis.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is the whole date night thing might work for other couples but it really doesn’t change anything in our relationship. I don’t feel closer to Jesse because we went out to dinner last night without Oscar. I don’t feel more in love with him, or anything like that. Nothing changed because we went out by ourselves. All it really did was cost us a crap load of money and made me have to pee really bad…(2 22oz beers will do that!)

So please don’t be offended if you feel the need to have to HAVE date nights. I get it. YOU need them. I guess it’s just that we don’t. And that means that you are a loser and I’m better then you. **dripping with sarcasm**

 

Man I Hate Robert Pattinson.

I’m “boverd” by Robert Pattenson.

I love the skits that Jimmy Fallon does, because I love Jimmy Fallon, and they’re hilarious.

I don’t see the appeal. Sorry, I know some of you that read this love him. And I get that tastes differ. So here’s my taste. He leaves me with a taste of poo in my mouth. He’s got a weird face, and I hate that he’s always grabbing at his hair.
But now “R.Patts” as he’s lovingly referred to is in a new movie were it looks as though it’s Twilight without the fangs. Awesome. Something else I’m not going to watch. Oh and I didn’t like him BEFORE Twilight, BTW. Because he was in Harry Potter. Remember that? Yeah and he was ugly in that, and I mentioned it, every time I watched the damn HP movie. He wasn’t good as that character in HP and I don’t think he fits as the character for Twilight either. Yes I’ve read the books. I see characters as I read, and none of the actors are right. I’m sorry. This is my opinion. MY BLOG! HA! Okay wait I’ll back up, the actor that plays Jacob is the closest for me to the book. And I’ve actually heard some “Twihards” say that they think otherwise. So it’s safe to say that I will probably never see eye to eye with “Twihards” and honestly, that is okay with me.